Guided only by his own interests. How to manage your life. Interview to tmn online portal

1. Goals The goals we set for ourselves must be achievable.

2. What happens when we have to take on boring work? We know in advance that she's boring. Valid installation , for example, like in the circus. The clown just came out, and we are already laughing. Because we have a fun mindset. However, the setting can be changed at will. If you imagine that it will be interesting, then you will internally tune in to interesting work, and this is exactly what is needed at first.

3. One installation is not enough. You need to add a little efforts(after psychological preparation it is easier to do this) and do the work more carefully than always. Because thoroughness is the main source of passion for work. If your attention is not completely focused on your work, it will seem boring because... interest - That's what it is concentration.

4. How long does it take to work to form interest? Theoretically, even one action can become the basis of a useful habit. But not always. Some psychologists, based on observations, claim that it takes three weeks to form a habit. Most likely, the experience of developing one’s interest must be continued until the first success and beyond.

5. Interests and inclinations appear and form only at work. Therefore, do not wait for interest to show, but become more actively involved in a variety of activities. This is the only way to identify and shape interests and inclinations.

If interests and inclinations are associated with life plans, then they turn into professional . This is, of course, good, and first of all, for you.

Adviсe

Relationships with parents

Ø Show concern for your parents. They get tired at work and at home. Give them something to make them happy. This helps to establish contact.

Ø Try to communicate with your parents in human language - this will give a better result than screaming and slamming doors.

Ø Ask your parents to talk about their youth, about conflicts with their parents. This will lead to a deeper understanding between you.

Ø Remember that sometimes parents are just in a bad mood. Try not to have noisy parties at home during this time.

Ø If your parents treat you like a small child, politely remind them that you have already matured and would like to solve problems related to your life with them.

Ø Let your parents know that you need their advice and help. This will help create a favorable environment at home.

Ø Talk to your parents, tell them the news of your life.

Ø Try not to deceive your parents. The secret still becomes clear.

Ø Remember that parents can make mistakes too. Be lenient.

Ø Parental prohibition most often turns out to be the right decision. Think about what would happen if you were allowed everything!

Ø If there is a quarrel and you feel guilty, find the strength to approach first. You won't lose respect, believe me.

Ø Establish boundaries of personal territory with your parents, but without getting annoyed or demanding. Just ask them about it.

Ø Housework is excellent preparation for independent living. Treat her with understanding.

Ø Returning home by a certain time is a way to protect you from troubles, that is, a security measure. If you are delayed, be sure to call, they are worried! Save them for yourself.

Ø About punishments. Parents may stop encouraging you and separate you from your friends. And all this can happen, as you think, because of a trifle. This “trifle” can infuriate parents. Think about it: maybe your parents see a danger that you either don’t realize or downplay.

Ø Demand that your parents explain the reasons for their behavior towards you and your friends. Maybe you will understand why they act this way or that way.

Ø If you are angry with one of your friends, teachers, irritated by dirt, slush, and also by a “f” given “for nothing,” do not take it out on your parents. This is not prudent and leads to sad consequences.

Ø If the parents decide to divorce, of course, this is a special case. It is worth understanding that father and mother are independent people, they must decide everything themselves. Moreover, people change over time, so you cannot blame your parents for losing their love for each other. And most importantly, remember: your parents are not getting a divorce because of you! It's not your fault!

School and you

Ø If school seems like hard labor to you, think and find something good in it, since you will still have to go to school. But you will have to because without education you will not find a place in life. This will create very big problems for you.

Ø Treat teachers with tolerance and understanding, since you will still have to take exams and write tests.

Ø If the teacher chooses you as an object of ridicule, stay after class and talk to him. Say that you don't like being this kind of object, if that doesn't help, talk to your parents.

Ø Keep in mind that there are no useless items. After all, now it is unknown what you will do in the future. It is also worth understanding that at the same time you are developing speech, the ability to think, training your memory and perseverance. Don't regret your time.

Ø Do not try to fight with a teacher who rightly gives you a bad grade, even if you really want to because of irritation or self-resentment. This will not lead to anything good, especially since such behavior will complicate your future life in the teacher’s lessons.

Ø If you are called to the director, never try to behave defiantly, but don’t beg either. Listen carefully to what they tell you. Say calmly and confidently that you made a mistake and in the future you will think carefully before acting in a similar way.

Ø If your comrades encourage you to engage in unacceptable behavior in class, say that you are not in the mood today or that you are very busy with something unrelated to the lesson. This will do you less harm than buffoonery, which could result in your parents being called to school.

Ø If the kids run away from the lesson as a whole class, try to convince them that they need to stay (the test is tomorrow, there will be an interesting lesson later, etc.). However, if it didn’t work out, there is no point in staying in class alone, much less complaining to the teacher.

Ø Keep your notebooks in order, this helps the teacher understand that you are trying. Try to spend at least 15 minutes in each lesson actively engaged in the lesson. This will help you spend less time preparing your homework.

Interview to the portal tmn online.

Are you attentive to yourself? Do you notice when it's time for you to take a break from work? Do you know how to distribute your attention between daily tasks? Nicholas Dunn , public figure, author of the educational project PRODEVELOPMENT, director, producer, presenter of author’s seminars and film trainings, spoke about what attention is and how its absence affects our lives.

– Nikolay, how did your professional activity begin, and how did you come to the practice of conducting author’s seminars?

– Any activity begins with an understanding: you want to do something. This happened to me during the perestroika period in 1991. Then I decided that I would have my own business and opened my first cooperative.

After working for three years, I realized that there was something else besides making money, so in 1995 I retired a little and plunged into the study of human psychology and his inner world.

Research has led me to the conclusion that at the heart of any business are the goals that a person sets for himself. They determine how he will live and what he will create in the future. To determine your goals, a person must learn to pay attention, first of all, to himself.

I also noticed that many people separate work, home and their inner world: at work I am alone, in the family I am different, with myself I am third. But man is a single form, a single organism. He should always be natural, the way he is, both at work and at home, and with himself. But to get to this point, taking off all the masks, you again need to pay attention to yourself. When I realized that attention is an important part of our lives, I developed my own program to teach you how to manage your attention.

– It turns out that attention should be the main component of any activity?

– Yes, because a person regularly makes decisions, and attention is the basis for decision-making. Take, for example, entrepreneurs or department heads. Each of them has a certain area of responsibility and area of risk, so most of their decisions must be correct. Questions arise - how to make sure that decisions are correct, by what criteria to evaluate their correctness, where to direct your attention? To help answer them, I created an attention management program. I also identified three main tools that help manage attention: thoughts, feelings and, of course, the body. Having studied the tools or become familiar with them, it is easier to trigger attention.

In addition, the manager must be able to distribute attention between daily tasks. We can make a schedule: when, at what time and how many things we have to do. At the same time, we do not understand how much attention we can devote to each matter. The correct use or distribution of time depends on the amount of attention: attention comes first, and time follows it. In other words, if we don't know how much attention to devote to solving a particular problem, then time can become wasted.

– Why sometimes attention becomes distracted and we lose precious time?

– There is attention to the external and attention to the internal: if there is no attention inside, then the external begins to dissipate. For example, if a person has an internal interest in some object, then all attention will be focused on it: the person will explore it, study it, talk about it everywhere. But as soon as internal interest disappears, that’s it, attention shifts, dissipates, and the object is no longer attractive to you.

– Can a person himself understand why interest was born and suddenly disappeared?

– Understanding this refers to a new stage in human development: when he gets to know himself and begins to realize how his attention works, how he can create his own interest. If a person begins to control his attention, he can turn on his interest in something, he has a choice. Before this, he had no choice: he woke up in a bad mood in the morning, and would walk around in a semi-depressed state all day. It is not a person who controls his interest and mood, but his mood that controls him - there is no choice. When a person understands what attention is, he begins to listen to himself, learn to manage his feelings, his interest, and new ideas appear. Due to this, he becomes in demand at work, in the family, and most importantly, he becomes in demand for himself. There is an opportunity to pay attention to what he wants. He acts not out of need or a sense of duty, but because he likes to do something, he is interested. It is very important that everything that a person pays attention to flourishes. In general, as a result of attention management, you will be able to manifest your own ideas that are aimed at the benefit of the individual and the benefit of society.

– It seems to me that now is just the time of year when attention is scattered and interest disappears. Can you give some tips on how to wisely distribute time and energy during such periods?

– Usually, absent-mindedness, if it is not a disease, occurs because you do not know how to rest. Sometimes a person works too much, and in order for him to somehow rest, the body’s mechanisms turn on - he becomes absent-minded. But, I repeat, this happens so that the person can rest, and not so that he starts working even harder. The intensity of external activity is already very high, but there are no pauses. Although pauses are needed to separate one thought from another. If there is no pause, it’s an eternal traffic jam in which you stand and think “I’m already late for everything,” and fuss arises.

In order to gather attention piece by piece, it is very important in the morning, when you wake up, not to include the thought of what I should do for as long as possible. It’s better to include the thought “how does my body feel?” and focus on the body - whether it is tired or not. Next, think about how you feel: Am I interested? Include such a component as interest in life, in today’s day. Not interest in work, not interest in what I need to do, but interest in life and in myself. Only after this can you get up, go brush your teeth, and so on. But for about half an hour every morning, challenge yourself not to think about work.

The next thing you can do is learn to observe. Observe without thinking, turning off all thoughts. For example, just watching how people walk from the minibus. Observation teaches a person to focus attention. Focus, along with vigilance and concentration, is an important aspect in managing attention.

In addition, you can set an alarm on your smartphone every two hours. As soon as it rings, you ask yourself: where am I, who am I, what am I doing. You explain to yourself what you are doing, clearly understanding that you definitely do it, and you definitely like it. Here I am sitting and talking to you now about what attention management is. Do I really want to do this? Yes, I definitely want this. It turns out that I answered the question for myself, concentrated my attention and analyzed my actions at a given moment in time.

In general, in order not to be absent-minded, you need to be able to live in a given moment in time. But this is a lot of work, because mentally people are constantly either in the past or in the future. And the ability to live in the present is the most important result of attention management.

– Can we say that living at a given moment in time means being in harmony with yourself?

– Harmony with oneself is a big word, because this harmony is multifaceted. If a person knows how to concentrate on himself, then he is already very close to harmony. The one who listens to himself and who has attention to himself will be in greater harmony than the one whose attention is directed to external things. If a person’s attention is directed to the external, then he will quickly become “inflamed,” scattered, offended by others, looking for someone to blame, and the like.

– How to develop that same inner attention, attention to oneself?

– The development of attention occurs in three stages. There are active and passive stages of attention. In the first stage, we develop the active stage, which includes the ability to think, recognize our feelings and understand the mechanisms of our own body. It helps you make the right decisions and develop further actions. And thoughts, feelings and body are tools for developing the active stage of attention.

When the active stage of attention is developed, you need to move on to the second stage and engage in the passive stage. This stage, on the contrary, involves the ability to pause, rest and stop thoughts. The lack of passive attention gives rise to negative feelings: anger, resentment, irritation and the like. It even happens that the body is normal, especially at a young age, but feelings are depressed. This happens when the passive stage of attention is poorly developed.

The third stage, when both the active and passive stages are developed, is the generation of ideas. After all, only a few are capable of this now, and they are in great demand. We are always looking for employees with global ideas, we need someone who can constantly generate them. If the company doesn't have someone with new, unique thoughts, we start copying what our competitors have. The production process becomes primitive.

So the development of the active and passive stages of attention, as well as the generation of ideas, are three mandatory stages in attention management, which are also included in the program I developed.

– What methods exist for generating ideas?

– The generation of ideas occurs in two cases: when we transform an old idea, or when we need to solve some pressing problem. So I wanted to make a film. One day I came to a film studio and said: “Let’s make a film.” They name the cost, and I understand that it is easier for me to open a film company than to pay for one film. That’s how I actually opened a film company. We made a film and came to sell it at the Cannes Film Festival. There we saw that no one was taking the practical educational film we made. Then we open our own film festival. Look, when I had the idea to make a film, I didn’t think about a film festival at all - there was no such idea. However, now the film festival that I created brings films from all over the world. It turns out that the problem turned into a task, and the task turned into a new idea. This is how ideas are generated as needed.

You can start generating with a simple action - feel if you have a creative streak. Generating ideas is akin to creativity: when you don’t know what exactly will happen, but you know that it will definitely happen. Creating something new excludes imitation of the old! We can use traditional technologies, but we must change our approach. So, you can brew tea automatically, for the sake of decency: you always brew tea when someone comes to visit you. But when you brew tea because you really want to treat me with it, the tea’s taste and aroma will even change. Another example: if a person gets angry and indignant while preparing soup, then no one will eat the soup afterwards. You can basically get poisoned from this soup. It seems banal, but the result depends on the emotion and state with which a person does something.

– This means that any business requires sincere desire and inspiration. Nikolay, where do you get inspiration for your activities?

– Where else can you find information about managing attention if, for example, a person cannot come to a seminar? Maybe you have your own books?

– I have written them, but not published them. I will try to finish the publication this year – I also feel the need for this. I just want to make the book very easily accessible. It is difficult to talk about attention when a person does not imply that it is the most important value, and moreover, that attention has a volume.

– Can you tell us in more detail what attention span is?

– The volume of attention can be compared to the volume of any vessel: it can be a lot or a little. There may be enough attention, or there may not be enough. If the attention span is small, a person will not be able to get more done. No matter how much you give him, no matter how you reward him, no matter how you motivate him, he will not do it - he does not have the necessary amount of attention. I even assume that in the near future, when hiring an employee, they will look at his attention span. Because attention span is the basis for human self-development. When a person develops, he develops an enterprise. And vice versa, when an enterprise develops, it stimulates a person to develop, search for new approaches to himself and improve his skills.

1. Goals The goals we set for ourselves must be achievable.

If interests and inclinations are associated with life plans, then they turn into professional . This is, of course, good, and first of all, for you.

ADVIСE

Relationships with parents

Ø Show concern for your parents. They get tired at work and at home. Give them something to make them happy. This helps to establish contact.

Ø Try to communicate with your parents in human language - this will give a better result than screaming and slamming doors.

Ø Ask your parents to talk about their youth, about conflicts with their parents. This will lead to a deeper understanding between you.

Ø Remember that sometimes parents are just in a bad mood. Try not to have noisy parties at home during this time.

Ø If your parents treat you like a small child, politely remind them that you have already matured and would like to solve problems related to your life with them.

Ø Let your parents know that you need their advice and help. This will help create a favorable environment at home.

Ø Talk to your parents, tell them the news of your life.

Ø Try not to deceive your parents. The secret still becomes clear.

Ø Remember that parents can make mistakes too. Be lenient.

Ø Parental prohibition most often turns out to be the right decision. Think about what would happen if you were allowed everything!

Ø If there is a quarrel and you feel guilty, find the strength to approach first. You won't lose respect, believe me.

Ø Establish boundaries of personal territory with your parents, but without getting annoyed or demanding. Just ask them about it.

Ø Housework is excellent preparation for independent living. Treat her with understanding.

Ø Returning home by a certain time is a way to protect you from troubles, that is, a security measure. If you are delayed, be sure to call, they are worried! Save them for yourself.

Ø Demand that your parents explain the reasons for their behavior towards you and your friends. Maybe you will understand why they act this way or that way.

School and you

Ø Treat teachers with tolerance and understanding, since you will still have to take exams and write tests.

Ø If the teacher chooses you as an object of ridicule, stay after class and talk to him. Say that you don't like being this kind of object, if that doesn't help, talk to your parents.

SUMMARY

Summary- information about your professional and personal qualities that may be of interest to a potential employer.

How to write a resume correctly:

The text must be clear, preferably typed on a computer;

The text must fit on one, or at most two pages;

Be as precise as possible in your wording, remember that a vague description of personal professional capabilities will create an uncertain impression of you;

Describe what experience you have, even if it is volunteer work or an internship during your studies;

It is better to present work experience in reverse chronological order;

You should not mention anything negative about yourself, but you should be prepared to discuss these issues in a positive tone during the interview;

Check for spelling errors in the text;

Resume Writing Plan

Full Name

Date and place of birth (indicate day, month, year of birth)

Education (last place of study: name of educational institution,
training time from... to...)

Extra skills:

additional education (courses);

knowledge of languages (native, foreign);

computer literacy (what programs do you know);

participation in conferences and seminars, etc.

Skills and abilities acquired during the study:

The main character traits that you value in yourself. Awards, certificates, titles

For contact: home address and phone number

Date and signature.

The autobiography begins with the words “I, last name, first name, patronymic,...”. Further information about yourself is presented in free form, but several requirements should be taken into account:

the autobiography should be laconic, but at the same time detailed, reflecting the main events of our life;
it is important that the information provided in the autobiography helps you present your life in the most favorable light, without distorting real facts and events;
when describing specific events in your life, do not forget to indicate your attitude towards them and, more importantly, the analytical conclusions that were made after this event;
The text of the autobiography and its design should be as easy to read as possible. Records are made (printed) on high-quality paper, in large print or legible handwriting;
the autobiography must be signed and dated. If it takes up several sheets, then each sheet is signed.

Instructions for students

This biography is considered as a portfolio document, so when answering questions, use common sentences rather than monosyllabic sentences, so that the end result is an extended overview of the autobiography. Autobiography writing plan:

Full Name
Born day, month, year, place of birth
Education (class)
Information about parents, family (who are the parents, how many children are in the family...)
Preschool childhood
What were your hobbies in preschool age, did you go to kindergarten?
Favorite toys
Children's dreams, desires
School life
First impression of the school
The most striking event associated with the school
Who did I want to be at 7-9 years old and why
The best event in my life (describe the event, impressions)
My first award (what award and for what, impressions)
Useful advice (conclusions) obtained as a result of life experience
A person who had a great influence on me
The turning point in my life (short description)
Relationships with parents in childhood and now
Relationships with friends, peers and other people.

Profile training.

Man, be guided by your own goals!

Alexander Biryukov

The problem with the modern man is that he does not know how to live by his own interests. He doesn’t even know what kind of interests these are – his own. From childhood until old age, those around him ram his brain with demands to meet their expectations. A man should live in the interests of his grandmother, mother, teacher Marivanna, neighbor Lena, girlfriend Natasha, friend Petya, colleague Sergei, even the neighbor’s cat Murzik, but not his own. Society claims that a man does not and cannot have his own interests. This is a consumable product, something between motor oil and printer paper. I'm not advocating being selfish. But...

You went out into the yard with a new toy and want to play with it to your heart’s content, but the girl Marina snatches it out of your hands? Don't you dare resist, she's a girl!!! She is small, weak and so cute, and you are a worthless boy! Never forget this! Her interests take precedence over yours.

You play the guitar great and created a school band that looks good not only at the school disco. But your mom always dreamed of a lawyer son. Even when there was no trace of you, she dreamed of seeing her son with his lawyer daddy. You are a grateful son and don’t want to step on the throat of your mother’s song, do you? What? Don't you have the ability to work as a lawyer? Don’t you dare even think about it, mommy knows best what’s good for her son. Your tenth grade begins at a school that prepares you for admission to law school.

You have a penchant for physics, you design model airplanes that fly well, but your mother dreamed of a son who was a doctor. A man in a white coat is so beautiful, lyrical and romantic, and most importantly - respectable! With a hairstyle like this, a pen from his pocket, a serious look... ah! “What are you complaining about?” A dream, not a son. Your documents were taken from Baumanka and submitted to the medical center. Your number sixteen, you exist to fulfill the dreams of your beloved mother. She gave you life, and now she can do whatever she wants with you.

Remember that from the age of 20-22 you are required to live alone. Separate from parents, brothers, sisters and other relatives. Renting an apartment as a couple with a friend is only permissible as a student, and even then it’s not comme il faut. Are you saying that living with your sister you spend much less time on everyday life and less money on rent? Are you saying that this time can be spent on your tasks, and the money can be put to work and generate income? All clear with you. You are a loser, a beggar and a loser. And all your arguments are ridiculous excuses.

Don’t forget that from the age of 20-22 you should have your own car. What you said? You have a five-minute walk to work, but you don’t go anywhere else, and you don’t need it? This is not a reason to break the rules! Remember - a man without a car is a ! What other Daewoo Matiz? I'm sorry, what? Are you saying that you can get to the store with it just as well as with a behi? But, but, don’t make things up here! You can rent a bed from an alcoholic grandmother 50 kilometers from the city limits, eat homeless packages and save on toilet paper, but you have to bring your food in a cool car! Cool chicks don't drive Matiz cars. Not their style. Not their center of gravity. Eh, friend, what did you just say? That with two million you can open a small business or make a down payment on a mortgage? You speak, but don’t talk! Tachila, brother. Tachila. You are now the Lord of the Rings. That's it, screw it.

You can also tell me that the metro is much faster, and you won’t get stuck in a traffic jam for two hours. I'll laugh. The poor man's excuses. Which... well, you understand.

The same rule applies to: watches, mobile phones, belts, laptops, etc., etc. Even if device A performs the same functions as device B, but device B has a higher status, you must buy B. Otherwise, you are a loser, a beggar and a loser. No one is interested in your arguments about rationality and functionality. Remember: you are not making money for yourself. You earn it for people. Complete strangers whose expectations you must meet.

At work, at home, do neighbors and friends pin their problems on you and force you to solve them? So decide, otherwise why are you smoking the sky? What? Are you saying it keeps you from doing your own thing? What kind of business can you actually have? You were created only to serve others. You must be convenient and easy to use.

A man must SEEK a woman. It’s not just not to avoid, to be interested and look closely, but to search. Persistently. Walk the streets with the butterfly detector turned on and listen to its signals. You are obliged to attend a) parties, b) clubs, c) registrations, d) other places where sober and not so sober people gather. All with the goal of picking up a chick (so that later she can fill the space of your cool tachila). No one cares that you can spend this time on self-development, a hobby, a career, or realizing an old dream. You can't have any dreams other than chica. And tachili with her inside. And you must persistently look for it.

Found? Great. . Yes, yes, you heard right. Every self-respecting man is obliged to invite every woman passing by him to a restaurant. And that one. And that one, at the bus stop. And this one, which... Don't you like stuffy rooms with a lot of people? Do you want to take a walk on neutral territory to get to know the person? You don’t want to be a sponsor, do you want to be loved for your personal qualities, and not for money? Don't want to gather mercantile people? Everything is clear with you. You are a loser, a beggar and a loser. You are not making money for yourself. You earn money for women, but no one is interested in your interests. I don't apologize for the pun. Did not deserve.

You are interested in a certain Masha-Dasha. No, you didn’t fall in love with her, you just realized that this person was worth taking a closer look at. Now, she has to be capricious, wobble, dynamite you and wipe her feet on you. And you are a man! You must throw yourself at the embrasures over and over again, trying to break the reinforced concrete with your forehead. You must beg, beg, humiliate yourself. You are a man! It's your job to achieve. She is a woman, her job is to be capricious. Don't forget: tachila, restaurant. Restaurant, tachila (I’ll repeat it again). But this is not enough. To prove your love, you must add to this set a) jewelry, b) a cruise, c) expensive rags. And don’t even think about demanding reciprocity! She's not your prostitute, you didn't buy her! She is a Free Strong Woman. Personality. But you don’t. You are a servant.

You say it’s stupid to waste time and money on a person who doesn’t make counter steps, but only breaks down and is capricious? Are you saying you don't want a woman who sells you sex for money? Are you saying that it is better to invest all these resources not in an unfamiliar person, but in yourself? Spend time on self-development, and make money work and generate income? You are a loser, a beggar and a loser. And you are also not a man. Men have no interests of their own. Haven't you realized this yet?

If you think that the above is all that you are obliged to do, you are deeply mistaken. You have another resource to which you have no right. Time. You must be on duty at the first call like a sentry. And even without a call - a real man, without words, guesses the desires of his baby. Whether it’s night or day, whether you’re working or lying in a fever, you must: a) entertain, calm, chat, make them laugh, b) show up and eliminate any difficulties, be it a traffic accident, a burnt-out light bulb, a computer virus or fleas on a cat. Friends' cats. Or rather, her boyfriend's cat. Yes, you owe it to your friend's boyfriend too. If you hear “I’m bored” on the phone, then you must interrupt the negotiations, close the office, run away from the operating table, stop the rocket launch. And rush like a fly to your baby. Otherwise he didn't pay attention to me. He paid no attention to me. What a scoundrel! A loser, a beggar and a loser...

Unspeakable, unheard of luck smiled at you, and Masha-Dasha, after just a year of your efforts, opened the gates of heaven to you. You won her! Anthem, fanfares, timpani and timapans! Horus is bursting with voices praising your victory! Celebrated? Well done. Don’t forget that no one removed all previous duties from you. You are still obligated to make abundant sacrifices at the mashidashi altar. Otherwise, the goddess will turn away from you. But now you must legitimize your relationship. Yes, just like that right away. Why wait? A week is enough. Eh, what’s it like to take a closer look and get used to it? How does it feel to test each other in sorrow and in joy? Nothing like this. We are obliged to put the state into bed. Right in the middle of the bed, exactly between us. Or are you, serf, not happy that Mashadasha deigned? Just like a fly for your passport and get registered! Otherwise, what will the neighbors say, huh?! Have you forgotten that your duty is to report to every passerby?

Do you have money and want to save it so that you can later receive income from investments or start a business? Do not even think about it. You must spend it on clubs, women and unnecessary expensive trinkets. Have you got a lot of money and have you decided to open your own business or buy a bigger apartment? Don't talk nonsense. You have to buy them a cool car to drive the chicks around. Do you work and do you have enough? Get a second (third) job to please your pussy and buy even more gadgets you don’t need. Do you have free time and have you decided to get a second education, write a dissertation, a novel, or discover a cure for cancer? Do not even dream. You must find a woman and spend all your free time conquering her. Do you have the opportunity not to work, and have you finally decided to do what you dreamed of - a trip to the North Pole? Forget. You must a) get three jobs, b) find a woman, c) throw all your dreams into the trash. And do it as early as possible so as not to make others wait until you begin to meet their expectations.

……….

If I were to begin to describe everything that others demand from a man, and demand to the detriment of the man himself, then I would need two or three human lives. So I'll stop there. Need I say that all this is only an insignificant part of what strangers expect from you? I'm not advocating being selfish. But when they try to turn you into a doormat, you should finally say no. I do not encourage you to hoard. But every sane person should distinguish his own desires from the manipulations of others. You have two options: live by other people’s commands, whistles and scoldings, or be guided by your own goals and interests. The choice is yours.

Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina Chapter from the book “Emotional Intelligence. Russian practice"
Publishing house "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber"

Is it worth putting a lot of effort and energy into managing the emotional state of employees? Let's get a look. Unfortunately, no research has yet been conducted on the connection between emotional intelligence and the income of organizations in Russia. Similar Western studies, by the way, demonstrate such a connection.

Draw your own conclusions...

If it is important for us to manage the emotional state of other people in personal relationships, what could be the purpose? It may be more difficult to formulate it in this case. Why do I now want my partner to stop being annoyed and become calm? Mostly to make me feel better. What if, for some reason, it is now important for a partner to be in such an angry state? And don’t convince yourself that you will calm him down “for his own good.” Remember: people will not respond to your intentions, but to your actions.

From a systems thinking perspective, when formulating goals for managing the emotions of others, it is worth looking for goals that benefit the entire system in the long term. That is, it is worth asking yourself the question: “Will our entire organization benefit if I do this now? Will our family win? Will this be good for our marriage?

Does everything really have to be so pedantic and tedious: think through the goals, think about winning the system... Who does that?

Indeed, few people do this, which is why there are so many stories about “they wanted the best, but it turned out as always.” If in the previous three skills we mainly dealt with ourselves, then in this chapter we will talk about how you can manage the condition of others. And this is a big responsibility. Emotional impacts can have a very serious and long-lasting effect, and can seriously impact relationships and/or the performance of an entire company. That is why there is no need to rush anywhere, but it is worth thinking about what results I want to get by influencing my environment.

Exercise
“Why do I want to control the emotions of others?”

Think about and remember situations in which you would like to influence the emotional state of another person (other people). Perhaps now, at the beginning of the chapter, it will still be difficult for you to complete the exercise completely - then return to it again when you finish reading the chapter to the end.

1. Formulate the impact outcome you would like to achieve.

____________________________________________

____________________________________________

2. Now write down what action you want to take.

____________________________________________

____________________________________________

____________________________________________

Re-read the result you formulated at the beginning. Will the actions you are planning help achieve this result? Are you sure about this? What other actions are there that could help achieve the same result (perhaps you are missing some other possible courses of action)?

Answer yourself these questions:

What are the possible consequences of these actions for you?

For another person(s)?

For your system (department, organization, couple) as a whole?

Have you considered the possible long-term consequences?

Algorithm for managing the emotions of others

Recognize and understand your emotions.
Recognize and understand your partner's emotions.
Determine a goal that takes into account both my interests and the interests of my partner.
Think about what emotional state of both of us will help us interact more effectively.
Take action to put yourself in the right emotional state.
Take action to help your partner get into the right emotional state.

The principle of civilized influence (emotion management and manipulation)

By influencing emotions, we can greatly influence another person. Moreover, almost all types of influence (both honest and not so honest) are built on managing emotions. Threats, or “psychological pressure” (“Either you agree to my terms, or I will work with another company”) is an attempt to cause fear in another; question: “Are you a man or not?” - intended to cause irritation; tempting offers (“Let's have one more?” or “Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?”) - a call of joy and slight excitement. Since emotions are the motivators of our behavior, in order to cause a certain behavior, it is necessary to change the emotional state of another.

This can be done in completely different ways. You can blackmail, issue ultimatums, threaten with fines and punishments, show a Kalashnikov assault rifle, remind about your connections in government structures, etc. Such types of influence are considered so-called barbaric, that is, violating modern ethical norms and values of society. Barbaric practices include those that are considered “dishonest” or “ugly” by society. In this book, we consider those methods of managing the emotions of others that belong to the “honest” or civilized types of influence. That is, they take into account not only my goals, but also the goals of my communication partner.

And here we are immediately faced with a question that we often hear in trainings: is managing the emotions of others manipulation or not? Is it possible to “manipulate” another through their emotional state in order to achieve your goals? And how to do this? Indeed, very often managing the emotions of other people is associated with manipulation. At various trainings you can often hear the request: “Teach us how to manipulate.”

Indeed, manipulation is one of the most powerful ways to control the emotions of others. At the same time, oddly enough, it is far from the most effective. Why? Let's remember: efficiency is the ratio of results to costs, and both results and costs in this case can be related to actions and emotions.

What is manipulation? This is a type of hidden psychological influence when the goal of the manipulator is unknown.

Thus, firstly, manipulation does not guarantee the desired result. Despite the existing idea of manipulation as a great way to get anything from anyone without paying anything, very rare people know how to consciously manipulate in such a way as to get the desired action from a person. Since the manipulator’s goal is hidden and he does not directly name it, the person being manipulated, under the influence of manipulation, can do something completely different from what was expected of him. After all, everyone’s picture of the world is different. The manipulator builds manipulation based on his picture of the world: “I will do A - and then he will do B.” And the one who is being manipulated acts based on his picture of the world. And it’s not B or C that does it, but even Z. Because in his picture of the world this is the most logical thing that can be done in this situation.

You need to know the other person and his thoughts very well in order to plan a manipulation, and even then the result is not guaranteed.

The second aspect is emotional. Manipulation is carried out through changing the emotional state. The manipulator’s task is to evoke an unconscious emotion in you, thus lowering your level of logic and getting you to take the desired action while you are not thinking very well. However, even if he succeeds, after some time the emotional state will stabilize, you will again begin to think logically and at that very moment you will begin to ask the question “What was that?” It seems like nothing special happened, I talked to an intelligent adult... but I got the feeling that “something is wrong.” As in the joke, “the spoons were found - the sediment remained.” In the same way, any manipulation leaves behind a “sediment.” People who are well acquainted with the concept of “manipulation” can immediately determine that such a psychological impact took place.

In a sense, it will be easier for them, since at least they will clearly understand for themselves what happened. People who are not familiar with this concept will continue to walk around with a vague, but very unpleasant feeling that “something wrong has happened, and what is not clear.” What kind of person will they associate this unpleasant feeling with? With someone who manipulated and left such a “trace” behind. If this happened once, most likely, the price will be limited to what the manipulator receives from his object in “change” (most often unconsciously).

Remember, unconscious emotions will always break through to their source? The same is the case with manipulation. The manipulator will pay for the “sediment” in one way or another: for example, he will hear some unexpected nasty things addressed to him or become the object of an offensive joke. If he manipulates regularly, then soon other people will gradually begin to avoid this person. A manipulator has very few people who are willing to maintain close relationships with him: no one wants to constantly be an object of manipulation and walk around with the unpleasant feeling that “something is wrong with this person.”

Thus, manipulation in most cases is an ineffective type of behavior because: a) it does not guarantee results; b) leaves behind an unpleasant “aftertaste” for the object of manipulation and leads to a deterioration in relationships. From this point of view, manipulating other people to achieve your goals hardly makes sense.

However, in some situations manipulations may well be used. Firstly, these are those manipulations that in some sources are usually called “positive” - that is, this is a type of psychological influence when the goal of the manipulator is still hidden, but he acts not in his own interests, but in the interests of who he is at the moment manipulates. For example, such manipulations can be used by doctors, psychotherapists or friends. Sometimes, when direct and open communication does not help achieve the necessary goals in the interests of another person, such influence can be used. At the same time - attention! - are you sure that you are actually acting in the interests of another person? That what he will do as a result of your influence will actually benefit him? Remember, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions...”.

Example of positive manipulation

One of the characters complains to another: “But this question is “why.” When I tell her: “Come to my place,” and she: “Why?” What should I say? After all, I don’t have a bowling alley at home! Not a cinema! What should I tell her? “Come to my place, we’ll make love once or twice, it’ll definitely be good for me, maybe for you... and then, of course, you can stay, but it’s better if you leave.” After all, if I say so, she definitely won’t go. Although he understands perfectly well that this is exactly why we are going. And I tell her: “Come to my house, I have a wonderful collection of lute music from the 16th century at home.” And this answer completely suits her!”
To which he receives a completely fair question from another character: “No, well, would you like sleeping with a woman to be as easy as... well, I don’t know... shooting a cigarette?..” - “No. I wouldn't want to..."

Not in all cases an open and calm behavior that includes an honest statement of one's goals will be most effective. Or at least be pleasant for both sides of the communication. Managing people also involves a huge amount of manipulation. This is largely due to the fact that the leader for his subordinates is associated with dad or mom, and a lot of child-parent aspects of interaction, including manipulation, are included. Most of these processes occur at an unconscious level, and as long as they do not interfere with work efficiency, you can continue to interact at the same level. Therefore, it is important for a manager to be able to counter manipulation by subordinates. But learning to manipulate is not worth it. We all know how to do this very well, but most often it happens unconsciously.

Since, when controlling the emotions of others, we do not always state our goal (“Now I will calm you down”), in a sense, of course, we can say that this is manipulation. However, in many situations of managing the emotions of others, one's goal can be directly disclosed (“I'm here to reduce your anxiety about upcoming changes” or “I want to help you feel better”); In addition, focusing on the principle of civilized influence, we act not only in our own interests, but also in the interests of others.

The following principle tells us this.

The principle of accepting other people's emotions

The very recognition of another person’s right to emotions makes it possible to abstract from them and work with what lies behind the emotions. Understanding that an emotion is a reaction to YOUR action or inaction makes it possible to manage any situation while maintaining a constructive dialogue.
Dmitry Timergaliev, chief expert in the direction of “Leadership and Culture” of ZAO SIBUR-Khimprom

Just like with our emotions, in order to effectively manage other people's emotions, it is important for us to accept the other person's emotions. Agree, it will be quite difficult to remain calm and help someone else calm down when he is yelling at you if you are firmly convinced that “you should never yell at me.” To make it easier for you to accept another person's emotional state, it makes sense to remember two simple ideas:

1. If another person behaves “inappropriately” (yelling, screaming, crying), this means that he is now very bad.

How do you think a person who acts “very emotional” feels? For example, yelling? This is a rare case when we are asking not about a specific emotion, but about a choice from the categories “good” or “bad.”

Skeptical training participant: Yes, he feels great!

Indeed, it often seems to us that there are people in the world who get pleasure when they yell (this, by the way, greatly prevents us from interacting constructively with aggressive individuals). Let's think about it. Remember yourself, those situations when you exploded, shouted at the people around you, said hurtful words to someone. Did you have a good time? Most likely no. So why should another person feel good?

And even if we assume that a person gets pleasure from shouting and humiliating others, is he generally good, as they say, “in life”? Hardly. Happy people, completely satisfied with themselves, do not take it out on others.

Especially if he does not scream, but cries. Then it is obvious that he does not feel very well.

The key idea that very often helps to interact with a person who is in a strong emotional state is to realize and accept the fact that he is feeling bad. He's poor. It's difficult for him. Even if outwardly he looks intimidating.

And since it’s difficult and hard for him, it’s worth sympathizing with him. If you manage to sincerely sympathize with the aggressor, then the fear goes away. It is difficult to be afraid of a poor and unhappy person.

2. Intention and action are two different things. Just because a person hurts you with their behavior doesn't mean they really want it. We have already discussed this idea in detail in the chapter on awareness of the emotions of others. And yet now it would be useful to remind her. It is much more difficult to perceive someone else's emotional state if we suspect the other person of “purposely” making me angry.

Exercise
"Accepting the emotions of others"

To learn to accept the expressions of others' emotions, explore what emotions you refuse to show to other people. To do this, continue with the following sentences (referring to other people's expressions of emotion):

You should never show... ____________________________

You can’t allow yourself... _____________________________________________

It's outrageous when... _____________________________________________

Indecent... ___________________________________________________

It pisses me off when other people... ________________________________

Look what you got. Most likely, those emotions that you do not allow others to show, you do not really allow yourself. Perhaps we should look for socially acceptable ways to express these emotions?

For example, if you are very annoyed when another person raises his voice, most likely you yourself do not allow yourself to use this method of influence and devote a lot of effort to speaking calmly even under strong emotional stress. No wonder you are annoyed by people who allow themselves to act this way. Think about it, maybe there will be situations when you can consciously raise your voice a little, “bark at them.” When we allow ourselves to engage in behavior, it usually does not irritate us in other people either.

Skeptical training participant: So you're suggesting that I now yell at everyone and cackle like an idiot at every joke?

Our suggestion to look for opportunities for socially acceptable expression of emotions in some situations does not mean that you now need to throw away all control and begin to behave inappropriately. It's worth looking for situations in which you can experiment with expressing emotions in a fairly safe environment.

In relation to other people, it is worth reformulating your irrational attitudes by adding permission to express emotions into these statements and rewriting them, for example: “I don’t like it when other people raise their voices at me, and at the same time I understand that sometimes other people can lose control over yourself." Such reformulations will help you feel more calm when the person next to you shows his emotions quite violently, which means it will be easier for you to manage his condition.

Common mistakes when managing the emotions of others

1. Underestimating the significance of an emotion, trying to convince that the problem is not worth such emotions.

Typical phrases: “Come on, why be upset, all this is nonsense”, “In a year you won’t even remember about this”, “Yes, compared to Masha, everything is in chocolate, why are you whining?”, “Stop it, he it’s not worth it”, “I’d like your problems”, etc.

What reaction does this assessment of the situation by another person cause? Irritation and resentment, the feeling that “they don’t understand me” (very often this is the answer: “You don’t understand anything!”). Does such argumentation help reduce a partner’s emotional stress? No no and one more time no! When a person experiences strong emotions, no argumentation works (because he has no logic at the moment). Even if, in your opinion, the difficulties of your interlocutor objectively cannot be compared with Masha’s torment, now he is not able to understand this.

“I don’t care about any Mash. Because I feel bad now! And no one in the world has ever felt as bad as I do now! Therefore, any attempts to downplay the significance of my problem will cause me the strongest resistance. Maybe later, when I come to my senses, I will agree that the problem was nonsense... But this will be later, when the ability to think sensibly returns to me. I don’t have it yet.”

2. An attempt to force a person to immediately stop experiencing an emotion (as an option, immediately give advice and offer a solution to the problem).

Typical phrases: “Well, stop being sour!”, “Let’s go and have fun?”, “I should go somewhere, or something!”, “What is there to be afraid of?”, “Come on, stop being nervous, it will only hinder you,” “What are you so angry? Please speak calmly,” etc. When a person next to us feels “bad” (he is sad or very worried), what emotion do we experience?

We can be upset and angry if someone has offended a loved one, but the most primary emotion is fear.

“What will happen to him next? How long will this bad mood last? What does all this mean for me? Or maybe I myself am to blame for his bad mood? Maybe his attitude towards me has changed? Maybe it’s something he doesn’t like about me?” What if a person experiences strong emotions? For example, he screams very loudly or cries bitterly. How does the one who is next to him feel?

Again, fear, sometimes even reaching panic horror. “What should I do about this? Horrible! How long will this be with him? I don't know what to do in such situations. I can't control this situation! What if things get worse next?..”

It is not so important what the reason for this fear is: most of us are afraid of the manifestation of other people's emotions. And a person strives to get rid of fear as quickly as possible.

How to get rid of this fear? Remove the source of fear, that is, those very alien emotions. How to do this?

The first thing that unconsciously comes to mind is “let him stop doing this, then I will stop being afraid.” And we begin, in one form or another, to call on a person to “calm down” and become “joyful” or “calm.” Which for some reason doesn't help. Why? Even if the other person understands that he really should do something about his emotional state (which is quite rare), he is not aware of his emotions and cannot figure out how to manage them, since he lacks logic.

What he needs most now is to be accepted with all his emotions. If we try to quickly calm him down, the person understands that he is “stressing” us with his condition and seeks to suppress it. If this happens often, in the future the person will generally prefer to hide any of his “negative” emotions from us. And then we are surprised: “Why don’t you tell me anything?..” Another idea is to immediately solve his problem, then he will stop experiencing the emotion that bothers me so much. My logic works, now I’ll solve everything for him! But for some reason the other person doesn’t want to take my recommendations into account. At the very least, he cannot understand my brilliant ideas for the same reason - there is no logic. He can't solve the problem now. The most important thing for him now is his emotional state.

3. For a person who has had something happen, it is first of all important to speak out and get support.

After this, perhaps, with your help, he will become aware of his emotions, use some method of managing them... he will feel better, and he will find a solution to the problem. But that's all later. First, it is important for him to gain your understanding.

Quadrant of Managing the Emotions of Others

Just as we grouped methods for managing your emotions, this section systematizes methods for managing the emotions of others. We can distinguish methods that work to reduce emotions that are inadequate to the situation (conditionally negative), and methods that allow one to induce or enhance the desired emotional state (conditionally positive). Some of them can be applied directly during the situation (online methods), and some relate to strategic methods of working with the background of mood and psychological climate (offline methods).

If, when managing their emotions, people are often interested in reducing negative emotions, then when it comes to managing the emotions of others, the need to evoke and strengthen the desired emotional state comes to the fore - after all, it is through this that leadership is exercised (no matter at work or in a circle of friends). If you look at the right column, you will see in it rather possible management influences to influence the emotional climate in the team. However, if you want to improve your emotional background not at work, but at home, we think it won’t be too difficult for you to transfer the method from work situations to home ones.

For example, you can form a team from your own family, and not just from employees.

“Putting out the fire” - quick methods for reducing someone else’s emotional stress

If we can help another become aware of their emotional state, their level of logic will begin to return to normal and their stress level will begin to decrease. At the same time, it is important not to point out to the other that he is in a strong emotional state (this may be perceived as an accusation), but rather to remind him that there are emotions. To do this, you can use any verbal methods of understanding the emotions of others from the third chapter. Questions like “How are you feeling now?” or empathic statements (“You seem a little angry right now”) can be used not only to become aware of the emotions of others, but also to manage them.

Our empathy and recognition of another's emotions, expressed in the phrases: “Oooh, that must have been really hurtful” or “You're still angry at him, right?” - make someone else feel better. Much better than if we give “smart” advice. Such statements give a person the feeling that he is understood - and in a situation of strong emotions, this is perhaps the most important thing.

It is especially important to learn to recognize the emotions of others in this way in business communication. If a client or partner complains to us about a problem, we frantically begin to think about how to solve it. This, of course, is also important. Although at first it is better to say something like: “This is a very unpleasant situation,” “You must be very worried about what happened,” or “This would irritate anyone.” An upset or frightened client will almost never hear such words from anyone. But in vain. Because such statements, among other things, also provide an opportunity to demonstrate to the client that for us he is a person, and not someone impersonal. When we as clients demand “human touch,” we want our emotions to be acknowledged.

Using express methods for managing emotions

If the other person's level of trust in you is high enough and he is in a state where he is ready to listen to your recommendations, you can try with him the methods of managing emotions from chapter four. This can only work if you are not the cause of his emotional state! It is clear that if he is angry with you, and you offer him to breathe, he is unlikely to follow your recommendation. However, if he is angry with someone else, and he rushes to tell you how it happened, you can use the techniques you know. It is better to do them together, for example, take a deep breath and exhale slowly together. In this way, we engage the mirror neurons of the other, and there is a high probability that he will do what we show him. If you simply say: “Breathe,” a person will most often automatically answer: “Yeah,” and continue his story.

If there is no way to tell him about this (for example, you are giving a presentation together and you see that your partner has started talking very quickly out of excitement), then focus on your own breathing and start breathing slower... even slower... Unconsciously your partner (if you are close enough from him) will begin to do the same. Verified. Mirror neurons work.

Techniques for managing other people's situational emotions

Anger management

If there are too many people chasing you,
Ask them in detail why they are upset,
Try to console everyone, give everyone advice,
But there is absolutely no point in reducing the speed.
Grigory Oster, "Bad advice"

Aggression is a very energy-intensive emotion; it is not for nothing that after its outburst people often feel empty. Without receiving external recharge, aggression dies out very quickly, just as a fire cannot burn if there is no wood left. Nothing like that, would you say? This is because people, without noticing it themselves, periodically add firewood to the firebox. One careless phrase, one extra movement - and the fire happily flares up with fresh strength, having received new food. All our actions in managing someone else’s aggression can be divided into such “poles” that kindle the fire of emotions, and “ladles of water” that extinguish it.

Please note what “ladles” are. These are techniques that work if you really want to reduce the level of someone else's aggression. There are situations when, faced with someone else’s aggression, people want something else: to hurt an interaction partner, to “revenge something”; prove yourself “strong” (read “aggressive”); and finally, just scandalize for your own pleasure. Then, please, for your attention - the list from the left column. One of our friends was going through a period of unpleasant dismissal from the company. In one of her last conversations with the head of the HR department, she persistently reminded him what rights she had under the law. The boss snapped: “Don’t be smart!” After some time, he answered one of her questions: “Don’t be stupid!” Then, with an emphatically polite intonation and a sweet smile, she sang back to him: “Do I understand you correctly, are you suggesting that I should not be smart and stupid at the same time?..”

Which made the boss go completely berserk.

Here, as in most other cases of managing emotions, the principle of goal setting comes into force. What do I want in this situation? What price will I pay for this? It is not always necessary to reduce the intensity of someone else’s anger: each of us has probably encountered situations when there is only one correct way to react to frank and undisguised aggression - to show similar aggression in response.

In this section, we are referring to situations where you are interested in maintaining a good relationship with an interaction partner: this could be a loved one, a client, a business partner, or a manager. Then it is important for you to put your interaction on a constructive track. This is what the “ladles” contribute to, each of which we will now consider separately. We will not consider “Poleshki” in detail: we believe that each of the readers understands and is familiar with what we are talking about.

“Do you want to talk about this?”, or the “ZMK” Technique

The main, basic and greatest technique for managing other people's negative emotions is to let them speak out. What does it mean to “let someone talk”? This means that at the moment when you decided that the person had already told you everything he could... he spoke at best by a third.

Therefore, in a situation where another person is experiencing a strong emotion (not necessarily aggression, it can also be violent joy), use the ZMK technique, which means: “Shut up - Be silent - Nod.” Why do we use such a rather harsh wording - “Shut up”? The fact is that for most people, even in a normal situation, it is difficult to silently listen to everything that another person wanted to tell us. At least just to listen - not to hear. And in a situation where another person not only expresses his thought, but expresses it emotionally (or very emotionally), almost no one manages to listen to him calmly. People are usually afraid of violent manifestations of emotions on the part of others and try in every way to calm them down or at least partially restrain the manifestation of emotions. And most often this manifests itself in interrupting the other person. In a situation of aggression, this is further aggravated by the fact that the person at whom the irritation is directed experiences quite strong fear. This is normal and natural for anyone, especially if the aggression turned out to be sudden and unexpected (the partner did not gradually boil over, but, for example, immediately flew into the room already enraged). This fear forces you to defend yourself, that is, immediately begin to make excuses or explain why the accuser is wrong.

Naturally, we begin to interrupt the other. It seems to us that now I will quickly explain why I am not guilty, and he will stop yelling at me.

At the same time, imagine a person who is very excited and who, in addition, is interrupted. That's why we use the word "Shut up", that is, make an effort - sometimes a lot of effort - but let him say whatever he wants.

Skeptical training participant: If I listen to him and remain silent, then he will scream until the morning!

Yes, it often seems to us that if we shut up and let a person talk and talk, this process will continue endlessly. Especially if he is very angry. In this case, the opposite happens: a person physically cannot yell for a long time (unless someone from the outside feeds him with energy for aggression through his actions). If you let him speak freely and at the same time listen sympathetically, then after a few minutes he will become exhausted and begin to talk in a calm tone.

Check it out. You just need to be silent a little.

So, the most important thing in technology is contained in the first word. But the last thing is also important - “Nod” (there is also a variant of the ZMKU technique, namely: “Shut up - Be silent - Nod and “Ugh””). We still sometimes freeze out of fear, like rabbits in front of a boa constrictor. We look at the aggressor with an unblinking gaze and do not move. Then he doesn’t understand whether we are even listening to him or not. Therefore, it is important not just to remain silent, but to actively show that we are also listening very, very carefully.

Use techniques to verbalize feelings

When a person is faced with the aggression of another, he, for obvious reasons, wants him to stop showing hostility and begin to speak more quietly and calmly. And since the most important thing for homo sapiens is words and logic, it would seem completely logical to invite the other person to “calm down.” Does it help achieve the goal?

Unfortunately no. And even more than that - if anyone has ever told you to “calm down”, you remember how infuriating this recommendation causes. “Yes, I’m calm!!!” - the person usually growls in response with increased rage.

Why do you think this expression has the effect it does?

But it contains a hidden, but quite obvious accusation: “You are now in emotions, you are inadequate, you are hysterical.” And although the form of the recommendation to calm down is expressed politely and logically, in essence it is an “attack” on someone who is already angry. Which, naturally, only causes him to intensify his emotions even more.

At the same time, if we manage to remind a person “in emotions” that there are emotions, perhaps he will be able to realize that he is not behaving very adequately now. It is only important to do this correctly, using all kinds of words that indicate your doubt about someone else’s emotional state: “maybe”, “probably”, “it seemed to me just for a minute”, etc. (above we called the use of such words “depreciation” , or "rest in peace").

“It seems to me that you are dissatisfied with something in our interaction now and, perhaps, even a little annoyed. I may be wrong, but could you please tell me how close to the truth this is?”

This, of course, is an exaggerated example, and yet: in an emotionally tense situation there can never be too much fluff! You can carefully communicate your emotional state to the other person using an “I message”, for example: “You know, when you talk to me in a rather loud voice and with a not very happy expression on your face, I get a little scared. Please, could you speak a little more quietly?..”

When using the I Message, it is very important to remember the purpose for which you are doing it. Some people familiar with this technology may very proudly say: “I’m already angry at you!” - naively believing that they are using the “I-message” technique. In fact, this is the real “You-message” (“You piss me off”), simply expressed in a different verbal formulation. Because the purpose of such a statement is to hurt the other, to put him in his place, to make him understand that he is behaving “wrong”... Anything, but not “to create a general emotionally comfortable background for interaction” (which is actually the true goal "I-messages"). The “I message” always indicates the connection between the specific actions of another person and my emotional state: “When you ... I feel ...” - and is expressed in a calm, emotionally neutral tone. Then it reaches its goal, and that person hears you.

Keep non-verbal communication under control: speak with a calm intonation and gestures

In a situation where someone quite sharply expresses their dissatisfaction with something, it is usually very difficult to maintain a calm and even intonation. We either get scared and then speak faster and more confusingly, or we also get irritated and involuntarily raise our voice in response. In difficult communication situations, it makes sense to learn to maintain fairly even intonation and maintain an open posture. Skeptical training participant: I don’t believe in all these open-closed poses!

You may not believe it. It’s better to take an open pose. How many times have we been convinced both during trainings and while observing conflict situations somewhere in public places: if a person closes himself, thereby protecting himself from manifestations of hostility of another, the other person’s pressure intensifies. If you want to check for yourself, the next time they start yelling at you, take a closed position. You'll see for yourself.

As for the “even” intonation. Here it is very important to maintain an even intonation, but friendly and sympathetic. “Even” - in the sense that you do not raise your voice in response to aggression. This in no way means that you should pretend to be a robot and speak emphatically calmly, as if hinting to the attacker: “You are being rude and hysterical here, but I can control myself. I speak culturally.” Remember that the one who is screaming is feeling bad now - and sympathize, and sympathize again. Don't demonstrate your intellectual and emotional superiority.

Never say no to a terrorist!

Father, but he will die!
- Yes, his fate is unfortunate...
From the movie "Pirates of the Caribbean"

Most often, when another person is dissatisfied with something, he makes some complaints to us personally. It is not a fact that these claims are fair, justified or have anything to do with us at all. But the aggressor has already expressed his accusation, which means we need to react somehow.

What is the first word you want to say if we are accused of something?

No!.. It's not true!.. It's not me!.. It's not true!..

If you notice, our answers to the skeptical participant's questions most often begin with the word “yes.” And we most often answer in the same way during trainings.

It is also recommended to start with the word “yes” when dealing with client objections. And if you pay attention to how Vladimir Putin answers questions from journalists at his press conferences, you will notice that in his texts the words “no” and “but” are practically absent (unless he uses them consciously).

Even if the statement that was made in a conflict situation is completely true, we often resist it due to the very emotional background of the interaction:

You actually came in jeans.

What do you have against jeans? I suppose he didn’t come in a suit either!

And away we go... But one could simply agree: “Yes, I’m wearing jeans.” Moreover, this is an obvious fact. And the other side would have nothing more to say. The topic is exhausted. Since none of us is perfect, from a logical point of view, we can respond to almost any criticism with some kind of partial agreement:

You are unprofessional.

Yes, my professionalism can be improved.

You have little experience in this area.

Yes, there are people who work in this field more than me.

You are not confident in yourself.

Yes, I don’t feel confident in all situations.

We suggest learning to start any answer with the word “yes”. Then, even in a situation of conflict, you will be able to maintain a more friendly background of interaction.

You can find something to agree with even in the most ridiculous claims and insults. In these cases, we agree not with the statement itself, but with the fact that such an opinion exists in the world. This is a kind of indirect consent.

All women are fools.

Yes, there are people who think so.

You are completely untalented.

Yes, you may get that impression.

What is the nuance of this technique? It's important to find something you can wholeheartedly agree with.

For example, to the phrase “Well, you’re an idiot,” you can answer: “Yes, I’m an idiot,” “Yes, sometimes I do idiotic things,” or “Yes, you might have gotten that impression.” None of these statements are true. If I've just done something terribly stupid, I can agree that I'm an idiot. If, on the contrary, I am sincerely proud of what I did and do not want to agree even partially, then I can say: “Yes, you have the right to think so.” In all other cases, it would be more appropriate to use some kind of partial consent.

And the last aspect of technology. In some sales books you can find the “Yes, but...” technique. Like, first agree with the buyer, and then present him with your counterargument.

Please read the following phrases carefully:

Yes, this is indeed a very important project, But in the next six months we are unlikely to have the opportunity to implement it.

Yes, this is an interesting book, But I don't have time for it now.

Yes, you are right, But I think…

Have you been able to feel how the conjunction “but” works? It is not for nothing that in Russian it is called “adversative”, that is, it contrasts one part of a sentence with another, denies everything that was said before it. And your project is not that important, and your opinion is not interesting to anyone at all. In other words, whether you said “yes” at the beginning, or didn’t say so, it makes no difference, because with the second part of your statement you crossed out everything you said before.

What to do, not talk about counterarguments? You can speak, just use another conjunction, the connecting one - “and”. Then you connect two parts of the statement, and both of them have the right to exist:

Yes, this is indeed a very important project. At the same time, we are unlikely to have the opportunity to implement it in the next six months. Let's return to this conversation in the fall.

Or don’t use any conjunction at all, but simply pause:

Yes, I understand, the book is very interesting. Now I have planned to read another one.

Can you feel the difference between the first set of phrases and the second? It seemed that one word was perceived in a completely different way.

However, there are situations in which the particle “but” can be used:

In the next six months we are unlikely to have the opportunity to implement your project. But it is really very important!

For what purposes is this technique used (it is called “Total Yes»)?

Firstly, it allows you to reduce the emotional stress of your communication partner. When his attack does not meet resistance, and even on the contrary, he hears consent in response, his “organism” calms down. But the logic still doesn't work.

Secondly, when you manage to find something to sincerely and calmly agree with, and your own background remains calm. “It really happens that sometimes I do stupid things. It is a fact". And the attitude towards this as a fact remains neutral.

From the authors

More recently, we realized that it is the coaching habit of first saying “yes” and finding something to agree with, and then presenting our arguments, that allows us to interact effectively. We conduct all our trainings, and most importantly, we prepare them together. During the preparation of a training script, as in any creative process, a lot of contradictions arise between trainers: how to arrange thematic blocks, which exercise is best to use, etc.

And at some point we suddenly noticed that each of the trainers first said something like: “Yes, listen, this exercise really allows you to develop this skill!” - and only after that he adds: “Or maybe it’s better like this?” or “What if we do this here?” The process of writing a new script can take from several hours to several days, and if for every contradiction that arose, the coaches began to object to each other (“No, this is not suitable here at all”), it is unknown whether we would have completed at least one script to the end...

Calmly agree that an unpleasant situation occurred without going into explanation of the reasons and without making promises

The first reaction of a person when they “run into him” or make claims is fear. One of the consequences of this fear is the desire to immediately justify oneself, explain the reasons why the situation developed this way, or quickly promise that very soon, almost tomorrow, or maybe even in a couple of hours, everything will be completely different ( “Of course, of course, tomorrow I’ll bring you everything that’s been redone.”) Even understanding that this physically requires at least a week of time...

The “organism” instantly reacts to excuses, reading them as a manifestation of fear. What do “organisms” do to those who are afraid?

Finishing off...

Therefore, although we often think that an excuse or a promise will improve the situation, in fact it only increases aggression. It’s not for nothing that the phrase “I’ll explain everything to you now” so often looks so funny in various films. In fact, no one is interested in explanations in this situation. It is enough to simply admit the fact of your mistake or wrongness (“Yes, I’m really late,” “Yes, we delayed submitting the report”). And period.

Skeptical training participant: What if it’s really important for him to find out the reason?

How will you know that it is really important for him to know the reason? Even if the question is “why?”, the aggressor may not actually be interested in why the problem happened. For example, most likely he is not at all interested in why exactly you were late (although this is often asked). But why was the delivery of the project delayed? Perhaps there are some nuances that are important to take into account when working on other projects? Then the reason may actually be important. But then your communication partner will find the opportunity to ask you about the reasons again and do it in a different form. Otherwise, he doesn’t need a reason, he has another goal related to the “draining” of emotions, and that’s all. Then you just need to agree, and most likely he will leave you alone.

Recognize the significance of the problem (see typical mistakes when managing the emotions of others)

Maybe you think that a client's or family member's problem is complete nonsense. As they say, I found something to worry about! But remember, this is only in your picture of the world the reason for your worries - this is complete nonsense. You don't know the whole situation, you don't know the other person's circumstances, after all, maybe you're just a hard-hearted person (just kidding).

If in your experience there was an unhappy love at the age of fourteen, then you probably heard from relatives or friends that “at your age this is still not serious” and “yes, you will have a million more such loves.” Then, probably, you remember your firm conviction that there will never be “such people” again, and stupid adults do not understand anything about love. If this experience has passed you by, remember some other disappointment of childhood or youth, when you were convinced that the situation was nonsense and you were worrying in vain.

Whatever you may think about a situation, if a person experiences strong emotions, then it is really important. Say that the situation is very important, very unpleasant, and, of course, if you were this person, you would also experience a whole range of different emotions.

Show sympathy (from the authors)

A few years ago we got stuck in an elevator after midnight. The girl emergency dispatcher said that “they will come to us in 10 minutes.” 10 minutes later we called back again. And then again. Something happened there and the car got stuck somewhere. We ended up waiting about 40 minutes. And every time, although we were talking again quite aggressively, the girl gasped and groaned, apologized and promised that just a little more and the car would be there. She said she understood how unpleasant it was. She asked us in an almost pleading voice not to try to get out of the elevator on our own because “we might hurt ourselves.” She piteously begged us to be patient a little longer. And although this behavior could not be called ideal from the point of view of using aggression management techniques, sincere human sympathy for people stuck in an elevator at night smoothed out all her mistakes. We left the elevator, if not complacent, then quite friendly.

So much for emergency services. Sometimes it happens.

We have already mentioned that often during business communication, especially when a person believes that he has nothing to do with the problem, he begins to speak in an emphatically cold voice, minting words. You want to kill such people right away - or piss them off. Out of principle. To stand and watch how, in the end, he (more often than not she...) fidgets. Indeed, in this case, the person demonstrates with all his appearance that he is taller than you.

If you want your clients to enjoy working with you, teach your salespeople to talk to people like people.

Not like robots. And learn to talk like that yourself. And if suddenly this book is read by the heads of companies that have a call center, we turn to you and implore you: give clients the opportunity to talk to a live person. If a person is dissatisfied with something, he will not stand it all: “Press 1 if... Now press 2 if... Select 18 if... And finally, 99 provided that...”. And if it finally reaches a living person, he will start yelling right away, even if he started calling while more or less calm. If you value your clients and your wallet, give the client the opportunity to talk to the operator without any problems. Finally, listen to how your employees talk on the phone. What nonverbal information do they convey to clients? “We love you, we appreciate you, call again!”, or “Well, what else do you need?!”, “Again you with your nonsense...”, or “Well, really, you can’t figure out this kind of nonsense yourself?!..” We, for example , we can count on the fingers of one hand the call centers of the “first type”, that is, “we love, appreciate, call again.”

And if you are not very satisfied with your employees, then first it’s enough to teach them to use at least simple verbal formulations: “Wow!”, “What are you talking about?!”, “And then?”, “I understand you very well.” . By this we seem to say to our partner: “You and your problem are very important to me. Tell me more."

...And also sympathize

Do you think you have sympathized enough? Sympathize some more!

Managing other people's fears

Managing sadness and resentment

If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach.
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You're not upset at all.
A real friend doesn't love
Upset your friends.
Grigory Oster, "Bad advice"

“We are creating a fire prevention system”
Conflict Management

Conflict management is a separate big topic. In this book we will touch on the very basics of this complex skill.

Now, please think about it and formulate several associations for the word “conflict”.

____________________________________________

Most often, training participants offer the following options for this question: “scandal”, “fight”, “broken dishes”, “damaged relationships”. Naturally, with such a perception of the conflict, we absolutely do not want to become a participant in it.

When people find themselves in conflict as part of their otherwise good relationship, it usually comes as a shock. Just recently he (whether friend, lover or colleague) seemed like a “great guy” and we understood each other perfectly, but now tension arises. It turns out that he is “not at all” what he seemed at first, and, moreover, he prevents me from achieving my goals and wants something that does not suit me at all. And since few people have time to realize their emotions in this process, things quickly lead to quarrels and resentments. The conflict begins to move into a destructive stage. Many relationships are destroyed at this stage (friends stop being friends, couples separate, and some of the conflicting employees sooner or later quit). If the parties are unable to agree, then it is easier to end the relationship than to constantly quarrel.

Another way is to “hush up” the conflict, to pretend that everything is still fine with us. On the surface, everything is fine, but inside everyone gradually continues to simmer with dissatisfaction with the other. Since it is not spoken out in any way and does not manifest itself in a civilized manner, it simply accumulates and waits in the wings when it “explodes.” Months or years may pass, but such a “hushed” conflict will still manifest itself, as a rule, in a sharply destructive form.

At the same time, there is an opinion that “conflict is the engine of development”; without conflict, it is impossible to move forward... This is only possible if the conflict is resolved constructively. If the partners manage to find a win-win solution to the situation; in addition to resolving the conflict situation itself, they receive a huge number of additional advantages and bonuses. People become more open with each other about their goals and interests, an atmosphere of greater trust is established between them, enthusiasm, a desire to communicate and warm feelings towards each other appear.

Resolving a conflict constructively is extremely difficult for many reasons, but there are four key ones.

Firstly, people do not know how to recognize and manage their emotions, so this stage turns out to be extremely difficult psychologically. They get angry, worry, beat themselves up, begin to think that this is “wrong” and “this can’t happen anymore,” their level of logic drops catastrophically, and it becomes physically impossible to come to any decision.

Secondly, people do not know how to negotiate in such a way that the solution suits both parties. This is due to the psychological difficulties of accepting the “win-win” idea: many people think that both cannot win, one must win and the other must lose. Therefore, each side is busy looking for ways to convince the other side that it is right.

Which for some reason can’t be done.

Third, people do not know the basic laws of communication and do not know how to communicate effectively. Everyone strives to “convey” their picture of the world, looking for ways to prove they are right, instead of first listening to the needs of the other side.

Finally, in most cases, during negotiations to resolve a conflict, the parties communicate at the level of their positions, and not their interests.

Let us dwell on this last difficulty in more detail. What is the difference between “positions” and “interests” and why is it so important in conflict?

Positions are the most superficial level of wishes for the other side (more often than not even wishes, but demands) or the solution to the problem that seems best to me at the moment. A position can often be determined by the words “must”, “only”, “impossible”, that is, by the same absolute words with which one could define an irrational attitude. Also often the position is expressed in demands on the other side: “You must...”.

The conflict usually arises explicitly in a situation where the parties present opposite or almost opposite positions: “Under no circumstances should we intrusively and aggressively sell our product to customers” - “And I believe that it is aggressive sales that give the best effect,” or “You should be home by nine o’clock in the evening” - “No, I’m old enough to be back by midnight.”

It is obvious that it is impossible to reach an agreement at the level of positions (it would be possible if the conflict did not arise). This is where the idea often arises that the only way to resolve a conflict is to either “push through” your position or give in to the demands of the other side. And if I don’t really like either option, then I’m lost and don’t know what to do.

Interests are a person’s internal motives and needs (“I want”, “it’s important to me”). As always, various fears prevent us from presenting our true interests (you can’t open your soul too much to another, in case they “take advantage” or laugh at you). Moreover, true interests are most often not fully realized and can be difficult to formulate in words. Behind each position there is usually not one, but a whole set of interests. And it is at their level that a new solution can be found that will be beneficial to both parties.

Let's see how it turns out.

What interests might the parties have in the examples above?

Let's take a sales situation. Probably, each of the participants wants to demonstrate himself as a competent and successful specialist, wants to get clients for the company (here, most likely, there is both an interest related to personal gain and an interest in the success of the company); most likely, each of them also has an interest in working in a sales style that is more comfortable and familiar to them. Note that almost all interests are the same! This is what usually happens - the parties find a lot in common at the level of interests. Awareness of this commonality allows them to join forces to look for solutions other than “either this or that.” For example, they may decide to work differently at different stages of the sales process (start aggressively enough to capture the customer, then maintain the relationship in a friendly manner) or segment customers (this is better this way, this way is better than that). Perhaps there will be other options that will suit both managers.

Now do the same work with the situation of a teenage girl who wants to go home late at night. What interests do the parties have? What new, different solutions to the problem can they find?

What should you do to find out the interests of the other party? Naturally, ask about them. Another reason why it is so difficult for people to find mutually acceptable solutions is that everyone wants to talk for themselves and does not want to listen to the other. Especially if emotions have already accumulated.

It is for these reasons that a mediator, or conflict resolution mediator, is often invited to resolve serious conflicts. It could be a specialist who does this professionally, or simply a person who is not interested in making a specific decision, whom both parties trust enough. The task of this person is to reduce the emotional stress of the parties and help them realize and present their true interests. As a rule, when this happens, the conflict is resolved quite quickly, because at the level of interests it is much easier to find both common needs and desires, and possible new solutions.

If a conflict occurs between company employees, their manager can act as such a mediator (provided that he has the necessary skills for this, that is, he knows how to ask open questions, use active listening techniques and manage the emotions of the parties).

What to do if you do not have such an intermediary, and you find yourself in a conflict situation? First of all, think about how you will cope with your emotional state before negotiations and during them (we recommend remembering breathing techniques and exhaling more often).

Think about your interests. What do you really want when you insist on taking certain actions? What is important to you? Come up with a list of questions you can ask the other party to understand their interests and needs. After you manage to find out the interests of the other party (this may not be quick or easy), invite your partner to look for other solutions that will suit both of you.

Be calm if something goes wrong. Conflict resolution is a very complex process precisely because both parties usually experience a lot of emotions in the process of resolving it. Don't blame yourself if at some point you don't behave constructively enough - you can always admit you were wrong and try again. When your partner sees that you are not in the mood to “push” your decision, but want to find other ways, as a rule, he will be ready to meet you halfway.

What to do if you yourself are not involved in the conflict, but it is important for you that the parties to the conflict find a way to resolve it constructively?

First of all, ask yourself honestly: do you think any of the positions presented are correct? If so, you'd better not act as a mediator. Talk to each of the parties to the conflict in turn. Ask him about what interests he has in this conflict. What is important to him? Why does he defend his position? Help both participants think about their interests.

Do not ask participants to think about the interests of others! We often do this in attempts to “reconcile” the warring parties, which only causes serious irritation. Also, exhortations like: “But he didn’t want to offend you” or “He also wants what’s best” are of little help. So far, none of the participants is most likely ready to think about the interests of the other. He is angry and hurt and wants someone to talk to him about his interests. So you say. When you understand that the person has spoken out, feels more calm and is more or less aware of his interests (and this can take more than one conversation!), tell him about his positions and interests and ask what he thinks about it in the context of a conflict situation. If the person is calm, suggest that the three of you meet together to look for new, mutually beneficial solutions based on the interests that you have managed to understand.

If both parties have agreed to a threesome, first ask each person to share their interests in the situation. Don't let the other person interrupt before the person has fully spoken. Ask the other person to retell in his own words how he understood the interests of the other - this will help him understand them better, and the one who spoke will make sure that he was really heard. After this, repeat the procedure with the second participant.

If everything went well, usually by this point the participants feel calm, friendly towards each other and ready to look for other options for solving their common problem. With a successful combination of circumstances, they will be able to find such solutions. And there is no need to help them with advice, let them search for themselves!

If something goes wrong, go back to one-on-one conversations. And don’t worry - sooner or later the situation will be resolved. It is only important to have patience and calmly listen to all the experiences of the participants (even if they tell you the same thing for the fifteenth time!). Of course, this is if you intend to mediate in their conflict and help them resolve it.

Giving others quality (constructive) feedback

Remember: when you watch what another person is doing, what most often catches your eye?

Errors. “Shoals”, imperfections, typos. What he is doing is wrong and wrong.

Moreover, very often it is not even clear to us what exactly is wrong, but “something was wrong there.” If we tell another person how it is seen in our internal space (which, by the way, is called criticism), what reaction will this cause in him? Most likely, irritation, perhaps offense.

What will he want to do (remember now when they criticize you)? Make excuses, object, promise “that it won’t happen again”... and forget about this conversation as quickly as possible, because it is unpleasant.

The HeadHunter study showed that criticism from management is in 2nd place among the factors that have the most negative impact on work - it was noted by 26% of survey participants. Criticism affects our employees more than personal problems, constant overload and the complexities of corporate policy - they were chosen by a significantly smaller number of respondents. Only conflicts in the team have a worse effect - they were indicated by 37% of survey participants. Figures about how criticism affects family members and loved ones... but it’s intuitively clear that if there were such numbers, it would turn out that criticism in the family is even more destructive, especially in relation to children. Criticism destroys self-esteem, undermines self-confidence and worsens relationships.

But for what purpose do we tell a person that he is doing something wrong or wrong? As usual, with the best intentions! We want to provide feedback to the person in a way that they hear, understand, and are (if possible) motivated to change their behavior. So that he becomes more effective, better, more successful. It is so?

In order for a person to hear our words and be motivated to change something in his behavior, it is necessary that he be in a fairly calm and even emotional state. It is this state that will help him be more effective - in fact, what we were striving for.

Does criticism bring a person into a calm state? No.

Even if you think that you know how to present it correctly. Even if the second person seems to perceive it adequately. Criticism causes irritation and resentment in anyone, it’s just that not everyone realizes it.

Skeptical training participant: If I'm unhappy with something, why should I care about making him feel good? I’ll tell you what I’m dissatisfied with, and let him run and fix it!

Here it is important to remember the goal again. It is not for nothing that the principle of goal-setting in managing the emotions of others comes first.

Decide for yourself: do you want to relieve irritation or so that the employee can effectively complete this work next time? Have you thought carefully and come to the conclusion that you need to talk more harshly with this particular employee, otherwise he doesn’t understand (there are others like that), or do you really think that if you yell at a person, he will work better? Yes, in the short term he may “run and fix it,” but how will this affect your future relationship? Is it his desire to continue to do his job well?

Offended employees work poorly, that's a fact! And it’s good if they are just bad, and do not harm the company, consciously or unconsciously, if they were offended (especially if they believe that they were offended unfairly).

Here's a simple example. Real, by the way. The foreman in the production workshop was running around like crazy the whole shift, something needed to be fixed here and there, to help one thing or another. In the literal sense of the word, he almost ran around the production and at some point sat down for a minute to catch his breath - it was truly a very difficult day. Then the shift manager walks by and says to him rather sharply: “Why are you sitting here? I see you have nothing to do?” The foreman left almost with tears in his eyes and brought his resignation letter that same evening. And he quit, despite all the persuasion. Great production specialist! With many years of experience! Yes, any production will tear it off! Gone.

Did you read the example and think that the shift manager is an idiot? Have you ever yelled at an employee who is doing something wrong? Are you sure this was fair? One of the participants in our program, having learned about this sad story, later, when he saw that one of the employees was doing something wrong, first began to ask why the employee was doing such and such... and found out : in a number of cases, the employee was told this by another boss; periodically he corrects deficiencies and mistakes of the previous shift; sometimes he follows the requirements of specific production regulations, some of which contradict each other... And yes, in some cases the employee is wrong and does the wrong thing, but when the manager calmly asks him about what is happening (and does not shout or swear), he himself but, ashamed, he quickly corrects everything.

If it seems to you that this cannot happen in your company, that the employee is almost never to blame, remember the great Deming, who believed that only 2% of company failures are the fault of employees (2% - just think about this figure!) . And the reasons for the remaining 98% of the difficulties are due to the system itself, that is, its organization: structure, culture, rules, etc.

Remember this before you criticize an employee next time - and first ask him why he decided to do it this way and not otherwise.

Skeptical training participant: So, should I not tell my employees anything at all now?

Of course, giving feedback to others is necessary. Without feedback, people have a hard time getting information to improve themselves, worry about what we think about their actions, and ultimately don't always do their best work.

Another thing is that there are more effective forms of feedback than criticism, we just have encountered them less often in our lives. Most of us have been raised on criticism since childhood. “Why a deuce?”, “You did it wrong,” “You’re too...”, “Never again...”, “How did you manage?..”, “Didn’t learn again”... - that is, most often criticism contains information about mistakes , about what was done wrong and what was done poorly, namely a lot of information about what should NOT have been done. And no information about what to do next time. The criticism contains zero such information. This is why criticism so rarely leads to behavior change. I might even want to change my behavior, but I just don’t understand what needs to be done? In addition, he became angry at the criticism and, like an intelligent adult, explained to himself that, perhaps, the one who criticized was wrong after all.

Trying (there is no other way to say it) to smooth out the emotional perception of criticism, some try to “sweeten the pill”: “Actually, you did great, but don’t do this, this, and this again.” Does this improve the perception of feedback? Perhaps not particularly.

How then should we proceed?

In order to provide a person with high-quality and constructive feedback, it is important to consider the following: high-quality feedback contains only information about the person’s actions and in no case includes an assessment of the individual, even a positive one (“You did great!”). Why? Because the one who considers himself to have the right to evaluate another puts himself psychologically higher. It doesn't matter what kind of work or family relationship you are in - if you judge another person, it causes irritation. In general, the more non-judgmental the feedback, the better. Compare: “What an idiot you are!” - “Here you screwed up” - “Here you have a “jamb”” - “There’s a mistake” - “Here it was wrong” - “You didn’t tighten the nut properly” - “You screwed the nut wrong, and because of this everything collapsed” - “You tightened the nut this way and that way. This caused the thing to break down...

Quality feedback is timely. Talk about what happened recently, and don’t remember that “three years ago you did this too...”.

It’s better if feedback is provided “on request,” that is, if the person himself asked you: “So, how?” Be prepared for the fact that any, even constructive, “unsolicited” feedback can be irritating. Or if we are talking about work interaction, there is an agreement that the manager periodically gives feedback to the subordinate. And even in this case, it is better to ask whether the person is now ready to listen to the necessary information. Maybe he is not in the right emotional state or his head is now occupied with something else and he is not ready to perceive feedback at this very moment. Then it is better to agree on another time.

And in general, it seemed to us that the rule that feedback is given one-on-one was so obvious and well-known to everyone that in the original version of the manuscript nothing was even said about it. But it turned out that this is still not obvious to many Russian leaders. The same HeadHunter provides data that, according to a survey of employees, 47% of managers, if they are dissatisfied with something, will try to understand the reasons at a general meeting, 30% will immediately begin to criticize, maybe publicly, 12 % will write by email, 4% will remain silent irritably and only 7% will talk face to face. 7% (!!!) - we were horrified and decided to write about the fact that constructive feedback is given one on one.

Qualitative feedback contains information about specific actions, and the more specific the better. “He knows how to listen” - what is this about? Silent? Nods? Asks questions and uses active listening techniques? Does he look you in the eye? Or: “You should have been more confident”? Punch him in the eye? Speak louder? Straighten your shoulders? Speak in a lower voice and at a slower pace?

As our experience shows, people do not know how to break down activities into components and talk about specific actions. More often they prefer to generalize (“Well, in general, you did everything well”) and give evaluations (“Oh, great! I liked everything”). Such a statement contains zero useful information about the behavior of another person! In order for a person to change his behavior, it is important to give feedback on specific actions.

Qualitative feedback provides recommendations on what to do next time (not mistakes). Of course, specific recommendations. “Please fix it next time” is not good, preferably: “Please next time take this nut and tighten it this way and that way.”

Qualitative feedback includes two parts: information about what is worth continuing to do (what was effective and successful in the actions of the other person) and what makes sense to change (“growth areas”).

Skeptical training participant: What to do if nothing was effective and successful?

Alena answers
In such cases, I always remember the biology teacher who asked a question in class, listened to the answer, and then - regardless of the answer! - she said: “Sit down. "Two" for now." So, if you haven’t found a single effective action, sit down, you’re “two” for now. Do your homework, look for the positives in your employee’s actions. In any action, even the most disastrous one, there was something that could be considered effective.

How to formulate information about what is worth continuing to do? Answer the questions: what was effective in the other person’s actions? What helped him achieve his goal (complete the task)? What should he repeat the next time he does this? Remember specific actions!

How to get information about “growth areas” and what can be improved? Answer these questions: what should a person change (and how specifically) when he performs a task next time? what can I add? What can be improved (and how specifically)? What will help him complete the task faster or with less expenditure of other resources?

Finally, high-quality feedback contains more information about the “positives” than about areas of growth. No comments.

Constructive feedback = specific non-judgmental information about effective actions + information about “growth areas”

This is a difficult skill to master and it takes a lot of effort to provide quality feedback. However, the result will not take long to arrive.

This type of feedback allows you to express information that would normally cause a lot of irritation in a way that the recipient remains calm and can best process it. Therefore, constructive feedback is more likely to lead to behavior change. In addition, feedback in this form is easily given even to those people who are afraid of offending another, and they may not accumulate dissatisfaction within themselves, but immediately discuss it constructively and calmly. Ultimately, both the giver and recipient of the feedback feel emotionally comfortable and both are more satisfied with the relationship. Therefore, high-quality feedback is one of the most powerful tools for preventing emotional outbursts.

Moreover, under certain conditions it can also refer to tools for raising morale:

The session dedicated to the process of evaluating work for the six months included a block on providing feedback... We talked about what it is like, discussed constructive and negative feedback, and practiced in different roles. In the final exercise, everyone received a piece of paper with positive and constructive feedback, written by colleagues - personal and so dear?
...How touched and happy I am now, walking through the office and seeing many employees have the same feedback sheets above their desks, on nearby walls... communicate effectively - is this happiness?
Olesya Silantieva,
HR and administrative manager, large pharmaceutical company

The terms “civilized” and “barbarian” influence were borrowed from E. V. Sidorenko.

“Taste of Life” (eng. No Reservations) is a 2007 romantic comedy. The film was directed by Scott Hicks from a script by Carol Fuchs, based on the work of Sandra Nettlebeck. This is a remake of the German film "Irresistible Martha". The American version stars Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart, who played a couple of chefs in the film. Note ed.

“Girls” is a 1961 comedy feature film filmed in the USSR by director Yuri Chulyukin based on the story of the same name by B. Bedny. Note ed.

“What Men Talk About” is a 2010 Russian film comedy filmed in the road movie genre by the comic theater “Quartet I” based on the play “Conversations of Middle-Aged Men about Women, Cinema and Aluminum Forks.” Note ed.

Deming William Edwards (1900–1993), also known as Edward Deming, was an American scientist, statistician, and management consultant. Deming gained the greatest fame thanks to the Shewhart cycle he modified, which the whole world now calls the Shewhart-Deming cycle, as well as for the theory of management he created, based on the theory of deep knowledge he proposed. He was awarded one of the most prestigious awards established by the American Society for Quality (ASQ) - the Shewhart Medal in 1955. Note ed.