“He can’t hear me!” or how to reach your husband. What to do when your husband doesn't understand you My husband says I can't hear him

Hello, dear readers of the blog site! Is it possible to change the person with whom you have decided to link your destiny and live happily for many, many years? Every girl is sure that she can do this, but she must first get married, have children and raise her husband.

She will cope and will definitely correct his character a little, explain what his mother was never able to do.

And in the end he will receive ideal man, which she will remake to suit herself.

As soon as a wife begins to re-educate her husband, she begins hard, endless and completely useless work, which is called very simply: monkey work.

It is impossible to change a person, because when you meet your future husband, you already see an established personality in front of you. With certain advantages, because you liked him precisely for this, and disadvantages.

If something is bothering you in your relationship, do not remain silent and do not try to change your spouse. It's better to talk to sort everything out, but you shouldn't get angry and beat yourself up trying to change someone who will never change.

Latest news by e-mail so you don't miss valuable information.

If in a relationship a man and a woman do not hear each other, it is a disaster. The question is how did you even get together if you speak different languages?

But there is always a chance to reach an agreement. You just need to find the point of no return, from which you stopped understanding each other.

And don’t forget: if the public doesn’t hear the speaker, that’s the speaker’s problem in the first place. I picked up 5 main reasons, according to which understanding has left your relationship.

Take notes and work on your mistakes!

1. You are silent

The husband is dissatisfied with something, and you are silent in a rag, thinking to yourself “ endure, fall in love"- . Did you do this often? Confess in the comments.

Staying silent in this situation is like being on a low-carbohydrate diet: sooner or later you will break down.

2. You have nothing in common

There can be two simple options here: either your life goals are at different poles, or you equally do not strive for anything and this irritates you in a friend.

In order to be understandable to a man, you must first be understandable to yourself. Do you know what you want? What kind of life are you striving for in a year or two?

People and their reactions are our mirror reflection. If you don't understand yourself, a man will never understand you. He simply has nowhere to get this information.

He “reads” the emotional, and the ability to formulate his “I want and will” directly affects this very state.

In addition to outlined desires, a woman is capable of very accurate visualization. Here is the answer to the question “How to inspire and?”.

If you voice your desire colorfully, brightly and childishly naively, you become understandable to a man. His motivation is to make you truly happy.

3. He will think the wrong thing

I am often asked how to communicate with a man while already in a relationship. "How to say? How to find an approach? Women are different - the problems are the same.

Many women tend to live by guesswork and invent things that really don’t exist. To think that a man will judge you for your request, refuse help, and shame you for your own opinion.

And much of this is spinning in a woman’s head even before it is voiced to a man. These are all echoes of mistakes in upbringing and negative experiences of past relationships.

Good luck,
yours Yaroslav Samoilov.

Women often complain that a man listened and listened, but heard nothing. They get offended because they think men are ignoring them. This is wrong. They really can't hear. And it's in their brain.

On the online course male psychology I analyze in detail the difference between the male brain and the female brain. And now we are interested in only one property - the ability to concentrate.

The female brain has many more neural connections between the hemispheres and is evolutionarily specialized to perceive multiple sensory signals AT THE SAME TIME. Difficult? Let me explain simply.

Let's imagine prehistoric women who gathered while men went hunting. The female brain had to give a signal to her hands to pick up a berry, her eyes to look for the next one, her speech apparatus and hearing to shout to her friends so as not to get lost, and once again her vision and hearing to observe the surroundings in order to react in time to the appearance of wild animals. And all this AT THE SAME TIME. The woman’s brain developed the ability to multi-track—simultaneously performing many different tasks and obtaining information. This is why a woman can easily talk on the phone, watch a TV show, cook borscht and look after her child at the same time. For women, it is not difficult to drive a car, talk on the phone and put on makeup at the same time. And when friends talk, they often talk and listen at the same time, while also maintaining a conversation on several topics at once. Women are born Caesars.

This ability shocks men because their brain is mono-tracking, that is, it can usually process only one sensory channel at a time, so the man behind the wheel, so that his wife does not distract from the road, asks her to be silent. When a man watches a TV movie, his brain is absorbed only in this process and he does not take literally everything that his wife tells him. The woman thinks that the man is ignoring her.

This feature of the male brain developed evolutionarily during his traditional activity - hunting. Remember a leopard that is about to attack an antelope - this is the utmost concentration only on prey, any extraneous factors will only interfere and the male brain has learned to cut them off. Therefore, you cannot distract a hungry man while eating - he is completely focused on this important process and will growl and get angry like a dog whose bone is taken away. The same goes for watching a movie or sports program– don’t try to tell him anything at this time, he simply won’t hear. Wait for the advertisement. The male brain performs processes SEQUENTIALLY, not simultaneously. Therefore, men go to the store with a shopping list, sequentially moving from item to item.

What practical conclusion can be drawn from this information? If you want a man to hear and understand you, do not give out a lot of information at the same time. Give in portions, CONSISTENTLY and only when the man is LOOKING AT YOU (remember the leopard: looking means concentrated).

In this article we’ll talk in more detail about what to do if “my husband doesn’t understand me.” And also about the reasons for the partner’s “bad” behavior.

If we raise our hand vertically and look at our palm, and another person standing opposite also looks at our hand at that moment, he will see not the palm, but the back of the hand, because he is looking from the other side. The same thing happens in life with situations, relationships, with human personalities. We always see one picture, and another person sees another.

The thing is that we get used to seeing our relationships in a certain way, we get used to dwelling on the negative aspects. We become so immersed in them, we devote so much energy and time to them that this habit overshadows everything else, and it is very difficult for us to switch to something else.

Your partner looks at your relationship as this hand differently. You can insist as much as you like that your relationship is like this, but he will say that it is different. He looks at other moments that are important to him.

Therefore, it is important to learn, if not to look at relationships from different sides, then at least to assume that our point of view is not the only one. When your partner says something, or you see that he is bored in the relationship and wants to run away from home, do you not understand this? This means you view your relationship differently, and it's time to discuss it.

Every person in a relationship wants to feel loved.

How much do you give yourself and your partners a feeling of love, how often do you tell him that he is okay, that you love him, how often do you hug him? Everyone wants to feel loved and strong.

We do things to make our loved ones feel stronger. When you notice that your partner is being harmful, it means that most likely he does not feel strong in your relationship, he has to “push through” his authority.

A strong person does not need confirmation of this, he feels his strength, and if he demonstrates it, it means he does not have this feeling.

People also want to feel significant, important, to see that you support them and hear them. Tell your partner often: “What a great idea you have. I don’t want to go somewhere without you, I’d rather stay with you.” Let him know that he matters.

And the last criterion, important for partners, is the feeling that they have a home, it is important for them to feel protected, to know that they come home and can relax, can do what they want, that they are accepted here for who they are.

These qualities are especially pronounced in children; if this is not the case, they become very nervous and irritated. But partners are the same children and also feel the need for protection.

What to say to your partner

It is important that you organize all this yourself, and not him. You are in the position of a parent, you know more, you can influence more. And if love is not enough for you, you can say: “I will be very pleased if you hug me, kiss me, if you say kind words to me.”

Or: “It’s important for me that you support me in this idea.” Some do not say such words, citing the fact that they do not know what will come of it. But if you don’t try anything new in a relationship, then nothing will change.

If your partner exhibits “bad behavior”, it means that he is disappointed, depressed, and does not know what to do.

When a person, relatively speaking, behaves badly, he simply asks for help: “I can’t cope, I feel disgusting, I don’t know what to do next.”

Determine what he is missing. What works, what doesn’t work, where he is disappointed. In general, this is the stumbling block of most relationships. Once you determine this, think about what to do so that he doesn’t feel this way?

Often it is enough to simply listen, show interest in your partner and what is happening to him: “I see you are upset today. Something happened? Maybe you want to tell me how you are?”

But it is also important to show respect for his personal territory. Does he even want help, or is it important for him to be alone? We are all different, so everything that happens in your relationship is important to both of you.

Only you two decide what your relationship will be like.

The basis correct behavior in relationships – superposition “I am the reason for everything that happens in my relationships.”

If you slide from this foundation, you will immediately fall into the position of a victim: “This is who he is, these are the circumstances” - or you will begin to scold yourself.

We need to approach this from the other side: “If I am the cause of everything that happens, then I can improve everything. If I have built all this, if I have created all this, then I will move towards what seems best to me. I can talk to him to improve something.”

A position of responsibility gives you the strength to move on, to where you want to go. This is an opportunity to improve everything. In couples, we are selected according to the principle of a mosaic, we are suitable for each other, we can be very useful to our partner, but only when we value this in ourselves. When we delegate, share powers in a family team, then there is a lot of respect, then we can be very effective in what we do. Irina Udilova

They got married and lived happily ever after (until the wedding) - that’s the end of the fairy tale. Harsh everyday life began. And you have to do everything yourself for your husband. He doesn't respond to requests. I asked them to tighten the faucet - and you wait three years. Doesn't want to fulfill requests at the snap of a finger. (How dare he?) This happens quite often. And you get the feeling that you are communicating with a wall.

If there is no mutual support and warm feelings in a marriage, resentment and anger towards a partner turn into eternal scandals and showdowns. Both of them get tired of such relationships.

It seems to you that this is all over. You can leave at any time. But relationships are constant work. And until you start analyzing and looking for the causes of the problem, they will not go away. And it’s not a fact that old problems won’t arise again in a new relationship.

The most important thing is not to rush off the handle, but sit down and think. What turned your loving husband into a deaf representative of the sofa race? Maybe the reason lies in your attitude?

Often married women behave completely differently. We become tougher and often take on the responsibilities that rightfully belong to a man. The husband even manages to hint that it’s time to stop. But no. You are a woman, you are strong. And if it’s not your way, then you need to do it yourself.

We learned this from our grandmothers and mothers. But they had no other choice. Most often, they raised children themselves, so you don’t want to, but you have to be strong and fully self-sufficient. While the wife gradually turns into a woman who “does everything herself,” the husband gets used to the fact that everything will be done for him. After all, he himself will definitely not cope as needed.

Why is he ignoring you?

In every family, sooner or later, contradictions arise. Couples who understand that they are not alone, that everything can be solved through conversations and compromises, solve their problems together. Others don't know how to do this. They just accumulate grievances, disappointment in their partner, and sadness. They eat themselves up from the inside, not realizing all the negativity, and their attitude towards their partner changes.

When a woman gets it into her head that her man is not able to do anything without her, that’s it. One might say that the husband is doomed to an eternal feeling of guilt and inability. You can say that many people live this way. Is that really what you want? Men feel when a woman's attitude changes. When her support ceases to be strong, he becomes wary. Perhaps your spouse tried to find out from you what was going on, but you backed down. And he gave you time. Each time it takes more and more time. And in the end he just scored.

When a wife cannot cope with negative feelings, everything can be heard from her intonation. Even if she doesn’t want to talk directly to her husband about it, her gestures, facial expressions and energy will speak for her. Turning to her husband, she is already subconsciously set up for scandal and disappointment. Or at least that her request, even the smallest one, will not be fulfilled.

These are the moments in family life and lead to the husband not hearing his wife. He just doesn't want to hear what you tell him. He still loves you if he doesn't leave or respond. But his patience is running out.

Your grievances do not give you the opportunity to establish communication. Any phrase, even harmless, in his direction will sound like an insult or humiliation. You speak with such a face and intonation that the man no longer wants anything. A man cannot be good for long under such conditions. Next to you, he begins to feel like a loser, a “man” who constantly cannot cope. Especially if you remind him of this every time. Your partner turns into a mollusk - as soon as he hides in the house. Only he hides behind a mask of indifference.

The husband's guilt makes him run away from you, from your requests. He already understands that he is unable to do anything correctly. There's no point in starting if you're not going to be happy anyway. So why bother?

His resources to carry out any actions for the benefit of the family have ended. There is none of them. Your husband doesn't hear you because he doesn't want to. He just can't be always wrong anymore. None of the people want this.

What can be done?

Understand yourself, your attitude towards your husband. You see, all the problems and claims that you accumulate within yourself are like a snowball. When there are enough of them, every little thing is superimposed with a new layer, and the lump becomes larger and larger. It occupies the entire space of possible feelings, blocking all others.

It is impossible to live if you are consumed by negative emotions. Happy woman smiles sincerely and is happy with her life. Her man is ready to fulfill any request. In such a situation, you need to start with yourself. Small workshop. Sit in front of the mirror and ask yourself the question: “What feeling am I conveying that my husband doesn’t want to talk to me?” Answer yourself honestly. Surely this is a claim, resentment, anger.

When you are filled with negative feelings, you cannot have fun. You are closed to positive emotions from your husband. Your thoughts are focused only on the negative. Could you live under such pressure? Imagine that it is the husband who behaves like this. If you were in his place, you would have done the exact same thing. She would silently avoid the problem. Or even worse, she would retaliate.

Family psychologist Alla Pilipyuk

Understand that this is hard for you to deal with too. When things go wrong in the family, other areas of life suffer. Based on my practice, I can say that these issues are best resolved with a specialist. It is almost impossible to cope with this on your own. But you also need to start yourself.

If you know where your negative feelings are directed, you can discuss them with your partner. Just without scandals and hysterics. Calmly discuss: “I don’t like this and that. Let's decide something!”

tell friends