How to get rid of the victim complex: prevention of victimization. Woman – victim: Difficult situation or advantageous position? Why am I a victim in a relationship?

How often can you hear or read in comments about unhappy women suffering from bad men or parents. But to any proposal to end such relationships by putting the offenders in their place, the response is that this is beyond their strength, and in fact, they themselves, apparently, are to blame for doing this to them. And no arguments will force them to change the situation, since there is a syndrome of a victim who is used to justifying her tormentors, considering herself a bad person. Therefore, it is important to know when people turn into victims in order to stop this process if they do not want to vegetate and suffer all their lives.

Signs of a female victim

You can understand that this is a victim in front of you, or that you are behaving like one, if you look closely at the behavior and listen to the words. There are a lot of signs that with 100% probability relate to those people who have become victims without even noticing it.

The victim does everything to be pitied and sympathized with, although in most situations she herself is to blame for what happens to her. Because she never grew up and didn’t take responsibility for her life. She allows others to offend her and ignore her interests, as she does the same to herself. She doesn’t understand what she wants, what she likes, what makes her happy and how to make her life turn into what she wants, and not into an eternal melodrama with suffering and misery.

Such people constantly talk about how unfair everyone is to them, no matter who they meet along the way. The whole world, parents, loved ones, children, friends, colleagues, neighbors and society become a source of trouble for them, even if they wish them well and have never allowed themselves to do or say anything bad.

Those accustomed to the role of the victim see and notice only the bad, that which causes them pain or an unpleasant feeling, and it does not matter at all whether this is actually so. For them, other people's achievements, goals, dreams and desires are a silent reproach for their failure, proof that they themselves are unable to achieve anything. Those who they believe are obligated to help them always ignore their interests.

Instead of asking for help, they prefer to remain silent, accumulating resentment towards someone who dared not read their thoughts and did not do everything to make them feel good. They are deeply convinced that the world revolves around them and everyone is simply obliged to improve their lives, but instead, those around them do everything to hurt them. It’s as if they don’t want to understand that it is their fault that they are not capable of anything and need a rescuer who will come and pull them out of the hole in which they find themselves. And they, with energy worthy of better use, continue to complain about the illnesses that almost broke them, about ungrateful relatives and an unfair society in which their place in the sun was stolen.

By constantly complaining, they want to attract attention, get sympathy, hear how good they are, and that all their problems are the work of someone else, not them. They want others to do everything so that they do not feel miserable and bad, dependent, lazy and cowardly.

But no matter how much attention and support they receive from other people, it is never enough for them. Even the one who tries to console and support, giving reasonable advice, very soon also turns into an enemy, an insensitive blockhead who never understood their sensitive soul.

The flow of self-pity on their part is endless, and it is always accompanied by demands and claims. They want compensation for their suffering, but none of them thinks that there is nothing that will satisfy them and calm them down until they stop behaving like a victim. Because of their neurotic behavior, they do everything to constantly suffer. Otherwise, they will not receive negative emotions and will not feel that they deserve care, attention and love.

After all, the position of the victim does not arise just like that, it is formed in childhood, when parents bring down reproaches, criticism, doubts about his abilities on the child’s head, constantly scolding him and making demands, without thinking about whether they are logical. And since the child cannot fight back against an adult, his usual state becomes that of a victim, whom everyone is trying to hurt and offend in order to subjugate him.

Growing up, not everyone realizes this and carries this ingrained habit into adulthood, continuing to behave like a victim, because they simply don’t know how to do it any other way. It seems to them that this is the only way they can be good and correct in the eyes of others and their own and receive attention and support, which was so lacking in their time.

I don't want to be a victim woman

First of all, you need to gain courage and admit to yourself that you are a victim. That you often behave like a victim, and all your emotions, desires and words are subordinated to remaining in this role further. There is no need to be afraid of this, it is not shameful, not bad and not terrible. It happens, you just weren’t able to survive it, but only a few succeed; the rest always need the help of specialists. Therefore, there is no reason to consider yourself weak, defective and abnormal. Such behavior does not belong to bad qualities, because it arises under the influence of other people due to the fragile child’s psyche, when the child is not able to defend himself and understand that it is he who is being treated badly, and not he who is bad and deserves such treatment.

Next, it is important to realize and accept the fact that the struggle against dependence on the role of the victim will be a long one. You can shorten the path to victory with the help of competent specialists, or by persistent and painstaking work on yourself. You need to prepare for what will not be easy.
Changing deeply ingrained behavior is not an easy task, it can be said that it is very difficult and therefore rarely gets to the end. And it depends on how ready you are for a happy life. If not, then there’s no point in starting, just open up the wounds that were forgotten.
If you are ready to fight, then start by excluding from your social circle those who allow themselves to offend you. There is no need to listen to those who themselves suffer from low self-esteem and therefore try their best to offend more painfully, covering their desire with imaginary care. Anyone who is truly a worthy person will not allow himself to criticize, condemn or discuss anyone. Let everyone else look after themselves, they themselves have a whole bunch of problems.

If you are afraid of offending, then say that you will no longer tolerate any offensive statements addressed to you, and if your friendship is dear to them, they should take this into account. They will pretend that they didn’t hear anything and will continue to test their strength, drive them to their necks, constantly citing that there is no time to communicate, you are not at home, and in general you are leaving for Africa for a year, so you shouldn’t count on your help either.

Remember, as long as you are convinced that you are owed everything, but at the same time you believe that attention and love can only be earned by complaining, you are robbing yourself. You spend all your energy trying to get what you want at the expense of others, but few are willing to sacrifice their own interests, time and energy to satisfy other people's needs. That's why you are left with nothing. Learn to get what you want yourself, it will bring you satisfaction much faster than the position of a victim and dreams of a rescuer.
And remember: in general, you have the right to behave as you see fit. You are responsible for your behavior and words, so you decide what to do and say. Claims are made to you if something goes wrong. So stop listening to everyone and pleasing everyone, being afraid and making excuses. And then soon life will pass like this.

When in childhood, parents constantly cited other children as examples, who for some reason always turned out to be better, they unconsciously destroyed self-love in their child, instilled the idea that if he does not obey them in everything, he will remain bad and simply die , because everyone turns away from him. Having become an adult, the girl, having never gotten rid of this feeling of fear and helplessness, subconsciously continues to live by the same attitudes that reigned in her family. This is the main reason why a girl turns into a female victim, never realizing the harmfulness of what her parents did and the fact that she can only cope with it by growing up, and not by continuing to behave like a child, and often by finding a tormentor , already in the person of a man. Therefore, it’s time for everyone who is tired of being a victim to gather their willpower and become an adult who is able to cope with any fears and difficulties.

A female victim is a very common phenomenon. Psychologists talk in detail about the characteristics of this type of people and how to go from a victim to a loving and beloved woman.

The victim woman is a type of woman that can be found everywhere. This psychological state does not depend on age, financial situation, or status. It does not depend on the real state of affairs. "Victim" is a state of mind.

There are women who believe that everything in their lives is bad. They think that their husband doesn’t love them, their children don’t listen, their co-workers don’t understand or respect them, their boss is nagging, and so on. They communicate with the outside world mainly through complaints. Why is this happening? Indeed, very often such complaints do not have serious grounds. When the cause of the misfortune is eliminated, the situation is resolved, then, it would seem, such a woman should breathe a sigh of relief and begin to enjoy life.

But this does not happen, since there is a new reason for all troubles and failures. A distinctive feature of all “victims” is their reluctance to correct the situation and do anything in order to find happiness and harmony with themselves and the world around them. They may not realize it, but they are quite happy with this state of affairs, since they experience a certain moral satisfaction from their constant complaints.

“I became a victim of my love.” - with this statement, women often turn to a specialist and ask him to provide help. However, according to psychologists, everything is not so simple. When starting to analyze her situation, the specialist, as a rule, offers possible solutions to the problem, but the woman does not seem to hear him.

She doesn’t want to change anything in her life at all. She is content with the role of a victim whom everyone pities, and from a specialist she wants to hear words of compassion rather than receive real help. For her, being a victim is beneficial. This role allows her to achieve everyone's attention, sympathy, and pity. To get out of this state is to lose the support of relatives and friends. They will no longer feel sorry for her, which means she will lose certain benefits and indulgences.

By constantly complaining, she allows herself to be late for work, not prepare lunch, and so on. And people forgive her for this, attributing it to a bad mood, problems in the family. The role of the victim is very selfish. It allows a woman not to fulfill her obligations to other people. Naturally, not everyone decides to leave this game. Experts believe that the psychology of the victim is formed at an early age.

There are several possible reasons for this type of behavior. As a rule, the psychology of the victim is formed in those girls whose mothers live according to this scenario. Since childhood, they have watched their mothers endlessly complain about life. The reason for complaints can be anything: a tyrant husband, an evil mother-in-law, a bad boss, and so on. Basically, of course, such women complain about family life.

It happens that complaints turn out to be unfounded, but, as a rule, something is really going wrong in the family. Such women very often come across cruel husbands who subjugate them to their will. Why is this happening? The answer is simple: instead of repelling the tyrant and divorcing him, the “victim” only evokes pity, which gives the man a certain feeling of impunity and enrages him even more.

A girl who grows up in such a family learns a similar model of relationships and, most likely, as an adult, will live according to the same scenario. Her mother cannot organize her own life and shows her helplessness. She teaches her daughter this helplessness. There is a high probability that in the future she will be humiliated and pitied in the same way. Often the role of a tyrant and a person who pities the “victim” is played by the same person.

Another reason for the formation of the image of a “victim” may be the excessive love of her parents for the girl, or her illness at an early age. In such situations, parents take care of their daughter from an early age, feel sorry for her, and do not burden her with homework. Psychologists believe that this behavior of parents is not the norm. By such actions they ruin the child’s whole life, while at the same time they themselves experience a certain psychological comfort.

The “victim” is easier to manage, and it is much easier to find a common language with her. Experts believe that such behavior, when a person feels the need to constantly take pity on someone, is a form of psychological vampirism. Living according to this scenario, people feed off other people’s energy and experience a sense of moral satisfaction from this.

This can be very bad for the child. In addition to the fact that the girl gradually gets used to the image of a victim imposed on her, she also experiences fear of not committing actions that could upset her parents. It is very difficult to get rid of the image of a victim sitting inside. But experts say that everything is possible and this life scenario can and should be broken.

First of all, it is important for a woman or young girl to understand her problem, the reasons for its occurrence and why she has not yet gotten rid of this role. Without realizing your problem, turning to a psychologist in this case is useless, because the “victim” will only expect pity from the specialist, but not real help.

But helping a person who is not internally ready to accept this is not so easy. Moreover, it is practically impossible. Once the woman understands her situation, the specialist will be able to begin working with her. First of all, he will advise the woman to stop feeling sorry for herself and shifting all the blame for the current situation onto other people. She must understand that a person himself is responsible for his actions.

If she believes that her husband, colleagues or other people are treating her inappropriately, most likely she herself is to blame for this attitude. By allowing herself to be humiliated and then regretted, the woman showed those around her that she could be treated this way. It is difficult to reverse this situation, but it is important to act clearly and decisively. There is no need to try to fix anything gradually.

It’s better to have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband, colleagues or acquaintances and tell them that such a relationship is unacceptable. People need to make it clear that from now on their communication will develop only according to a scenario that suits both parties. Otherwise, the relationship will be severed. The most important thing is to nip in the bud all manifestations of pity, which at first will be commonplace. It is not so easy to break a script that has been formed over the years.

At this moment, a woman may need qualified help. There is no need to be ashamed of your experiences. A competent specialist will always listen and give advice on how to quickly cope with a particular situation. If someone from your inner circle continues to show pity with particular persistence, you need to stop communicating with such a person, or protect yourself from him as much as possible, at least for a while.

In order to finally stop feeling sorry for yourself and feel true happiness and satisfaction from life, it is important to find yourself in creativity, in the profession, in relationships with men. It is important not to focus on your problem. After all, a truly successful person evokes only admiration and this is the height to which one should strive.

It is important to show your independence and ability to maintain dignity in any situation. You need to understand that self-esteem is the most important thing and cannot be lost under any circumstances. After all, having exchanged it for the dubious pleasure of communicating with a tyrant, a person loses himself, his individuality, his true face, and allows another person to invade his own life.

The task of every psychologist is to help representatives of the fair sex go through the difficult path from victim to loving and beloved woman. Experts assure that this is possible, but for this, faith in success is important.

Surely everyone has met those who constantly face many problems - from minor failures to serious misfortunes. Such people constantly talk about the troubles that haunt them every day - they seek support, as if saying: “Look how unlucky I am, have pity on me!” This type of behavior is called victim syndrome. Victim syndrome in psychology is understood as a state of a person in which he looks for those to blame for his failures, justifying himself and blaming others for mistreatment.

A person who has chosen the position of a victim is firmly convinced that no matter what work he takes on, nothing good will come of it. You want to convince him, to prove that he will succeed, that the main thing is to believe in himself, but any statements run into a stone wall. He is not confident in his abilities and is not able to make decisions on his own. He is happy to shift responsibility to another person. This transfer of responsibility helps avoid having to make choices. It seems like he has given up on being happy forever.

He explains quite logically why this happened. He proves to everyone and himself that he is simply doomed to suffer, that nothing can be fixed. Gradually, he develops a similar social circle. There are people around him who use him or try to convince him. The efforts of both the first and the second only strengthen the confidence in the doom of torment and suffering. A vicious circle is formed. This is how the psychological position of the victim is formed.

Have you ever wondered why most people periodically or constantly play the role of the Victim? On the one hand, there is nothing good about this role. The victim suffers, suffers, is afraid, is humiliated, offended, pleases others, grovels, submits, complains, periodically rebels, but is always in a dependent position on someone or something.

The victim unconsciously and involuntarily attracts tyrants and tormentors to himself, without wanting it. There is always a tyrant or tormentor next to the Victim. Just as the Victim always appears next to the tyrant and tormentor.

The victim unknowingly provokes others to behave in this way towards him. The other person may not realize that he is tyrannizing the Victim, and may not want it. But he does it that way. There is little awareness in such relationships. Not only people, but also life circumstances and illness can act as a tormentor. A person in the role of a Victim subconsciously attracts problems, troubles and illnesses to himself, and even unconsciously creates them himself.

A victim is a person who is subjected to:
♦ Physical violence (murder, beating, incest, sexual violence).
♦ Moral violence (humiliation, suppression, rejection, ignoring, boycott, bullying, threats, blackmail).
♦ Energy effects (damage, evil eye, vampirism).
♦ Manipulative influence (blackmail, manipulation).
♦ And other influences (robbery, betrayal, deception, treason).

So, on the one hand, it would seem that there are only disadvantages in the role of the Victim. But on the other hand, being a Victim is very profitable. These benefits, of course, are not realized by a person; they are hidden from him. But if you think about it, you can find them. For example, one of the common benefits is to receive a portion of pity from loved ones, or, at worst, to feel sorry for yourself.

People in the role of Victim perceive love as pity, and pity for them is the equivalent of love. Therefore, when the Victim wants to receive love from loved ones and relatives, she unconsciously seeks to arouse pity for herself. And she doesn’t know how to receive love any other way. And when the Victim feels sorry for himself, this is tantamount to showing care and love for himself. Another common benefit of Victims is to receive gratitude, recognition, to feel needed, necessary, irreplaceable and even holy.

People in the role of Victim try to deserve and earn love and approval, choosing different ways to do this. All these methods are losing and destructive for relationships and the person playing the role of the Victim. All of them lead to unhappiness, disappointment and severe suffering, since love cannot be earned or earned, begged or begged. I will give several frequently encountered varieties of the role of the Victim, depending on the method of receiving love. Of course, this is not the entire list.

Complaints about life, health, government

This is a “classic of the genre”. As soon as you notice that you are complaining, realize that the victim is speaking in you. Ask yourself: What have I NOT done for myself or don’t want to do to improve my condition? Dissatisfied with government decisions - What can I do in the current conditions? How can I use these circumstances to my advantage?

State of insignificance (I am not worthy, I am “small”)

The state of insignificance fetters, drives into frameworks that limit everything. At this moment, you believe that you really are not worthy of anything good, and you compare yourself with others to a disadvantage. Remember that your spiritual guides, angels, and your entire family are behind you. They are already with you all the time, but at such moments you especially need their support. Try to feel their presence or imagine that they are standing next to you right now, hugging you, enveloping you in the divine energy of love. No matter what happens, they are there. Just don't forget about it.

One more trick. Imagine that you have a beautiful golden crown studded with precious stones on your head. Walk with this feeling, especially in those moments when you feel insecure. The state of insignificance will be replaced by awareness of one's own dignity. The queen cannot be insignificant and unworthy.

Hostile attitude towards the world

A person sees enemies in everyone and is in tension because he is constantly waiting for an attack. This consumes a huge amount of energy. For some people, this behavior becomes a habit and becomes a way of life. If this is not stopped, a person risks his resource, health and well-being.

Concentrate on your heart and imagine a smile there. Hold it for a while. Practice when you are alone, and then go out in public with the awareness of that smile. If you practice this regularly, you will feel relaxed, hostility on your part will go away, and you will notice that people have become more favorable towards you.

When you judge someone or yourself, you move from vertical to horizontal. You are setting yourself back in your development. Judging others is easier than getting up and doing something positive for yourself. If you find yourself judging yourself, stop and think about why you are judging yourself, what problem you are running from. Your favorite leisure activity is washing bones of everyone.

You have a terrible appreciation for the bad people who come into your life, which is why they stick to you as if you were smeared with butter. You experience puppyish delight when someone in your circle finally makes a mistake or simply acts horribly. Then your holiday begins! You enjoy discussing this person's weaknesses all day long. And if he also hurt you with his behavior...

Powerlessness (I can’t do anything, everything is useless,I don't have enough strength )

Powerlessness can be expressed both as despair and as an outburst of aggression. Outbursts of anger when you lash out at your loved ones are due to powerlessness. Because you don’t see a way out of the current situation. This is the state of the victim. Remember that you always have a resource to solve the issue that torments you.

You have reached the point of powerlessness only because you have been looking for a way out for a long time, clinging to the problem. If you notice that you often make excuses, look for reasons not to do what you planned, at that moment you are overcome by the consciousness of a victim. Think about what is stopping you, what are you so afraid of.

Of course, it’s much easier to stay at home and continue living at your own pace than to go out and conquer the whole world! The go-ahead works especially well in this case: “I don’t have enough strength for this.” Just lovely! What a magic spell! After it, all responsibility immediately disappears from our shoulders, and absolutely nothing else depends on us. And also, when they start to humiliate or offend us, we behave as if we deserved it.

I'm very worried

Sometimes we all like to make a big deal out of a molehill, and then walk around all day and worry about the fact that somewhere on the street there is a huge elephant of gigantic proportions roaming freely! But some people are guilty of this hobby. If you are constantly nervous about something, constantly thinking of something to worry about tonight, this is not the case.

I'm not worthy of true love

The cycle of love is spinning all around... People get together and experience separation, give birth to children, and then share them, and so on... And at this time we dream about the main character of our favorite series, devoting him every free evening and generally a minute. After all, in the real world there will definitely not be a person who will be able to truly love us. After all, we are unworthy of love! Why then waste time and wait for a miracle? All of these thoughts are common among people who take on the role of victim. And all these thoughts, by the way, need to be driven to hell! In general, everything that devalues you in this life should be deported from your space. Once and for all.

Everyone around is perfect, but I’m bad

For some reason, you never thought that you had strong qualities. This very thought basically disgusts you. The computer starts to freeze: “How is it that I have good sides? Pros? No, just look at Vasya - he really has good sides! He can do this and that. And Elena? Yes, she can do anything at all. What am I..." This is how any conversation you have usually ends. Naturally, after this your mood drops below zero, and the desire to live seems to disappear. Of course, instead of thinking soberly, you simply fall into sad hibernation.

The role of the victim - everything is terrible

“Victims” condemn the one who causes their misfortunes; in fact, they do not at all strive to change the situation in any way, since they are quite comfortable in it, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. Unfortunately, victim syndrome does not only affect criminals and victims - it is much more common in everyday, especially family relationships.

For example, a tyrant husband insults and beats his wife, who, in turn, complains day after day about her difficult fate to her friends, savoring the details of the next quarrel and lamenting: “It’s impossible to live with this monster!” Everyone understands that the best solution would be to leave this man and stop being in the role of a victim. Only a woman doesn't do this. The reason is simple - she comfortable in this state. The current situation is a comfort zone for this lady. Therefore, in fact, she is not looking for a way to solve the problem, but is waiting for someone to sympathize with her, feel sorry for her, and help her (if only because it is inconvenient for many to refuse the poor thing).

You seem to be a little colorblind. But not in the usual meaning of the word. You just see everything in black and white, and even more often – just black. You have long forgotten what positive experiences are. When was the last time you laughed sincerely? When the plague epidemic began in the seventeenth century, and you “said that life was unfair and terrible”? That's it. Just don’t think that this characterizes you as a strong person. This is a typical sign of a victim

Submissive Victim

The submissive Victim lives by other people's rules, in the interests of other people, does not have his own opinion or even the right to an opinion. She agrees to put herself in last place and voluntarily dissolves in other people; for her this is a manifestation of love. Next to her, as a rule, is a tyrant and tormentor. The submissive Victim does not realize that he is a Victim; it seems to her that this is how it should be. This was the custom in her family, in her parental family, for her such life is the norm.

Such a person strives to earn love through obedience, patience and submission. But this is precisely what pushes other people away from him. Over time, such a Victim begins to be despised and neglected.

Pleaser/Pleasant

A person strives to earn love and approval, recognition and gratitude, by being helpful, pleasing others, to the detriment of his own interests. It seems to him that the more he loves, flatters and pleases the other, the better their relationship will be. This is what happens at first.

But the more one pleases, the more impudent the other becomes and sits very comfortably “on the neck of the pleaser.” The saint expects at least gratitude from his loved ones, but his loved ones take everything for granted. Over time, the sacrificial position of the pleaser and the tyranny of the tyrant intensify, and the situation worsens. It is impossible to get love through pleasing.

Workaholic

This person strives to earn love and approval by working hard. He can work hard at work or only at home (in the role of a downtrodden housewife), or in two shifts at work and at home.

At first, the workaholic is full of enthusiasm. But sooner or later a person “burns out”, becomes energetically devastated and gets sick, that is, turns into a Victim.
He constantly expects gratitude and recognition of his merits from other people, but his relatives do not appreciate the workaholic and do not feel any gratitude towards him. On the contrary, they would like the workaholic to stop working so much and finally start spending time with them.

This Victim seeks to earn love by arousing pity for himself. Such a person may be “perpetually sick,” “perpetually drunk,” “perpetually poor,” “perpetually unlucky in love,” or “perpetually a loser.” Remember “She loved him for his torment, and he loved her for her compassion for them”? In Russia, love has long been associated with pity. When they said: “I feel sorry for him,” they meant “I love him.” But pity is actually not love, but hidden aggression. This is the kind of “surrogate for love” that Poor Guy receives.

Victim - 33 misfortunes

Such a person constantly gets into various troubles: accidents, accidents, and every now and then he finds himself a victim of robbery or violence. He constantly gets injured when he falls out of the blue. Something always happens to him. “He’s just in trouble!” With all these situations, he attracts pity and attention to himself, that is, love.

Scapegoat

No matter what happens, and no matter who is actually to blame, the “scapegoat” is always punished. He is always to blame for everything. It is very convenient for others to “attribute” the causes of their problems to a “scapegoat”. And the “scapegoat”, taking upon himself the sins of others, feels his need and need.

A deeply loving victim

This person has his own way of earning love - through suffering and the power of his love. It seems to him that if he loves another person very, very deeply, with torment and suffering, he will be able to awaken love in the other. This is again a road to nowhere. The more such a person loves and suffers, the more disrespect, and then contempt, the beloved experiences for him. Such a Victim suffers from love addiction.

Holy Martyr/Martyr

This noble Victim devotes his life to loved ones, relatives, family, and actually sacrifices himself. She doesn't please, she doesn't humiliate. Quite the opposite: she is full of dignity and proudly bears her destiny. Her loved ones “sit on her neck,” but she does not complain, she endures all adversity steadfastly, silently and patiently. Next to such a Victim there are always “goats” who use her and, of course, do not appreciate her. The Holy Martyr earns love through martyrdom in the name of family, children, husband/wife, sick relatives, through feeling needed, useful and necessary (“they won’t survive without him”).

Helpless Victim

In contrast to the “holy martyr,” the helpless victim “gives up” at the first difficulties. She lives with attitudes: “I can’t do anything”, “I’m afraid”, “I can’t”, “I don’t know how”, “I can’t do anything”, “I’ll never succeed”, “from I won’t be of any use.” This is how “learned helplessness syndrome” manifests itself, which is formed in childhood up to 8 years. It is not innate. The parents themselves unconsciously teach it to their child, doing and deciding everything for him. The helpless Victim wins love with his helplessness and weakness.

Excellent student/Excellent student

This Victim, on the contrary, knows and can do everything, and not just how, but “excellently.” As a child, the Excellent Girl won love with “A” grades, and then by trying to do everything she did perfectly. An excellent student is a perfectionist and strives for perfection: she is an ideal housewife, an ideal mother, an ideal wife, an ideal lover, an ideal specialist, an ideal employee. But for some reason I’m always tired, irritated and completely exhausted. This is how the Excellence complex manifests itself. An excellent student is a victim of himself, he voluntarily “puts everyone on his neck,” but he rapes himself and destroys himself.

Always the guilty victim.I made a mistake and I will never be able to make up for it

This Victim has a guilt complex. Such a person chronically experiences feelings of guilt for any reason. And this guilt is often contrived by himself. A person may blame himself for the death of someone close to him, for the fact that his loved ones are sick or experiencing problems. Well, since he is guilty, then he must be punished. And a person subconsciously strives for punishment in the form of illness, trouble, problems. Sometimes he mentally says to himself: “That’s what I need. It’s my own fault!” or “That’s what I need, I don’t deserve anything good.”

Let’s say a woman can blame herself for her mother’s illness (“I got on her nerves”) and for the child’s illness (“the child is responsible for my sins”), for her husband’s infidelity (“I’m a bad wife”) and subconsciously punish herself by getting sick, getting injured, suffering. This person takes full responsibility for everything and everyone upon himself. And often takes on someone else's responsibility.

Today, many adults find it profitable and convenient to live this way. The victim position always provides a number of advantages: it helps to manipulate other people's feelings of guilt; helps not to do anything on your own, shifting responsibility to others. In principle, this position is no worse than other roles that we play in life. But it has one specific feature - it gives rise to a feeling of powerlessness, worthlessness, and, as a result, hatred and envy of others.

The victim position in a relationship provides a number of psychological benefits. As a rule, a woman plays this role; she derives certain benefits from this position: she receives the attention of others, sympathy, support, and help. And no one demands anything from her in return. To leave this role means to lose help, support, and pity, and therefore she again and again chooses the position of the victim. A person who is pitied by society is forgiven and allowed a lot. The victim does not need to strive for anything. She is forgiven for her mistakes at work because she has problems at home, and at home they forgive her for missing dinner. She does what she wants, and she has no obligations to anyone. That is, the role of the victim has its own psychological “advantages”. Therefore, it is very difficult to get out of this psychological game.

Victims are great manipulators. It would seem like an ordinary story - a mother forces her son to do what she needs: “I didn’t sleep at night for you, but you don’t love me! You don’t need me at all!” She is a victim, her goal is to cause a feeling of shame, to appeal to conscience, making her son a tyrant. Surely, everyone can remember similar stories when similar feelings forced them to do for others what was inconvenient and/or unnecessary.

Plus numerous problems are a great excuse for all occasions. As a rule, the speech of people susceptible to victim syndrome is structured according to the model: “I have a bad job because I didn’t get an education, because ...” (insert the desired reason), or “I don’t have time to think about my personal life, since I have ...”, or “I would have achieved everything if not for...”. Shifting responsibility for your failures on others - a characteristic feature of victims and a very convenient position.

They become acquainted with the role of the Victim in childhood, try it on themselves in preschool age, and rehearse it in every possible way at school. Its main reason is authoritarian upbringing. It is formed when:
♦ The child is beaten or severely punished
♦ Rejected or betrayed
♦ Humiliate, criticize
♦ Or, on the contrary, they are overly protective and sorry (“my poor thing”) As a result, the child gets used to the role of “poor and unfortunate” and in adulthood subconsciously receives love from other people, causing them pity and sympathy.
♦ In all these cases, the child experiences a lack of love from his parents. After all, if parents take care of him, then only when they consider it necessary, and in the way they consider necessary.
♦ And the child strives to deserve or earn love in different ways: by helpfulness, helplessness, irreplaceability, pity, work, labor, “A’s,” negative behavior.

Often the role of the Victim is passed down from generation to generation. So, if a girl’s grandmother and mother played the role of the Victim, the girl also automatically falls into this role.

Psychology of the victim

Let's now look at what the psychology of the victim is. The usual state of the Victim - suffering. A person constantly or periodically suffers, is dissatisfied with something, is not satisfied with something, that is, he constantly feels bad. But from this state he “draws” pleasure and satisfaction. Otherwise, he does not know how to receive pleasure and joy.

The main component of the Victim role is helplessness . A person can be active and energetic in ordinary situations, but feel helpless in the face of any difficulties. Even an Excellent student can do everything “on his own” and not only can, but “excellently”, but he is helpless and does not see a way out, how he can change the situation, as differently as possible. It happens that he “understands with his head”, but cannot change anything.

The next component is hopelessness . The victim does not see a way out of the unpleasant situation and his position as a Victim. And he doesn’t believe that it’s possible to get out of it. She feels powerless. She has no strength, no energy and time, she feels constant fatigue. And she does not have the strength to cope with the situation, to change it. The victim takes a position of irresponsibility, but at the same time tends to take on someone else's responsibility. She believes that nothing depends on her. A person in the role of Victim is dependent on other people and circumstances. He is controlled and manipulated, but he has no influence on anything. All his problems are always someone else's fault, and he has nothing to do with it. The victim blames others for her problems - they make her suffer, they tyrannize her, they do not help her. And so she gets offended and angry at others, as well as herself.

But at the same time, some Victims unknowingly take responsibility for others (husband, children, mother, colleagues). That is, they shift responsibility for their lives onto others, and take responsibility for others themselves. This is the kind of confusion they have with responsibility. For example, a woman may take responsibility for the health of her parents, but not see her responsibility for her own health. She may feel responsible for her son’s studies, but not take responsibility for her failures in her personal life (“I’m unlucky,” “this is fate,” “there are no good men”).

Some Victims prefer to get sick rather than try to understand why and why they were given this disease. They will get sick, but they will never do health-improving meditations and techniques or constellations, pray or undergo unction. There are people who would rather die than forgive the offender who “ruined their life.” And at the same time they will feel like heroes and will not even realize that they have been living in the role of the Victim for a long time.

Victim syndrome: is it possible to get rid of it?

To help a person get rid of the victim syndrome, psychologists recommend not to sympathize or assent to pitiful speeches, but to silently listen to the interlocutor and ask specific questions, for example, “What conclusion did you draw from the situation so that it does not happen again?”, “What will you do?” further?". Theoretically, such tactics should force the individual to perceive the world more realistically and take responsibility for his own actions. Although a more likely scenario is that your counterpart will simply stop communicating with you and find someone who will feel sorry for him.

Psychologists believe that a person has the opportunity to play many roles throughout his life - in the profession, in relationships, in the everyday sphere. The opposite role to the victim is the role of a happy free person - the creator and master of his life. To become such a person, you need to stop feeling and perceiving yourself as a victim, change internally and become the master of your destiny.

How to get rid of the victim position?

Getting out of the role of a victim and becoming a happy person is a long and difficult process, but everyone has this opportunity. If a person understands that he no longer wants to play the role of a victim and wants to change his life position forever, but feels that his own strength is not enough for this, he should consult a psychologist.

In addition to professional help, the following rules must be observed:

♦ Learn to control your emotions and experiences.
♦ Learn to overcome difficulties on your own without the help of others.
♦ Surround yourself with cheerful, positive, successful people.

Emotional Freedom Technique

One way to get out of the victim position is the “Emotional Freedom Technique” developed by Harry Craig. This is a direct impact technique, it is very simple and easy to learn. Its essence lies in the fact that once again, when a person remembers a negative event, a traumatic situation, he needs to lightly press several times with his fingers on certain points on the body, which are points of energy flows. In most cases, this method reduces fears and negative emotions. You can learn how to correctly perform the Emotional Freedom Technique by watching the video.

Victim syndrome is a personality disorder in which the patient constantly needs an external reason for his failures. In other words, people with this syndrome consider themselves the most unlucky and unhappy. At the same time, patients think that everyone is to blame for all their troubles, but not themselves. And even if nothing bad is happening in life at the moment, patients are sure that some kind of threat will definitely appear in the near future.

Causes of the syndrome

The disease cannot be congenital and is not inherited. It develops only as a person grows older. Moreover, the victim syndrome currently occupies a special place in psychology, since the number of patients increases every year. Mostly the pathology develops in females.

Scientists have not yet identified any single and common trigger mechanism, but have identified a number of the most likely causes of the syndrome, which include:

Mental trauma. Most often, such an impact occurs at a very young age, since the emotional background at that time is still unstable. For example, in the case when a child received some kind of physical injury or became ill, and relatives show too much concern. The disease goes away over time, but the attitude towards the child remains the same. Hence it turns out that he continues to constantly feel like a victim.
Overprotectiveness. When parents worry excessively about their child and control his every step, the baby gets used to the imposed image and, like his loved ones, begins to be wary of literally everything. Ultimately, such behavior leads to resentment towards the entire world around us and complete distrust of it.
Predisposition to mental disorders. The syndrome is not inherited and, accordingly, is not genetically determined. We are talking about a predisposition to any mental disorders in general. It is generally accepted that such a disorder can occur if one of the relatives had a shaky nervous system.
Family circumstances. This factor mainly applies to women whose husbands are too serious and cruel by nature. Due to frequent conflicts, wives begin to feel like victims of real domestic violence.
Crucial and significant events. Most people always strive for something and try to achieve what they want by any means. But, unfortunately, fate may decide otherwise. In such cases, the victim of circumstances syndrome appears. At the same time, patients are not able to soberly assess reality.

Symptoms of the disorder

Victim syndrome usually manifests itself not as a single symptom, but as a whole group. Moreover, the first symptoms are almost invisible and appear at a young age. That is why it is important to pay attention to any changes in the child’s behavior, and at the slightest suspicion of the development of a disorder, consult a specialist.

Most often, the disease begins with an obsession with any negative moments that happen to a person. Moreover, the patient pays attention even to those cases when the threat has long passed. The next striking symptom is the appearance of egocentrism, when the patient cannot adequately perceive the opinions of others.

Patients also become confident that they are the only ones in the whole world who are so unlucky and unhappy, for example, unlike their friends and work colleagues. It is precisely such thoughts that lead to another attempt to arouse pity from relatives and hear support from them. Over time, complaints become too frequent, and negative events and their consequences are exaggerated.

Finally, the patient with the syndrome begins to blame everyone around him for recent failures and defeats, except himself. At the same time, he becomes overly persistent and stubborn and refuses the offered help. Self-destruction develops.

All this can lead to physical, behavioral and psychological problems. Apathy and anxiety appear, the worldview changes and new phobias arise. Along with them, panic attacks, depression, short temper, irritability, decreased concentration, loss of interest in everything that is happening, and thoughts of suicide arise. A person’s health is also undermined: he loses his appetite, insomnia, migraines, digestive disorders and frequent colds appear.

Portrait of a patient with victim syndrome

Since the pathology is manifested by a whole complex of different signs, it is possible to draw up a general portrait of a patient with victim syndrome. For such a patient it is typical:

Depressed mood. People with the syndrome are absolute pessimists. They always notice only the bad and are sure that even their relatives want to offend or set them up. Therefore, they have practically no reason to rejoice.
Egocentrism. For patients there is no other correct opinion than their own. And if someone tries to convince them, they will only receive a storm of indignation and hysterics in response.
Not accepting your own failures. This phenomenon can also occur in the lives of absolutely healthy people. In case of disorder, the situation repeats itself much more often. At the same time, the patient completely refuses to admit guilt and, on the contrary, only looks for those to blame. But he is unable to express an opinion because of his own timidity and shyness.
Joy in other people. People with the syndrome react especially vividly to the happiness of colleagues, friends or even relatives. And it’s impossible not to notice. Patients complain of a lack of luck and luck in themselves and, as a result, are very upset by the success of others.
The need for increased authority. It is important for patients to regularly feel like a significant and important person both at work and in the family. Their every action and decision requires approval and encouragement. If this does not happen for a long enough time, then the patient develops an inferiority complex.
Frequent complaints. People with victim syndrome love to talk, or rather, complain. All events that happen in their lives necessarily have negative consequences. And it is almost impossible to convince patients.
Avoidance of responsibility. This symptom can be noticed already in early childhood, when the child does not admit to what he has done and shifts his blame. But if in youth such behavior can still be considered a manifestation of immaturity, then in adults it is a clear sign of victim syndrome. For example, when a person refuses a promotion at work in order to avoid certain obligations.
Attempts to evoke pity. At first glance, this sign is not special, because any person would be happy, for example, with the help of loved ones and their care during a cold. But in patients with the syndrome, the need for support is constantly present. Every minute they are ready to talk about any difficult moments of their life, but at the same time they are unable to listen to their interlocutor at least once and help him.
Expecting only negative results. Patients like to exaggerate the consequences of their actions. They believe that any situation will definitely have an exclusively negative ending. This symptom manifests itself especially strongly when the victim commits some not very good deed.
Excessive independence. Patients with the syndrome can easily help their friends and relatives, but will be categorically against retaliatory actions. It is important for them to feel unhappy, and this is only possible when there is a negative situation. From the outside, this behavior looks like stubborn and stupid persistence.
Inability to refuse. People with victim syndrome usually cannot refuse others. Therefore, any request, even the most humiliating for the patient, will certainly be fulfilled. This occurs due to the patient’s fear of remaining alone and unnecessary to anyone at all.

All these signs are common to patients with the disorder. But do not forget that each person is individual, so the manifestations of the disease may vary.

What is the benefit for the victim?

Psychologists and psychiatrists have long come to the conclusion that patients with victim syndrome are excellent manipulators. With their complaints and negative attitude towards everything that happens in life, they easily overcome their goals and achieve unprecedented heights. Moreover, their numerous failures and problems can serve as a good excuse in any situation. And shifting one’s own obligations onto other people is also a fairly thoughtful and convenient move.

Classification

Every year, new types appear among the classification of the syndrome. This happens due to the fact that the pathology is only gaining momentum and affecting an increasing number of people. Moreover, each case is individual and deserves special attention. Research by specialists has revealed the most common types of pathology.

Victim of violence

Victim of sexual violence. In terms of the degree of psychological trauma, psychologists compare this type of pathology with the mental disorder of participants in military operations. The syndrome is usually attributed to a person’s natural response to a threat. In this case, the victim develops a tendency towards self-destruction, self-blame and aggressiveness. All this affects subsequent sexual relationships: fear and nervousness, hostility towards the opposite sex and sexual dysfunction appear. Sometimes, after such violence, a person ceases to perceive himself as a person, self-loathing appears, and thoughts of suicide arise.
The woman is a victim of violence. This case usually arises when a woman's family is subject to strict patriarchy: wives are regularly subjected to physical violence and do not have the right to vote. Victims of domestic terror are helpless and depressed, but despite this they still try in every possible way to protect their spouse, explaining his behavior with the most stupid excuses. Sometimes the syndrome can lead to psychological paralysis.
The child is a victim. This type of violence is also quite common. Bullying of a child at school and in the family; frequent conflicts with parents and friends; beating and moral humiliation of a child - all this leads to the development of victim syndrome from an early age. Prolonged violence can lead to the appearance of unreasonable complexes, aggressive behavior, stuttering or hysteria. As a result, learning deteriorates and mental development is disrupted. There are known cases of suicide.

The person is a victim of a narcissist

In most cases, the disorder affects the female gender. It is women who most often turn their attention to narcissistic men. Usually the beginning of a relationship does not predict any trouble, everything proceeds perfectly and safely. But soon serious problems appear that oblige a woman to change herself and her life as a whole. It is not uncommon for victims of narcissists to experience feelings of shame, self-blame, and humiliation; depression, panic attacks, low self-esteem, various phobias or mental disorders appear. At the same time, victims continue to stay close to the narcissistic person, believing that they can change him. As a result, they cannot realize themselves either in the professional sphere or in their personal lives.

Stockholm syndrome

The disorder was first described at the end of the 19th century. During a robbery of one of the banks, a man took several people hostage. Thanks to the actions of the police, everything ended well, but one strange thing happened. During the robbery, the hostages supported the robber, justified all his actions, and after their own release they asked to pardon the offender. Scientists still cannot figure out why such a strange reaction occurred. But it has been noticed that similar behavior has been recorded in almost all similar situations.

Victim syndrome in everyday life

The disorder is directly related to victim syndrome. It occurs most often in family relationships between spouses. For example, we are talking about illness in the case when a despot husband insults his wife every day and causes physical injury to her, and she, at the same time, only complains to her friends and does not leave her husband. The reason for the behavior is simple - the girl feels comfortable feeling like a victim: she likes to feel compassion and support from loved ones.

Treating Victim Syndrome

If you suspect the development of victim syndrome, you should definitely contact a psychotherapist. Only this doctor can really help the patient and return him to his previous life, since any medication or physiotherapy is usually not required. Only in rare cases can a doctor prescribe anti-anxiety medications and antidepressants, but this is far from the main method of treating the disorder.

The doctor must conduct an oral interview with the patient, understand his emotional state and find out the reason that led to the occurrence of the syndrome. In most cases, the prognosis of therapy is favorable, since the disease does not belong to the group of congenital ones.

Usually psychologists advise trying to change your attitude towards the people around you, towards yourself and many situations that happen to a person. We need to stop engaging in our own self-deception and regular self-destruction. The patient should control all his actions; do not try to shift the blame onto others; and in assessing the situation, start not from your momentary emotions, but from reason and logic.

It is also especially important to love yourself, because every person deserves it. In this case, strength will appear not only for new achievements and discoveries, but also for a happy life and destiny in general.

Forecast

The position of the victim is one of the most comfortable, because there is always a “good reason” for one’s own mistakes. Therefore, it is often difficult for a patient to part with this “title”.

It is possible to help a person with the syndrome. If you consult a psychotherapist in a timely manner and follow all his recommendations, the patient can return to a normal, healthy life. But quite often this also requires the help of friends, family, and loved ones. They must stop sympathizing and assenting to the patient's pitiful speeches. Instead, during the conversation, you should ask direct questions that will help the person evaluate all his actions and thoughts adequately. Only in this case will the eternal victim finally turn into a healthy and cheerful person.

Video: about the psychological syndrome of the victim

Are you in a relationship? A good relationship will help you grow as a person and find mutual happiness, but sometimes a relationship can be bad and negatively affect both partners. The victim syndrome in relationships occurs specifically among women, because by nature we are inherently sacrificial: we sacrifice part of our freedom for the sake of maintaining a family hearth, our time and health for the sake of our children. But for personal happiness you cannot sacrifice absolutely everything, even for the sake of a loved one.

How not to be a victim in a relationship

To prevent the role of victim in a relationship from becoming your permanent role, you must remember these 10 things that you should never sacrifice for the sake of another person:

1. Your happiness.

Your partner should bring happiness and joy into your life, and not make you suffer. If he makes you feel bad about yourself, or your life, then it's an unhealthy relationship. Of course, your partner doesn't have to be in a great mood all the time, but if he is intentionally hurting you, then you should let him go. Such people must first solve their own problems before they can have healthy relationships with others.

2. Your joy.

Do you laugh until you cry with your loved one? Are you trying to do something new together? While it's normal to have disagreements, your relationship should be mostly happy and fun. It is important to enjoy life together not only as a couple, but also with your friends, and your partner must understand and respect this right.

3. Your freedom.

You shouldn't feel guilty about devoting some of your attention to other people. Your partner has no right to be annoyed or worried if you don't spend time together. Jealous behavior is usually an indicator of insecurity, insecurity and personal psychological problems that you are unable to correct. A healthy and stable relationship includes time you spend together and time you spend apart.

4. Your inner peace.

It is important to preserve your inner peace for your own happiness. If your partner makes you feel anxious and nervous, this could lead to real depression. If you regularly fight with your partner, then ask yourself:

What is the main and ongoing problem in your relationship?
Can you make each other happy?
Can this problem be solved?

5. Your experience.

Life is a fascinating thing. And it will give you many opportunities to gain experiences that will make you more interesting, happier, and perhaps richer. But if your partner does not want to try new things and keeps you from trying to change your life for the better, then I advise you to still not stop and follow your dreams. Remember that an emotionally stable partner will support your ideas and encourage you to grow.

6. Your personality.

Your personality is who you really are. In a happy relationship, neither partner tries to change the other's personality because they love each other for who they are. Of course, compromises are normal, but not with someone who is trying to completely change your personality and adapt you to himself. This may mean that he does not truly love you, but only loves his idea of you.

7. Your connection with other people.

At the beginning of a relationship, many people distance themselves from their loved ones and friends, devoting all their time to their loved one. However, if you've been together for months and still haven't seen your friends and family, then it doesn't seem like a healthy situation. It is very important to maintain friendly relations with friends and relatives. Being too dependent on your partner is bad for each of us. There are different things that happen in life, and if you break up with your partner, you run the risk of ending up completely alone, because before that you managed to break off relationships with other close people.