Miser - the psychology of male greed. My boyfriend is a jerk

All women love men with money. But all of them (women, that is) are divided into two categories: those who love money in men, and those who love the power that this money gives a man. Everything is clear about the former - a man for them is only a way of earning money, a kind of round-the-clock work, a way to survive in a market economy. Of course, it is better not to get involved with such people. And if you get in touch, then only if you want to become an employer: you give her money, she gives you - well, you understand ...
If, nevertheless, your plans include finding a life partner, then you should take a closer look at the second category of women. But they also need to match.
Money, in the view of a woman, is an indicator of masculinity. It's like in a primitive society - a man who managed to catch the biggest mammoth is worthy to take as his wife best women and a place for a hut (well, or where they lived there). And such women were loved precisely for the feeling of security that a man who managed to defeat a mammoth gave: he would feed and fur, and the community would always respect him. A man with a mammoth is the master of life, and this is also status. So, a woman may well meet on your way, who will first look at the thickness of your wallet, while not intending to reduce this thickness at all.
On the contrary, many women, having met a wealthy man, consider a relationship with him as a good investment: after all, together you can earn (and therefore afford) more than one. And this: a house with a view of the Kremlin, and a dacha in Australia, and a big black car for each family member. And also, of course, the main investment of life is children who will be able (thanks to your successful cooperation) to get an education at Harvard and marry a prince. But we digress...

Why is a man greedy? There are many reasons.

Firstly, he really doesn't have much money. Recently, the following incident happened to me: I went on a date with an extremely pleasant young man with whom, as it seemed to me, we had a lot in common. In general, he is a scientist, but his salary is small. Although, why "but"? .. In general, I bought him a book as a gift. We sat in a cafe and drank tea. We went home in a taxi. I left without paying (exactly 100 rubles), and he went to his place. Two days later he asked to return the money for the taxi. I put them on his phone, cried from humiliation, and I have no more business with this man. But he really doesn't make much money.
The second is education.. Boys and girls in the family are brought up in completely different ways. Sometimes one woman, raising her son and daughter, tells them completely different things. Mothers often warn their growing sons against women who will certainly try to take advantage of their money without giving anything in return. A man with such an attitude towards life will always be wary of women and will try to do his best to his chosen one. fewer gifts, and will respond to her requests as an attempt to turn it into a purse with legs.
The third reason is a feature of the psyche. There are such people - boxes, plushies. Their passion is accumulation. These people have a special relationship with money - they are always afraid of losing it. Not because they are greedy, but because they are constantly preparing for the worst: a layoff, a financial crisis, a sudden illness, and without money they feel insecure. Therefore, every penny counts for them, and a woman trying to take away this penny poses a direct threat ... to life. After all, if today he buys her a diamond necklace, and tomorrow he is diagnosed with cancer, he will simply die because of this damn necklace ...
Surprisingly, men often bring up bitches themselves. After all, what, in fact, is the courtship process based on? A man gives gifts to a woman, hoping to win her attention, and then, when she already becomes his constant companion, he stops making gifts. But if a woman is used to such behavior on the part of her chosen one, and if she still has on him, then their relationship has every chance to develop into blackmail: she will tell him that she will leave if he does not fulfill her next whim. Vicious circle.

So how do you deal with a man who loves his money, at least as much as he loves you?

Don't expect him to guess your dreams. Speak up. And try to justify your decision. If this is not just your whim, but really a necessity, convey your idea to him. Explain why it is important for you to buy a car or washing machine why do you need a fur coat or new flat. In the end, find explanations for your desire to have a diamond necklace. And do not try to speak in hints, he still will not understand, and then he will also be to blame.
Make your own gifts, let him see that you are generous and disinterested, and therefore, he may not be afraid that you only want money from him. Give him pleasant surprises, be attentive to his desires, sometimes make concessions so that he can afford to buy something that needs a lot of money (a motorcycle, for example). In a word, don't be selfish.
Teach him to share. if he can't. Many men live single life, and terribly glad to be in this state. Perhaps you are his first serious story, and he does not yet know that by letting you into his life, he thereby gives you the right to claim his time, attention and money (he, in fact, has the same rights). He's used to spending his entire paycheck on himself, and you're asking him to buy some big thing for everyone to use. Yes, you can both do without it, but it would make life much easier for both of you. Explain to him that living together imposes a number of obligations, including financial ones. Nurture him.
Don't forget to thank him when he gives you gifts. And even though a lot of time has passed since the memorable moment, from time to time it will not be superfluous to praise him for a present. Thus, you make it clear that his gift is significant, and he sees the result of his actions and understands that the money was well spent.
Ask for big gifts, and earn on the little things yourself. If you beg for money every day for nonsense, then when the time comes for big purchases, he can you. And he will be right - after all, you have already spent a lot of money on all sorts of nonsense. So save requests for large expenses for the future, and purchase all sorts of little things yourself. Believe me, when the time comes to buy a car or an apartment, you will remember this advice with gratitude.
Use all means known to you, only with the mind. You need to cry, but in moderation, otherwise this powerful weapon will lose its effectiveness. But before using tears, try other ways: persuade, trying to convey logical arguments to the man, gently ask, try to be offended, and only if all this does not work, cry. But do not overdo it: after all, the punishment should correspond to the “crime”.

My boyfriend is a miser, or His worst sin

December 1, 2015 - 4 comments

A bill split in half, a request to return the money for a taxi, a wallet “forgotten” at home, a lonely carnation without cellophane on the first date - and then no gift to you, not a flower ...

Some girls were even “lucky” to hear: “You understand, I have a small salary”, “Why do you need gifts, we already live together.” There are variations: “Do you need me or my money? Love me the way I am”, “Mom said that you should only give money to all of you!”

How much different explanations a person can come up with, justifying his stinginess! Why, then, do some men lose the desire to get a purse as soon as it comes to their girlfriend? Who are these men, what drives them?

Let's call on Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology to help and try to understand why boys save on girls.

One for myself and all for me

Most often there are two groups of men who do not like to part with money.

Representatives of the first group are quite ambitious (at least from boastful stories about themselves) people. Movable, thin, fit, athletic - it's nice to look at them, it's not a shame to appear in public with them. They live in a high rhythm, absolutely fitting into the requirements modern world. Necessarily high-intensity work, almost certainly there is a car, the desire to be in time everywhere, to earn everything, to overtake everyone.

They are very rational. Sometimes it even seems like too much. And they don’t see anything shameful in the fact that you pay in a restaurant every man for himself: “We have a democracy. You also make money."

Initially, you may be presented with a small bouquet or a practical gift. But if you are already in a relationship, it is unprofitable to spend money on a soul mate - you no longer need to win it. And you need to be economical: you never know what will happen tomorrow.

Slightly less common are those who directly declare that “just give women money.” After all, girls are what they are: if you like a guy, then you try to prove that you are “not like that”, and you don’t need his money, only him. However, this particular man himself considers himself a gift for any woman. But if it gets into his head that a girlfriend wants money or gifts from him, then he considers her corrupt, which he directly declares.

In a mild version, he will mutter: “I didn’t deserve to receive gifts yet. Wait and see". How long the probation period will last in a relationship is unclear ...

Pragmatic user or offended boy?

It's time to grab your head: how to distinguish between them? It is good that the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan tells us about both.

The problem is that we perceive equally men who do not know how or do not want to give material gifts or show signs of attention to their girlfriend. We briefly print: “Zhmot”. But the motives are different. They stem from innate desires, the totality of which is called a vector. And the described examples are inherent in men with skin and anal vectors.

Owners of the skin vector are earners and economists. They are created in order to earn and save, effectively investing what they earn in accounts, real estate, the latest technology and gadgets. And in a state of stress from the loss of something valuable for oneself (time, money) or, less often, due to the underdevelopment of the properties of the vector, one may strive to save on everything.

A person with a skin vector strives to get it for free, if there is such an opportunity. If something is bad, we take it. And we will save ours - it will come in handy!

But men who deny their beloved the right to gifts on the basis of "did not deserve" are the owners of the anal vector. In a developed and realized state, they are the most best husbands and fathers. Developed and realized, they beautifully look after, caring and attentive towards their girlfriend.

But if the life experience of a man with an anal vector is weighed down by a blow to the main values ​​- the purity and innocence of a woman, fidelity, devotion, respect, then they transfer their first negative experience and resentment to others. So, if a man believes that the first girl used him, then he will treat everyone else with suspicion and distrust, trying to compensate for the offense received. It is very difficult for such people to readjust. They may not recognize that you personally did nothing to him. It just happened to him once.

Plushki new time

Why are we girls so jarred by the understanding that a guy is a miser? After all, when going to a restaurant in the West, no one will feel insulted and offended if everyone pays for himself. There it is simple and natural.

The answer lies in our special mentality, in which male stinginess is a sin comparable to mortal.

But the true misers are, of course, men with a skin vector. Because money is a value in the skin vector. The guys understand it well and subtly feel who you can save money on, and who you can’t.

And the most accommodating and caring guys can be just frugal when they are in good condition. And, alas, out of principle, they won’t buy anything for you when you’re in a bad situation.

You can learn more about skin and anal men at the free online trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Registration

I am dating a man, he lives in Germany (Russian). We see each other about once a month. The problem is that I'm afraid to connect my life with a person, because it seems to me that he is an inveterate miser, and in everything. He has an excellent job, earns a lot, but at the same time he dresses very simply, when she came to visit him in Germany, she saw that she lives simply, cheap furniture, plumbing ... Gifts have to be beaten out of him in the literal sense of the word, he can say that bought, and then fly to Ukraine and say that he forgot the gift at home, or buy not a crocodile bag, as we agreed, but a llama wallet, while doing Round eyes when I'm angry. When I order perfumes, he buys the smallest volumes. In restaurants, I order everything without any problems, and he saves on himself. It's terribly annoying. He promises me to buy a car, an apartment, and then he stupidly forgets. Terribly deduces: constant promises, and then a frost. Somehow he brought earrings with bryuliks, showed them in a box, said he would give them in the evening, and left without giving them to me ... I kept silent, he didn’t remember them like that anymore ... And there are quite a lot of similar situations. I do not know what to do. Help, how to re-educate him? What to do?! If I leave him (it was far more than once), calls, asks for forgiveness, says that he understood everything and everything will be as I want, but everything repeats again ... The man is 37 years old, and everything looks like a fool ... I beg you, do not ignore my letter !

Katerina, Kyiv, 18 years old / 05.01.13

Opinions of our experts

• Alyona

  Katerina, due to age and upbringing, you probably just don’t know yet that wealthy men don’t invest in mistresses that they use a couple of days a month. It's unprofitable. You are unlikely to get a car, an apartment and diamonds from your 37-year-old "burgher". Judging by your letter, he is not a fool at all and has long understood what you are worth and what your “love” is worth. You do not need to rack your brains and decide the Hamlet question whether to connect fate with this man or not. If he really is a practical person, he himself will not call you in marriage - you are too actively trying to get into his pocket, being just a mistress. And you will not be able to re-educate him - you have different weight categories both in terms of life experience and intellect. Almost certainly he just hangs noodles on your ears. A successful businessman with a great job and a big salary? Do you know this for sure or from his words? What is "earns a lot" - by the standards of Kyiv or Munich? Or is it by the standards of an 18-year-old girl "from Ukraine" who does not yet know how to do anything and does not work? After all, a man can fool you with promises of gifts, not even because he is not ready to spend money on you, but because in reality he does not have the opportunities that he tells you about. It's obvious that he's bullshitting you, but the question is, to what extent is he honest with you at all? If a wealthy person buys cheap furniture and plumbing for himself, then he is either really too obsessed with savings, or ... or he is not as wealthy as he says, because no one has yet canceled the wise proverb: “we are not so rich to buy cheap things". In general, whatever it was, but you're wasting your time. There is no one to re-educate here, the boy has grown up a long time ago, so 15-20 years earlier than you, and he knows exactly what he is doing and what he does not want to do and will not do. And if someone plays the role of a “fool” in your couple, it’s you, if you still haven’t understood that you won’t hatch these golden eggs and won’t become the wife of a successful new burgher. At 18, it’s better to think about your education and to have something else in your head besides the desire to get a 200 ml perfume from duty free, a crocodile bag, a car and an apartment from a lover. 18 years old and a young body that can be sold for clothes, displacement or square meters, you will not always have, but a smart head and a profession in demand will remain with you until old age.

• Sergey

  Katerina, believe me, a person who looks like a fool, but has everything he wants, is far from being a fool. Unlike a young stupid girl who considers herself the navel of the universe, but who is banal, like a Papuan, for a couple of beads and a bag of promises. And all because the girl is not only stupid, but also greedy and mercantile. And as Okudzhava once wrote - “a greedy man does not need a knife, you show him a copper penny and do with him what you want.” That's what they do with you. By the way, Bulat Shalvovich said everything about fools and braggarts in the same song. Read at your leisure, maybe it will help. Unfortunately, there isn't much to recommend here. You need to get smarter and grow up, and this takes at least time. But it will also be nice to think about what you are doing and why. Now it doesn't look very good. Note that instead of learning and raising your own level, you meet once a month with a man much older than you, whom you do not love and respect, and whose only value is living in Europe and mythical well-being. That is, you are corny trying to sell your body for a car and an apartment in prosperous Germany. Considering that a normal two-room apartment in Berlin can be found for 40 thousand Euros, and a good car for 10 thousand, then your cost is only 50,000 euros. Cheap. By the way, since you are not distinguished by moral scrupulousness, than waiting for something incomprehensible from your overgrown boyfriend, maybe it’s better to become a prostitute and just earn those 50 thousand in a couple of years. All the same, you are doing about the same thing now, only the income is incomparably smaller. As for a possible future with this man, just take my word for it - buy a happy family life impossible. To endure a life together, you need to love your partner. Well, at least respect him a lot. You don't see it. In addition, if a man wanted to live with you, he would live, and not come once a month when he “itched”. Therefore, I would suggest that you stop doing nonsense. You are completely wasting your time. As for answering questions, I advise you to remember for the future that 37-year-old men do not change and it is impossible to re-educate them. Especially if a young fool is trying to do this, not understanding that she is simply being manipulated as they want. The answer to the second question, I think, I have already given. In my opinion, you should end this connection as soon as possible and not waste your time.

“She only wants my money!” Men are increasingly blaming women for consumer attitude to yourself, loved ones. "Instead of pure love give her a fur coat and a ring with diamonds” – such arguments are increasingly found on various forums on the net. Everything ends with a rhetorical “why?!”, and in the comments a lot of stories immediately appear on the topic “How money kills love.”

Meanwhile, if a man has a wallet, this absolutely does not mean that everything else is unimportant to women. Of course, we generally tend to choose a partner who can adequately provide for the family - according to anthropologists, this is embedded in our genetic memory. But as romantic natures, we still pay more attention to feelings. But men, no matter how they rest on the fact that love should be disinterested, are increasingly reducing communication to calculations, who owes whom and how much. Don't believe? The stories of our heroines are a clear confirmation of this.

Tatyana, 28 years old:

“Somehow a young man looked after me. IN new year holidays invited me to a restaurant, took a snack for two and a couple of glasses of wine. The bill was not a million, but I, like a decent girl, offered to pay half. He not only refused, but was also offended, as if I had suggested something indecent. After that, we met with him four more times, went to the cinema and to concerts, always on his initiative. And then, he suddenly announced that he then, on the first date, had the last money, he spent it on me, and I, they say, do not appreciate it! I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. He then asked for forgiveness, spoke, escaped. But, in general, this is a verdict, of course.

Svetlana, 26 years old:

“I had such a case. The young man actively looked after me. In principle, he was nice to me, and I thought, well, why not, let's try to talk, and then life will show whether we are suitable for each other. First he invited me to an amusement park, then to the cinema. And on the third date - in some fashionable, terribly pretentious restaurant. I am not a fan of such an atmosphere and even told him that it is not at all necessary to go to such a place, you can sit in an ordinary cafe. But he began to ardently convince me that such a luxurious girl should only be taken to decent places. We sat, drank a bottle of champagne, and suddenly he told me with such anguish that he was saving money for the business, and now he spent everything on me. And suddenly he started crying! I felt like I was in a Mexican TV series, I had to console him what to do. She offered to reimburse him for the expenses, although he refused, he still somehow got tired of meeting with him further.

Ilona, ​​30 years old:

“One day a man started courting me. At first I didn’t really want to go on a date with him, but he was so insistent that in the end I agreed to meet and have a drink. We came with him to a cafe, I ordered a cappuccino. I don't eat after six, so I gave up desserts. The next day he sent me to the office beautiful bouquet flowers and a basket of cakes. And the next day I met him from work and offered a ride home. We are already approaching, and he says to me: “Come on, you will take your son to his mother today, and I will come to visit you all night.” I was taken aback by such impudence, answered that, in fact, I did not expect guests, and asked if he was rushing things too much. He calmly took out his phone, opened a calculator on it and began to count. And then he announced that in this case I owe him coffee, flowers, cakes and - attention! - for the gas he used to get from the office to my house! 2000 rubles.

Inna, 28 years old:

“A few years ago I lived with a guy who lost his job. I reacted with understanding: well, it can happen to anyone. Time passed, but he did not actively look for work. We lived on my earnings plus "humanitarian aid" from his mother. Eventually, I started to wonder, “When are you going to start looking for a job?” To which he told me with resentment: “You are so mercantile, you only need my money!”

It’s good that I didn’t wait after that, I immediately left him. It is clear that with such an attitude, a family cannot be created and children cannot be raised. Five years have passed, and he still survives with small part-time jobs and sits on his mother’s neck.

“One of my friends complained about ex girlfriend, said that she was with him only because of the money. And it was funny to me, because at that time he earned, to put it mildly, a little, about two times less than his girlfriend. Once I could not stand it and asked: "Do you think you have that kind of money for which a girl would meet you without love?" So what do you think he said? “Of course,” she says, “why else would she constantly want to go to the cinema with me, then go to a cafe ?!”

Zhenya, 24 years old:

“I once met a young man on the Internet. He turned out to be very nice and sweet, but I'm still wary of online dating and therefore I was in no hurry to go on a date with him. He, as they say, entered into a position and invited me to the park for the first date. Seems like a crowded place. The meeting went well, we walked, chatted. He called me back the same evening and the next day. Then he invited me to the cinema. I delicately offered to pay for my ticket. To which he happily replied: “No, I’ll buy tickets, but for now, buy popcorn, chips, and don’t forget about it!”

Vera, 22 years old:

“I recently broke up with a guy, and before that we lived together for two years, rented an apartment. They parted quietly, peacefully, as they say, friends. That is, I was sure that we were parting as friends, until he, in all seriousness, billed me ... for everything. Believe it or not, he not only calculated how much each of us spent on repairs, furniture and household appliances in two years, but also took into account the cost of groceries and all trips to cafes and cinemas. Since I always worked and spent on equal terms with him, the bill, I must say, was not mind-blowing. But I was struck that he kept records for two years, collected checks. Prepared, in general, the boy to part. I said that the accountant died in it, and did not take anything with me - let him enjoy it. Only his future girlfriend is a pity, of course.

Olga, 29:

“I was talking to a former classmate here. He lives in France now. He found me on the net and from the very first conversation he began to tell how hard it was for him. There is no work, his wife is divorced, he has to pay alimony. Here he is looking for a kindred spirit, but all classmates are so evil, they will talk to him twice and add him to the black list. Well, it's somehow inconvenient to send a person if he complains to you. Talked to him once, then another. Then he asked for permission to call me, saying that you can’t write everything on the network, so he wants to talk to me. I reluctantly gave my number. And he began to call me, each time he poured out his heart and a half, I didn’t even have time to insert a word. In general, after a month it became quite difficult to communicate with him, there are no common themes, only groans and complaints on his part. Well, I began to increase the distance, he calls, and I come up with a reason to quickly turn off the conversation. For the third time, he cleared it and wrote me an angry letter that I was, to put it mildly, a bad person: he spent so much money on calls from France to Russia, and I "dumped" him. All I could answer was: “Yes, communication with women is a costly thing!”

Costly is not the right word, especially if it is serious relationship rather than a couple of dates. So if a man invites you to treat yourself to a cocktail, let it be your first and last cocktail in his company.

Women and men today work on equal terms. And they earn accordingly too. But women still judge men by how they spend money. What to do if you got a miser?