How to become a happy mother. Rules for a happy marriage: how to be a good wife? Don't be a martyr

When there is a son in the family, and he grows up, finally marries, the mother rises in the “rank”, she becomes the mother-in-law. But how such relationships develop can be judged by the situations that appear in everyday life. The mother-in-law can become a friend, adviser, assistant or second mother. But it may turn out that in a common new family there are enemies, enemies, ill-wishers who do not contribute to the peace and unity of the family.

These popular troubles between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law begin from the earliest childhood of the son. Mom did not understand the great truth that you need to prepare yourself for parting. “A man will leave his father and mother…” Knowing that the son will have to create a new hearth, his own family, and separate from his father and mother, parents must themselves prepare for this and raise their son based on these rules. But, oh, how I do not want to do it! Mom gets used to and becomes attached to her son so much that she cannot imagine life without him. Especially if, by the time their sons grow up, mothers are left without the support of their husband. Whatever the reason for her loneliness, the mother sees herself with a strong reliance on old age - in her son! If the mother imagined life in the future in such a way and got used to this idea, then any obstacle in this direction will be diligently eliminated. In the role of "interference" she will see any other woman who appears next to her son, with her support and hope .

Mom diligently maintains a psychological connection withson. This is the first reason to become a bad mother-in-law. The beginning of the rupture of this connection should occur at the initiative of the parents after 10 years. The first independent decisions, the first advice on family matters, an invitation to solve the financial needs of the family, the assignment of important responsibilities in the home, praise and support. Here is a list of the most important areas for the development of the future head of the family. And this should be done not only by the father, but also by the keeper of the hearth - the mother, the future mother-in-law.

This is a special topic about a mother who has a son. Many psychologists consider her after many observations of the mother-in-law's behavior and made certain conclusions: A woman has long and selflessly carried out the function of a guardian or guardian of the hearth. She is used to protecting her child from cold and hunger, germs and falling from a bicycle, the bad influence of the street, etc. Continuing to “watch” like a security guard, a mother, without breaking the psychological connection with her son, sometimes subconsciously seeks to destroy a new family. And not at all because the chosen one turned out to be bad, but simply because she violated the usual course of life. After the wedding, you will have to stay in the "empty nest" or make room to take another "chick". This is where the time has come for the mother-in-law to demonstrate her best qualities - PATIENCE AND BENEFICIENCY. This will greatly help your children and you find the best ways to live both at a distance and under the same roof. Let me give you some advice for balancing your relationship with your son's family.

1. Do not try to regain your lost power over an adult son, do not cover it with a beautiful slogan: "I want you to be happy." If you really want to, find the strength to step aside and let your son build a relationship with your daughter-in-law. After all, she will soon become the mother of your grandchildren!
2. Do not pull your son with offers of help and all sorts of "useful tips." Help, advise only in those cases when they ask you about it. Forget the phrases “He will be lost without me!”, “Who else will help, if not my own mother!”, “I’ll run tomorrow and cook soup for them.” Help, advise, or cook only when asked to do so directly and unambiguously. Believe that in critical situations, young people will not be shy and will definitely turn to you for help!
3. Set up a new mode of communication. Ask to call you at a certain time and do not make a scene if the children do not call you on time.
4. Do not interfere in the privacy of a young family and do not violate her personal space. There is no doubt that you love your son. But the noise that sometimes comes from behind the closed door makes you immediately want to intervene and protect your son! Such a desire arises so spontaneously that you yourself do not understand how you find yourself in sovereign territory, and establish your own rules there! Do not forget that in such cases you will most often be surprised that your son will tell you that he does not need your support and the young, forgetting about mutual claims, will take up arms against you. Do you really want your son and daughter-in-law to "befriend you"?
5. Discuss problems as they arise, rather than hoarding to a state "critical charge". This does not mean that every evening you need to sit down at the negotiating table and start the "debriefing". Do not try to show your dissatisfaction on every trifling occasion and make a problem where it was not even mentioned. Issues worth discussing include:

• Financial participation of a young family in general expenses;
• “duty schedule” and apartment cleaning;
• visits of their friends at any time of the day or night;
• silence mode in your home;
• the time of joint morning or evening services, readings, prayers.

Adult civilized people are always able to convey their wishes to each other in an adequate and civilized form. Discuss, talk, say what kind of help you would like to receive. One consulting mother-in-law spoke about her claims in the following form: “Well, no! I am a proud woman, I respect myself, I will not ask for anything! I’d rather do everything myself until I overstrain, but I won’t humiliate myself! Why don’t they see that the potatoes are over?!” Can you imagine - they don't see!!! And if they do, they do not attach such great importance to this, because they have never replenished their reserves and do not know how to do this.

1. If young people leave to live separately, do not make a tragedy out of it. They are not running away from you, but TO THEM! This can be accepted as normal. They really want to be independent in their small, newly created state. Living separately, a man feels like the king of this state, and his wife, of course, is a queen! Give them the right and time to enjoy this beautiful position, for it may soon disappear like the morning mist. Then young people will learn to live according to their income and expenses, to solve problems and conflicts that arise. Let them try to do it themselves. Your good advice can help in this case: “Read Christian literature together in the evenings, where God teaches young spouses how such family problems are solved.”

A wonderful story of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is described in the Bible - Ruth and Naomi. This story can help solve many problems that arise between family members. Naomi did not want to violate the territorial boundaries of the personality of Ruth. She invited her to stay with her people, with her relatives, with her father and mother. What a wonderful person Naomi was, if a young woman wanted to stay with her forever, honoring her, respecting her mother-in-law so much that she did not want to live without her?!

Sometimes there are such troubles in the families of believers that the son marries a girl of another confession and no persuasion, prayers or explanations work. Even if this happened, there is only one way out: be, like Naomi, kind, understanding, showing the character of Jesus in life and relationships. Be a SECOND MOM for your daughter-in-law! Ruth left everything: her homeland, her people, her parents, friends, relatives, and went after her second mother to a distant and unfamiliar country. She entrusted herself to her mother-in-law like a loving daughter. And already being in the country of her mother-in-law, she took care of her as of her own mother. The Lord blessed this amazing relationship in a way that these two grief-stricken women never expected or hoped for. When Ruth married Boaz, she did not leave her mother-in-law. She became the grandmother of a grandson born from the new husband of her daughter-in-law, Ruth. They stayed together forever!

If, nevertheless, two families have to live in the same territory, then problems in relations will inevitably arise and you need to learn how to solve them constructively. The most common mother-in-law mistakes:

1. The mother-in-law is used to commanding her children, her husband, colleagues, random passers-by, she always maintains a directive tone in relations with a young family. Her opinion is very popular for the mother-in-law: “She does not want to take note of my opinion, although it is the only correct one! And in general - I'm older and smarter, and I have the right to respect for myself! After several not very pleasant skirmishes, it can be easier for the daughter-in-law to obey even the absurd requirements of the mother-in-law, so as not to enter into lengthy discussions. The mother-in-law triumphs, not suspecting that she has sowed seeds of discord in her son's family. After some time, the husband discovers that his wife is not in a hurry to fulfill her household duties, because the husband's mother still has her own plans, which she will certainly fulfill, regardless of her opinion. Relations cool down, gradually turning into a “quiet swamp”, where there is no joy, but there is a command to be fulfilled.
2. There is a very great desire to change the daughter-in-law to her liking, so that her son, in her opinion, would have a better life. “If she tried to change a little, then she herself would be better!” she thinks so. Some mothers-in-law know in advance what exactly their daughters-in-law must change in themselves so that life is easy and fun in their son's house. They try to re-educate these poor daughters-in-law, bringing them to tantrums or depression, but at the same time they forget that their sons loved their wives exactly as they are, without any special changes. Let these proposals be discussed in a young family and decisions made by them - how and in what they need to change.
3. “The daughter-in-law does not consider our habits!” The reason for such a claim may be in the different pace of life of two families, in different modes, in different ways to relax. What is normal for young people is a source of constant headache for older people: phone calls at midnight, laughter and loud talking of friends at evening gatherings, an empty refrigerator by regular visitors, etc. Parents have the right to their habits, and if young people do not allow you to have a normal rest - immediately sit down at the negotiating table.

Avoid these common mistakes and you will make your children's lives happy.

I want to wish every mother-in-law to do everything so that your daughters-in-law feel your motherly love, and still call you from the bottom of their hearts - MY SECOND MOM!

A modern woman tries to sit on eight chairs at once, not even two. She needs to be successful in her career, a good mother, wife, mistress, daughter, what can I say - we are all trying to be a superwoman. It's just that it brings happiness to few people.

In the modern world, it is difficult to meet all the characteristics of the “ideal mother“. Women have shouldered a million worries, and it is quite logical that not all tasks are carried out with high quality. As a result - depression and constantly pressing thought: "I'm a bad mother."

In this fuss, we often forget about the main thing: just to be happy. Read the nine commandments of happy mothers:

1. Don't try to be perfect.

The concept of "ideal" is very relative, so don't try to be the perfect mom. They simply do not exist, since any mother is an ordinary person with a set of advantages and disadvantages, emotional reactions, fears. A child does not need a know-it-all mother, because he is brought up not by a robot, but by a person. It is important for him to hold on to his mother's warm hand, to see how she smiles, to play pranks together. When a child understands that his mother is an ordinary living person, he himself will behave more naturally.

2. Don't be a martyr

No need to take on a million worries, and then get upset and complain that everything is falling out of your hands, there are no assistants around, everything rests on you alone. Your family needs a positive mother, not a driven horse that is on the verge of a hysterical fit.

Do not take on everything at once, do not try to do everything perfectly - no one requires this from you. And distract yourself: going to the movies with your husband is a great way to pass the evening, at least once a week.

3. Don't blame yourself

As soon as a woman gives in, she begins to blame herself for the fact that nothing comes out of her. There are other mothers on the playground looking so happy, they probably have time for everything. But you try to speak frankly with one of them, and you will hear a lot of interesting things.

4. Enjoy the little things

In our difficult time, there are only frustrations all around, and sometimes it is very difficult to find a reason for joy. But it is necessary! You can not live under the constant yoke of trouble. Learn to enjoy the simplest things: the sun, the first dandelions, children's laughter, ridiculous phrases. Being happy is easier than you think.

5. Laugh

You need to look at everything with humor, otherwise you can lose your common sense. Joke and laugh more often with your baby, tell him funny stories, play together.

6. Have breakfast and dinner with your family

7. Spend money on yourself

Moms always try to save on themselves, but buy the best for the child. Undoubtedly, there are things that children simply need, but forgetting about yourself is unforgivable. Why spend 800 hryvnia on children's jeans if they get dirty in puddles in the same way and are torn like jeans for 300? Do not forget about your own needs and small joys, without this a woman lives a very sad life.

8. Get enough sleep

Yes, with children, especially small ones, this is not always possible. But you need to try to build a regimen in such a way that the child has enough time to rest, and the parents can devote a couple of hours to each other and still stay up at two in the morning. Healthy sleep is very important, do not forget about it.

9. Don't cheat on yourself

Yes, with the advent of a child, you will grow up, become kinder, more sentimental, softer, but in your heart you will still be that girl who recently tied two tails to a school disco and secretly painted her lips from her mother.

Do not change yourself and your old habits: tired, legs do not hold - do not force yourself to cook dinner, order pizza. Keep it simple and never tell your children that you have lost a lot for them - this is a cruel mistake of many mothers.

And tell your friends often that you love them.

In my opinion, you can either be a happy mom or not be. On this topic, of course, you can argue a lot. But how do you imagine, for example, health at 50%, or charm at 70%? That is, am I half healthy, or am I 2/3 beautiful? True, it sounds at least strange. Therefore, I concluded for myself that a person can only be happy as a whole.

To be honest, I did not immediately come to such a conclusion, but through a bunch of mistakes and bumps that I filled on the way to my happiness. After all, the most important thing for a mother is, first of all, children! Their health and well-being, success and ability. But no less important role is played by the health of the mother herself, and her success, self-realization and well-being. Agree that when the children are doing well, then the soul is joyful. And if at this moment your health leaves much to be desired, or, as they say, finances sing romances, or reflection in the mirror after waking up can make you stutter, then somehow all joyful moments fade. Of course, there are mothers who absolutely do not care how they look or what they are wearing, the main thing is that the children are all right. And this is their choice! The main thing is that they are happy with it!

But, in my opinion, everything in life should be harmonious. And mother is the most important example for her child, a role model. After all, our children copy us, our actions, views on life. And I think that in order to become a happy mother, you first need to become just happy and determine which aspects in this area you need to pay special attention to. Let's mentally divide our lives into several areas: health, beauty, self-realization, finances, everyday life, recreation, relationships. Agree that if any of these areas suffers, then harmony is broken. What is important for a woman as a mother? Again, the health of the child, his relationships with peers and adults, his abilities (it's nice to be proud of your treasure).

I still remember an incident from my life. I have an anniversary - 30 years. There are twenty guests. Everyone says toasts - beautiful pleasant words. And somewhere on the seventh toast, I notice that everyone is saying almost the same thing. What a wonderful mother, hostess I am, how everything is fine in my house: cleanliness, comfort, the menu is always the first, second, third .., the children are full, healthy, etc. ... But for some reason, somewhere in the depths a worm began to swarm in the soul - something was wrong ... For some reason, it was not joyful from all these pleasant words. And then I begin to understand that none of the guests said about what a simple woman. Not a mother, wife, mistress, but a woman! It was then that I made the main conclusion for myself: a happy mother should be, first of all, woman(with a capital letter).

And my younger brother added fuel to the fire. He was then only 18. He says: “Here you are 30, and what have you achieved in life?” There was no limit to my indignation: “Well, I gave birth and (at that time) I am raising two sons!” And then my fire subsided. I could not continue the list of my achievements. Those. I developed and improved many areas of my life. I have healthy, successful children, cleanliness and comfort at home, but I completely forgot about myself. And if you don’t remember yourself, then why should others remember about it.

Dear mothers, remember yourself and love yourself! Try to set aside time to take care of yourself as well (because each of you has a little girl who needs your love and care first of all). And believe me, your children will immediately feel it, because the world of childhood has its own special energy! Live with pleasure and joy!

Mom of three and writer Pamela Druckerman, who published the bestselling book French Kids Don't Spit Food, shared with her readers some rules that will allow any woman who has children to become the best and happiest mother.

In her book, she tells why French children are so obedient, and mothers, even with babies, always have enough time for themselves and their husbands. So, let's reveal the secrets of happiness of French mothers.

To be a good mom, remember that perfect moms don't exist.

It sounds almost like a slogan, especially for working women who are torn between everyday life and family, besides trying their best to make everything perfect. And French women have a favorite quote: "Perfect mothers do not exist." Remind yourself of this often if you want to be a good mom.

Pamela says that French mothers in raising children pay great attention to developing their concentration of attention, the formation of social skills, teach them sociability and self-control. While other mothers force children to learn numbers and read.

Every happy mom should have her own source of income.

Maybe this rule will make you not so happy and a good mother as it will inspire confidence in the future. After all, you never know what will happen tomorrow. Therefore, French mothers, having wealthy husbands, are still convinced that any woman should have her own source of income. It is possible that in one day everything can collapse.

To become a good mother and at the same time a happy woman - take care of yourself

Another secret Pamela Druckerman shares is that French moms don't spend all their time with their kids. French women are sure: if a mother revolves only around a child, this is, first of all, bad for him. Therefore, if you want to become a good mother, do not give up your favorite passion or hobby. Sometimes you need to make time for yourself. It can be the work itself, but only if it gives you pleasure.

From time to time moving away from the child, you become not just a happy mother, but even a better one.

If a child feels your constant presence, he may become dependent in adulthood. This doesn't mean you have to leave the kids for weeks. Just do not bother your baby with constant care, let him have time to miss you. Believe that after a little separation, you will not stop being a good mother.

Forget the guilt if you want to be a good mom

There is no point in feeling guilty towards the child for the fact that you work or take care of yourself. To be a good mother, it is important to communicate with your child in your free time - listen to him, play with him, teach patience. In general, to become the best mother in the world for a child.

Relationship with husband. How to become a happy wife?

Do not forget that at the heart of the family is a married couple. Paying attention not only to the child, but also to her husband, a woman becomes happier. In France, all parental space belongs to the child only for the first three months.

A French woman once said to a writer: “My parents' bedroom was a sacred place in the house. I needed a very good reason to go there. Between parents there has always been a certain connection, which seemed to us, children, a great secret.

You should not demand from your husband equal participation in household chores and childcare Even if you work, do not force your husband to do household chores in an equal part with you. In addition to irritation and discontent, you will get nothing. For conservative French women, overall harmony in relationships is more important than equality in rights.

The evening is adult time, and one day off a month is your honeymoon weekend.
Parents in France dedicate the weekend only to themselves once a month. It can be dinner, going to the cinema or theater. Work and children are not involved in this. Such a useful and effective rest from parental worries contributes to feeling like happy parents.

And the last thing to be a good mom is to be the boss for your kids.
Pamela writes: “This is the most difficult rule of French parenting - to realize that I make decisions. “I am the boss, but not a dictator - that is essential. I give children a lot of freedom where possible, take into account their opinions and listen to their wishes, but I make the decisions.” Remember this. You are at the top of your own family pyramid.” Be happy!!

“I am indeed a mother of two daughters (Diana 7.5 years old and Milana 3.5 years old), a happy wife and a time management business coach. And, to answer the question posed, perhaps I will describe my personal 10 rules for a successful mother:

1. Take responsibility for everything that happens to you.

Stop becoming a “victim” and believing that someone should solve all your problems for you and deal with your failures. Neither the husband, nor the parents, nor the relatives, nor your cat, nor, moreover, the children, by and large, do not owe you anything. Only you are responsible for your own life and for what it will be: happy, rich and bright or monotonous, gray and unhappy.

2. Dream and learn to understand yourself

The catch here is that people often know very well what they don't want, but don't really understand what they really want out of life. Once upon a time, not in the best condition, disappointed in life, I came across an exercise called “My Perfect Day”. Now I can’t believe that in order to cope with it, I had to spend more than one day describing what should be present in this day. My convolutions were tense no less than the muscles of an athlete in the gym tense. But what wonderful bonuses were when I clearly realized what I would like to do, what I would like to see my life, and worked to realize all this.

3. Do what you love!

This rule once led me into the training business. I radically changed the nature of my activity and, despite the lack of experience in the new field, I believed in myself. My perseverance and perseverance allowed me today to do what I get high from and do work for which I am even ready to pay extra. For more than 6 years, the question of how to motivate yourself to work has not been worth it at all. This rule also contributes to the fact that after work I do not need a long rest, I am happy to take care of my children, my husband and home, as I am full of energy and inspiration, because I did not just work, but did what I love!

4. Plan and prioritize

Having chosen an active life position, you will definitely face a huge number of tasks that will haunt you everywhere: tasks related to everyday life, family, children and husband, tasks related to work and self-development, tasks related to spiritual growth and realization, social activities, etc. d. All this string of cases will not knock you off balance only if you make friends with a good planner.

Write in it all unfinished business, new incoming tasks, fix emerging ideas and your promises. Analyze: evaluate their duration, determine the available time resource and prioritize. Remember, it is impossible to do everything in the world, and do not forget about the Pareto principle: only 20% of our efforts lead to 80% of the result, and the remaining 80% of the efforts provide only 20% of the result. Therefore, your task is to focus on the most important. The rest of the tasks will either need to be optimized, or delegated, or simply crossed out. Based on this analysis, make a schedule for the day. This will allow you to put things in order in your head and not forget about the important. A clear mind is the key to good health and healthy sleep. Prioritization always helps to allocate time for the most important and discard the unnecessary.

5. Regularly set aside time for rest and for being alone with yourself.

In relation to rest, I will say the following: its quantity is not so much important as its quality and regularity. Be sure to take time during the day to rest, fill with strength and energy. Once an hour, 5-10 minutes for yourself will provide you with the opportunity to regularly replenish your life resource. Find an opportunity to give your body physical activity every day, and it doesn’t have to be going to the gym or swimming pool - even a 15-minute brisk walk in the park will help keep your body in good shape.

6. Use the benefits of civilization!

Now there are so many different devices that can make life easier for the modern active mother that it's just silly not to use them! Sling is the most ingenious invention of man, as for me. Having a baby in my arms, with his help and with the help of my favorite sling jacket, I could be mobile in any weather, go to the office, pick up my eldest daughter from the garden, cook, do household chores, meet friends, go shopping without leaving my baby . The baby monitor allowed me to organize several productive hours every day for work - the baby in the cradle slept on the balcony, and I could calmly concentrate on work.

I also can’t imagine how I would cope with a baby without a breast pump. The baby could be left for a few hours with her grandmother to spend time alone with her husband, go to the movies, to a concert or meet friends. The eldest daughter also often demanded undivided attention, and this allowed me to periodically spend time exclusively with her. We could roller-skate, visit children's entertainment centers, attractions and all those places where it is impossible to stay with a baby.

Often my husband stayed with the baby, and at that time I conducted master classes, trainings, went to the gym or went to photo courses. And everyone was happy: the baby always received breast milk on demand, the husband and eldest daughter received their dose of undivided attention, and I did not turn into a hostage of the baby and life.

7. Don't be afraid to ask for help and don't refuse when it's offered.

Do not think that it is shameful to ask your parents, relatives, husband or older children for help. You are one team and should support each other. My situation at this stage allows me to do without a nanny, however, if I had to, I would also use this option.

8. Don't blame yourself if something doesn't work out.

Learn not to get upset if something does not go according to plan, accept everything as it is, without getting irritated and enjoying the moment that you are now living. Unforeseen circumstances with young children are not uncommon, but rather even a pattern. But when planning, I always allocate time for force majeure and actively use a monthly plan in my life. In it, I reflect both my employment and the planned events in the life of my husband and children in order to see in advance possible overlays and not get into situations where it is necessary to “put out the fire”.

Planning for the month helps me anticipate and deal with such fires early. The "technique of the evening analysis of the lived day" also works great. To do this, at the end of each day, before going to bed, ask yourself three questions: What did I manage to do today and why? What did I fail to do today and why? What will I change in my actions tomorrow to improve my results?

9. Combine tasks!

Cleaning the apartment, cooking, bathing and dressing the child can be combined with the game - and everyone has fun, and the job is done! Keeping yourself in physical shape helps gymnastics for mothers with the baby. By doing homework, you can also engage in self-development - audio books, lectures or just good music make this process both useful and exciting. But this rule does not apply to work that requires full concentration of attention. Here, combining tasks can lead to a loss of time and quality of work performed.

10. Be flexible!

Consider different options that will allow you to combine career, family, self-development and creativity. If at this stage it seems to you that this is impossible, then this is not a sentence. Study the experience of other active ladies and record their successful actions, and suddenly one of these options can be applied in your situation. For myself, I chose this option of working during the decree: the vast majority of the time I work at home: I conduct webinars, write articles, be active on the net, etc. However, once or twice a week I go to trainings, in addition, I conduct several on-site workshops and seminars a week, a weekly staff meeting and meetings with clients also take place outside the home. This mode allows me to spend more time with the children, and at this stage it is comfortable for me. But I understand that this will not always be the case!”