How does unrequited love differ from love addiction? Love or addiction? You understand that your partner is imperfect and not suitable for you, but you cannot refuse him

Love is the highest happiness a person can experience. But why sometimes, thinking that that same love has been found, do some people experience not at all joyful feelings, or are even depressed? Most likely, we are talking about addiction here. To protect yourself from conditions that destroy the psyche, and therefore life, you need to understand the difference between love and addiction, and learn to avoid mistakes that lead to the collapse of relationships.

Definition

It is impossible to cover all the diversity of love in one definition. But in general, this is a powerful feeling associated with a deep spiritual attachment to a certain person, which entails a feeling of fullness of life and has a creative character.

Addiction (love)- a state in which a person experiences strong passion and obsessive emotional fixation on the object of his “love.”

Comparison

There are some signs you should pay attention to.

What does a person experience?

Love- it's always light. If you feel warmth, peace, and calm in your soul, it means the person loves. This state inspires, makes you want to show your best side, encourages you to do good, meaningful deeds. Loving people enjoy each other's company and appreciate these moments.

Dependence is accompanied by a depressing longing for another person, a strong fear of losing him, and a feeling of the meaninglessness of life in his absence. And even if the beloved is nearby, his (her) attention is always lacking. Thus, the main feeling that characterizes addiction is suffering. There can be no talk of any harmony in the soul here.

Behavior towards your partner

The difference between love and addiction is that love is not characterized by the idealization of a partner, he is seen and accepted with all his soul as he is. Consequently, there are no quibbles, reproaches, or the desire to change and re-educate the chosen one. A loving person understands that the other half has a certain personal space that should not be violated - this is communication with other people (which in turn does not harm the relationship), hobbies, work.

The addicted person often perceives the partner in a somewhat illusory way, that is, he paints a certain image. What is required from the “beloved” is something that he is unable to give, since he does not possess the qualities with which he is endowed. A dependent person is selfish. It depends primarily on your own desires and attitudes. In this apparent love, in fact, there is no admiration for someone else’s inner world, but there is incessant control, constant suspicions, destructive jealousy and the desire to “blind” a real person into something that corresponds to one’s own ideal.

Interchange

People in healthy loving relationships try to give as much as possible to each other and, accordingly, each of them receives a lot in return.

In case of dependence, the balance of mutual exchange is significantly disturbed. The loving party, as a rule, is obsessed with the desire to give everything to the chosen one. At best, he only accepts, at worst, he refuses this, and sometimes even tries to avoid any contact with his passionate admirer. It is in such a situation that they say that one person “strangled” another with his love.

Attitude to your own life

Love not only does not hinder a person’s development, but, on the contrary, helps him to open up and demonstrate his abilities. Anyone who carries love in his heart is endowed with the gift of seeing how multifaceted life is. He is well aware of his surroundings and strives to take advantage of available opportunities. He has great motivation for new achievements.

The world seems closed to someone suffering from love addiction. The entire Universe is contained for him in one person - the object of passion. Life becomes monotonous. A person withdraws, which makes his normal development impossible. That is why it is important to understand the difference between love and addiction, and to stop any negative states in yourself. Only a free and self-sufficient person is able to find true love and enjoy it.

The holidays and summing up the past year are behind us. With inner satisfaction, we comprehend our achievements, including in our personal lives: harmonious relationships, marriage, a long-awaited baby... Someone, on the contrary, patches up heart wounds acquired in the next search for love. Love, which is the need and desire of everyone (and do not believe those who say otherwise - these are people traumatized by loved ones who have put armor on their souls). Why does every person strive for this state? Because this is the ideal state of a person, a state in which he is born, but often subsequently loses it. But in memory of this feeling, he strives to find the lost paradise again and again.

Can every feeling that arises between a man and a woman be called love? Why in relationships, instead of joy and flight, do we sometimes experience grief, suffering and pain?

Today I propose to talk about love addiction as a surrogate for a healthy feeling of love. How to distinguish one from the other?

Love does not worsen the quality of life, it is joy. This is the main symptom. You feel good both with your loved one and without him - he exists in the world, and that’s already great. Love does not prevent a person from developing in other areas of life; I would even say - on the contrary, it inspires new achievements. When a person loves, he becomes prettier, younger, goes uphill, some of his illnesses even disappear, his hair curls, his eyes sparkle. Love can bring suffering only in one case - illness or death of a loved one. Otherwise, love is a source of happiness, vital energy, freedom, healing power for the soul and body of a person.

Dependence (dependence on another person - CO-dependence) in any manifestation is a state opposite to the state of freedom. This is a strong and increasing over time painful concentration on another person and his life.

In its first stages, a person experiences a strong feeling of joy in the presence of the object of his love. This joy is not diminished by the fact that the loved one behaves coldly or evasively, and is similar to the feeling of pleasant intoxication. The partner’s behavior is easily justified, hope feeds on itself...

Then the need for the presence of a loved one, for signs of his attention, becomes more and more urgent. The other person becomes a drug. And, as in any other addiction, the dose must constantly increase... Inner life is polarized, divided into “black” and “white” stripes. In the presence of the object of love, a person experiences happiness, in his absence - sadness, boredom, anxiety; he is tormented by various suspicions, often transforming into jealousy. Such polarization is akin to the formation of withdrawal (hangover) syndrome in alcoholism. There is a completely different scheme here than in love: it’s good with your loved one, bad without him.

An addicted person begins to try to control the life of his partner, often behaving obsessively, pickily or even cruelly. We can say that a person dependent on a partner transfers control of his life to someone else. In this case, different options for the development of relationships may arise: such a person can be used, humiliated, his desires ignored, or deceived. As a result, this leads to vain sacrifice and lack of will.

Symptoms

A dependent person can be easily identified by marker phrases:

• "I need you like air"
• “I can’t imagine life without him/her”
• “I don’t want you to sing/dance/play sports, etc.”
• “I want you to sing/dance/play sports, etc.”
• "In order for us to be together, you must change"
• “If you really loved me, you would do this for me”;
• “It hurts me when you mind your own business and don’t pay attention to me.”
• “I know better what is important/necessary/useful for you, etc.”
• "If you leave me, you will regret it"

At this stage, the object of love (usually emotionally unavailable for intimacy and relationships), tired of such close attention to his person, often acts proposal to separate. But for those suffering from addiction, these words lead to despair. To maintain the relationship, he tries even more to care and control, becomes even more intrusive and picky - and is rejected even more decisively. The circle is closed.

Over time, an addicted person, in the absence of the object of his passion, begins to experience the most natural withdrawal And his actions are appropriate: he calls 20 times a day, writes letters, imposes himself, humiliates himself, begs for a meeting. This is a physical attraction to the object of passion, a desire to literally cling to it and not let it go anywhere and never. The further you go, the greater the tension, it becomes unbearable, and the next circle of hell begins: with your loved one it’s bad (fear of abandonment, accumulated resentment, emotional distance), and without it it’s bad.

Both partners begin to hate each other for this lack of freedom and the suffering caused. Gradually everything falls into decay: work, hobbies, money, friends. One call is enough, and all plans are shelved. In fact, it is difficult to say that in such a situation two people build a relationship. After all, one of the partners simply does not exist, he is a shadow of the one he “loves”. A strange love in which one constantly gives and does not have the right to receive something in return, and the other, willingly or unwillingly, uses it. Strange, because one who does not love himself cannot love another. He can only become involved in a destructive relationship or game in which he will be a loser. The addict repeats the same behavior, expecting that the result will finally be different. It was as if, instead of changing a light bulb, checking the wiring, or, for example, moving to another, lit room, he endlessly flicked the switch in the hope that each new click would allow electricity to flow. At the same time, he desperately thinks: “I spent so much effort and time, including turning on the light. This cannot be in vain!..”

A person in love addiction tries with the last of his strength and resources, which after months or even years are already running out: " I probably need to push myself a little more, and then he will behave the way I want. y", “I probably need to be softer, tougher, straighter, more modest, etc., and then he will love me the way I want.” A person obsessed with dependent love does not want to see reality and the fact that the other one does not want, is not ready or cannot be in a relationship as required of him.

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Causes

What causes a person to get involved in such destructive relationships? At the heart of love addiction is a deficit of unconditional love and acceptance that arises in childhood. A person who did not receive the true love of his parents as a child is forever stuck at the infantile (childhood) stage of development, striving again and again to act out the familiar childhood trauma in his relationship with his partner. He does not become a truly adult - that is, a mature personality; only his biological age changes. To make up for this love deficit, such a person begins to “cling” to another - in this case, a relationship partner, trying to make up for this love deficiency.

Moreover, partners are attracted to each other with amazing precision, fit each other like a key to a lock, and fit together like a puzzle that makes up a picture of a painful relationship in childhood. Naturally, the chosen partner is also traumatized and acts out his own scenario of childhood trauma - a mirror one. By subconsciously choosing partners with whom we will reproduce the situation from childhood, who will treat us the same way as our parents, we entertain the illusion that “now I can definitely fix something!” Such a relationship is an attempt to drink from a well that will never actually have water. Because the need for parental love and acceptance can never be satisfied by our partners. And they have no such interest - to satisfy this need. At the same time, the idea of ​​a breakup causes intense fear, similar to a child’s fear of being left without a parent.

From the above, the conclusion follows with inexorable clarity: changing a partner without personal therapy is simply useless - he will be replaced by exactly the same one (or with slight variations).

Paths of liberation

What are the paths to liberation? In the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program, the first step to overcoming addiction is to admit that you are an addict. It is very important. Because by recognizing - realizing the presence of addiction, you can already do something about it.

1. Diagnose the situation. If the relationship does not suit you, you suffer from it, you get sick, your emotional and physical condition worsens, if you understand that you have tried all the options, but the situation is not moving. If you see that a person does not make contact with you, openly declares that he is not particularly interested in you and he does not see a future with you, that he needs to understand himself and his feelings, that he has not yet worked up or cannot make up his mind, with whom to be, it means, most likely, he is burned out and is trying to leave with minimal losses or does not want to change anything, he is satisfied with just this mode of communication.

2. Paint a picture of the relationship you want. If this relationship does not correspond to your idea of ​​harmony, if the person does not give you what you want, and you give yourself completely to the person, then it’s time to stop and understand yourself.

3. Your partner is the companion of your life, but not its meaning. The meaning of your life is in your own development, which leads to creating a family, building a career, etc. In addition to personal relationships, you should have areas of life that also bring you joy.

4. You are the most precious thing you have. If you want to change your life, change yourself. Stop being a victim, spread your wings, start appreciating yourself more. May your life be filled with meaning both with and without your partner. Enjoy life even in his absence, love it and strive for success.

5. Look for strength and support in yourself, not in others, develop your personality, read psychological literature. You can be a loving, understanding, caring person, but at the same time you can be a person with self-esteem, self-confidence and self-sufficient.

6. Freedom is the basis of harmonious relationships. No demands, conditions, or reproaches can maintain harmony between two people. Only freedom and acceptance of a person as he is can maintain balance in relationships. If you are not ready to put up with a person’s personality, if you understand that your partner cannot give you what you expect from him, then it’s time to take advantage of the freedom that is given to both of you from birth.

Start with small steps:

Shifting attention to other areas of life

Learn to express anger, “show your teeth”

Learn the ability to listen to yourself and understand your desires

Plan your day, develop self-discipline

Take responsibility for your life

Find like-minded people who are trying to cope with the same problem

And remember, you have the power to change your life (because no one will change it for you), to feel the taste of inner freedom and self-control.

Happiness and reciprocity to you in love!

Oksana Tkachuk- psychologist, system arranger, coach. Published and conducts consultations on professional resources, including personal ones: prof-psycholog.by. Head of the Advance children's center. Believes that psychotherapy is a tool that improves the quality of life.

We all want to be loved, and there was a loved one next to us. There is a lot of joy in such a union and you feel like a happy person. But, unfortunately, very often we confuse love with addiction. In such relationships there is no internal satisfaction; there is always resentment, claims, irritability and the desire to change the partner who does everything wrong. And it turns out that there seems to be a partner, but this does not bring happiness. Let's figure out what is the difference between love and addiction?

It is a mistake to think that Love- this is when you can’t live without someone and you want to always be with him. In fact, what is sung in the song: “You are me, I am you, and we don’t need anyone” is just intimacy. When partners are so closely intertwined, they do not see each other as a real person, and take wishful thinking for reality. The phrases “I can’t live without you” and “I’ll be lost without you” promise nothing but misfortune in the future. This is not a sign of true love, but a symptom of addiction - a pathological attraction that ranks with alcoholism, gambling and drug addiction.

Real love- this is when you don’t need to adapt to anyone and remain yourself, enjoy each other’s presence. It's interesting, everyone wants love, but no one can accurately describe what it is. The explanatory dictionary says: love is a feeling of deep sympathy and affection for another person. In this formulation, the phrase “deep affection” is immediately confusing, or rather, what does love evoke? Can such dependence be called love? No. It turns out that the description of love is blurred and at school no one teaches us a clear understanding of what love should be.

Let's try to give ours description of love. In our opinion, this is respect, trust and attraction. This is the feeling that guarantees a happy and long-lasting relationship. Anything that causes pain and suffering cannot be love. Including addiction and manipulation. If a woman needs a man only to protect, comfort and fulfill all her desires, then she does not know what love is and is looking for a symbolic parent for herself. In such a union, everyone feels like they are in captivity, but there is no joy and happiness in it.

Imagine when man says: “You made me happy!” or “Don’t leave me, I can’t live without you!” Which phrase stresses you out and which one fills your heart with joy? In the first there is freedom and gratitude, and in the second there is dependence and fear. Therefore, the second is a sign of an unhappy relationship where there is dependence. Love is when one partner does not need the other, like a lame man on crutches, but can easily do without him. At the same time, his loved one is important to him, since they are connected by mutual interest.

Marriages where one spouse dependent on others, very strong. The very thought of divorce is scary for a codependent. He is ready to endure humiliation, insults and even assault, but he will never decide to divorce. By destroying his health, the dependent spouse “saves the marriage.” To the question: “Why?” he is genuinely surprised. After all, it seems natural to him to remain faithful to the oath that he made at the altar: “to be together in sorrow and joy until the end of his days,” rather than to be happy.

Addiction to love and differs in that an addicted person comes home, looks at his partner and understands that he no longer wants and cannot be near him, but he must. Feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety, turning into fatigue and emptiness, take all his energy. But the addict cannot betray his partner, so he continues to live with him, pushing his feelings and desires away.

Addiction- this is not love, but the fear of losing a person and being lonely. Codependent relationships are built on an unspoken agreement that one partner must understand what the other wants. In these relationships, the codependent always lives with a sense of guilt, and the other is constantly offended. He constantly waits for the dependent “wizard” to satisfy all his needs.

There are many signs, indicating that what you feel for your partner is dependence, not love. Here are some of them:
- you constantly help your partner and worry about him, although this is unpleasant for you;
- it gives you pleasure to feel that your partner needs your help;
- you hate your partner’s shortcomings and bad habits, but you always indulge and give in to him;
- you remember your needs last;
- your motto: “There are no ideal families. We must endure.”

Anyone can learn to love. The main thing is to understand that where there is love, there is no manipulation. Love is a union of two self-sufficient individuals who can exist without each other, but prefer to be together. Loving couples openly express their desires to each other and are always ready to face refusal. In such relationships, everyone feels comfortable, safe and free. And this is only possible when both partners voluntarily develop and invest equally in the relationship.

Developing emotional addiction is like falling into a black hole: you think everything is fine, but you don’t notice the moment when everything changes. Your life is filled with anxiety, irritation, and painful fantasies. The world is distorted, and the interests of the beloved are at its center. If a partner is prone to manipulation and psychological vampirism, such a relationship can turn into a disaster.

You feel that you cannot live without him (her)

Dependency is the need for someone who we feel can fill a vacuum in our lives. When you feel like you're alone and can only rely on yourself, someone will come along and provide a lifeline - someone who can listen, who can help, who you can trust completely. But love is not a need.

A healthy mutual feeling is possible only between self-sufficient people. A person prone to addiction does not have a clear identification and personal boundaries: “I am me.” Instead he thinks, “I don’t know who I am.” His personality becomes confused with the personalities of those with whom he interacts.

In any healthy relationship there is always a period of idealization. But when it passes, love remains

As a result, such a person becomes obsessed with the object of his immense love. This behavior is fueled by the illusion: “The closer I am to you, the clearer my identity.” Having firmly tied his “I” to the personality of another, a dependent person loses free will and the ability to exist separately.

You want everything from him (her) at once

It seems to us that the object of our interest should embody everything we expect from it. We put on him the whole burden of our ideas about the ideal. These may be mutually exclusive requirements: say, it is important for us that the other understands perfectly and respects our wishes, but at the same time can make all important decisions for us. Sooner or later, such an attitude will lead to disappointment and the desire to “correct” reality.

In any healthy relationship there is always a period of idealization. But when it passes, love remains (if that is what it is). As the relationship develops, trust between partners grows and they become closer. Instead of trying to change a partner if he does not satisfy our ideas about him in some way, we accept him.

Healthy and dependent relationships develop in different directions. In dependent relationships, we believe that “magic”, “chemistry” will do the main work. In healthy people, we constantly work, study and get to know our partner. And our love grows, overcoming trials.

You want a partner that belongs only to you

Dependent relationships are often imbued with jealousy. It arises from uncertainty and sometimes reaches the proportions of clinical paranoia. An addicted person thoroughly studies his lover’s pages on social networks, analyzes his every word and glance, and may even spy on him. And this despite the fact that he may not even suspect it and may not consider the relationship serious.

True intimacy involves quiet trust. Of course, even good relationships are not free from doubts. But a trusting person first believes and only then suspects. He calmly accepts the fact that his partner comes into contact with many different people, among whom there are some very attractive personalities. If you need undivided control over your lover, this is a sign that you are addicted and are afraid to break it.

It seems to you that there is a mysterious connection between you

People around you may think that you have nothing in common, that your relationship is full of quarrels and resentments. But you refuse to believe: it seems to you that it is he who understands you like no one else. This is the work of the unconscious. It pushes us towards those in whom we see a reflection of our unconscious ideas about ourselves.

If you are stressed and vulnerable, if you subconsciously feel that you need help, you will attract people who feel the same way. You will not be aware of the dangers because the situation itself will seem familiar. But this feeling is deceptive: such relationships will only feed your vulnerabilities and strengthen your neurotic traits.