Secrets of raising successful and confident girls. Raising self-esteem in a child Rules for the formation of a child's self-esteem

We live in a society where freedom is one of the key values. We yearn to throw off all limitations and overcome boundaries. We want to bring up our children free and independent. But, as practice shows, you can become free only by imposing certain restrictions on yourself.

British psychologist Robert McKenzie believes that all parenting experience fits into a three-dimensional approach to raising our children. According to the scientist's concept, most of us use one of three parenting strategies: permissiveness, authoritarian or democratic.

Three approaches to parenting

Who will deny something to a beloved child? We are ready to do everything possible and impossible for our child. We are ready to "hurt ourselves", but buy him whatever he wants and do not forbid him to do what he wants. This is the permissive approach.

Its main motto is everything for children. Parents using this strategy are afraid to throw their children off balance. Usually, such adults take part in solving all the problems of children, and those, in turn, grow up with the conviction that parents always owe them everything, that rules exist for others, but not for them.

Some parents try to shape and control the behavior of their children in an authoritarian manner in accordance with their ideas about the standards of education(usually unrealistically overpriced).

Children must comply with the requirements of their parents. They are obliged to be obedient to authorities, to be busy with work and respect the traditionally established order. All problems are solved with the help of force, through the "winner-loser" strategy. Parents in such families direct and control the child in everything.

Their children grow up with the knowledge that communication and problem solving is painful, and that solving all issues lies in the responsibility of the parents, and their voice is not taken into account. In such conditions, children often rebel, take revenge on their parents, burst into anger, or, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves and withdraw into themselves.

Parents who choose a democratic way of upbringing are guided by the idea that children are able to solve their problems on their own, they only need to be motivated to cooperate with an adult. These parents tend to give their children room to choose and let them learn from their mistakes. They are focused on cooperation with children, the implementation of the "winner-winner" strategy, their relationship is full of mutual respect, children are actively involved in solving problems. In such conditions, children learn well responsibility, cooperation, the ability to choose and draw conclusions from their actions.

The presence of such boundaries helps to introduce clear principles of behavior and to discover the child's expectations towards him. They also determine the balance of power in the family and establish a hierarchy. family relations... Numerous studies confirm that children with such boundaries grow up with dignity and self-confidence.

The same studies indicate that in families where parents treat children with cordial tenderness and warmth, control them within reasonable limits, while putting high demands on them, children grow up more adapted to independent successful life.

Therefore, the third of the proposed models can be called the “golden mean” model and proposed as the most environmentally friendly and successful parenting strategy.

Three approaches to parenting

Some parents try to shape and control the behavior of their children in an authoritarian manner in accordance with their ideas about the standards of education(usually unrealistically overpriced).

The presence of such boundaries helps to introduce clear principles of behavior and to discover the child's expectations towards him. They also determine the balance of power in the family and establish the hierarchy of family relationships. Numerous studies confirm that children with such boundaries grow up with dignity and self-confidence.

Therefore, the third of the proposed models can be called the “golden mean” model and proposed as the most environmentally friendly and successful parenting strategy. published by

Alexander Dober

P.S. And remember, just by changing our consumption - together we are changing the world! © econet

Children need rights for self-esteem. And also - belief in yourself. Therefore, it is our swami's job to have faith in our child. Believe with all your might, no matter what happens. And then he will learn to believe in himself. Will grow up as a self-confident person. From the statements: “My mother always believed in me. I often heard from her: “I believe in you. You can handle it. " I will never forget the feeling that I experienced every time I heard this: pride in myself, confidence in my abilities. Straightened the shoulders. And I learned to believe in myself. Her faith still supports me in life ”.

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Consultation for parents

How to Raise Your Child with Dignity

All my life I have squeezed a slave out of myself drop by drop.

A.P. Chekhov

What is behind the famous saying of A.P. Chekhov? Why do people remember it and say it so often? How is a slave different from any other person? And what does all this have to do with the topic of parent-child relationships?

Let's try to figure it out. We look at Ozhegov in the Explanatory Dictionary:

"Slave. In a slave-owning society: a person who is deprived of all rights and means of production and who is the complete property of the owner - the master who disposes of his work and life. "

A person deprived of all rights is who is a slave. Apparently, every person has the right not to be someone else's property and to completely dispose of his work and his life. And the less slavishness we and our children have inside, the more self-esteem there will be.

Children need rights for self-esteem. And also - belief in yourself. Therefore, our swami's job is to believe in our child. Believe with all your might, no matter what happens. And then he will learn to believe in himself. Will grow up as a self-confident person. From the statements: “My mother always believed in me. I often heard from her: “I believe in you. You can handle it. " I will never forget the feeling that I experienced every time I heard this: pride in myself, confidence in my abilities. Straightened the shoulders. And I learned to believe in myself. Her faith still supports me in life ”.

Criticism is one of the main reasons for low self-esteem. The child does not have to be the perfection that we have invented for ourselves. He lives for the first time, and not everything should work out for him from the first one at once. Talk about your feelings using “I-statements”. Do not give negative messages - they can leave an emotional scar throughout your life.

Negative messages are what the child hears in his address quite often: “Nothing will come of you! You dumbass! You will be a janitor! " They can poison a person's life, or they can determine his fate. And further. Our children study with us. If we ourselves are sloppy, what right do we have to demand accuracy from a child? It's just not fair. You have to start with yourself!

Why do we love to criticize and not praise and support so much? Probably because in childhood we were not really pampered with praise either. There are also quite definite attitudes: "How not to praise, otherwise he will be arrogant", "Modesty adorns a person." So parents are afraid to praise their son or daughter once again. And it is imperative to praise! Remember how you felt when someone praised you as a child. Wings grow behind your back! And what energy you charge!

A person is born without knowing what he is. To a small child and there is nothing to do with this: he is good or bad, handsome or not very good. He simply lives and enjoys life if he is surrounded by love, attention, care. And only then he finds out whether he is smart or stupid, handsome or scary, capable or so-so. And the most important assessment for him is the assessment of his parents. For it is they who are the most significant people for the growing baby. With what eyes they look at him, so he will look at himself. "You are handsome. You are smart. I love you. I believe in you ”- this is what is important for a child to hear from parents. But he often hears something completely different.

Adults sometimes do not realize that by angrily criticizing a child, they are simply discharging their anger and helplessness. Because they cannot do otherwise. Have not learned. This is how we were brought up once, and these stereotypes of upbringing have grown together with us. And although we swore that we would never raise our children the way our parents raised us, nothing came of it. In our shouts, we recognize my mother's and father's voice. And then there is a feeling that you are walking in a circle.

In order for a child with self-esteem to be all right, look for his dignity. Look how polite, affectionate, attentive he is, and what a good helper! Practice the compliment technique for five minutes before bed, sitting down on the child's bed. Daily! And then your son or daughter will not be recognized, and the relationship will noticeably improve.

What if something is not pleasant in the child's behavior? You just need to separate the personality of the child from his deed. Give an assessment of the deed, but in no case criticize the person. Applying “I-statements”, we speak about our feelings: “Petya! I love you very much. And I am annoyed by your clothes scattered all over the house. I want you to remove it! " We talk about our feelings about the child's act, but do not humiliate him.

We are parents - the first significant adults for our child. It is from us that he learns what kind of talented and handsome or "dumb freak" he is. And it is us that he infinitely believes. Children listen attentively, peer into our assessment, and gradually it develops into self-esteem, which can be positive or negative, overestimated or underestimated.

How is low self-esteem formed? Constant criticism that leads to emotional trauma, habitual negative messages, systematic suppression of will and initiative, violation of the child's rights up to physical punishment, high expectations, constant comparisons with those who are better, higher, further, more successful ... lose. "Look how neat Zinochka is, and you ..." Sometimes parents, comparing, set themselves up as an example: "I was an excellent student at your age, and you can hardly pull on Cs!" But this, unfortunately, does not help either the relationship or success. These are parental illusions that the child will follow the designated example, reach for him and become the way the parents yearn to see him. And you can never reach it, and the feeling of your own imperfection and inferiority only grows stronger.

In order for a child to have everything in order with self-esteem, he must be sure that he is loved, handsome, and smart. The child will never get tired of hearing, no matter how many times a day you repeat that you love him.There is never a lot of love, and do not be afraid to spoil it by this.

Literature:

Skovronskaya L.V. Parental class, or a Practical guide for doubting parents.- M .: Genesis, 2014.-328 p. - (Parent Library)

MOSCOW, October 17 - RIA Novosti. A person's self-esteem does not depend on his material well-being: for a janitor, it can be much higher than that of an oligarch. However, for people with disabilities, the opportunity to work and earn money makes them feel like a full-fledged member of society, according to experts and psychologists interviewed by RIA Novosti.

World Dignity Day, which is held annually on October 17 in more than 50 countries around the world, aims to draw public attention to fostering a sense of leadership and self-esteem. This is the second time this event is being held in Russia, and it is expected that special events for this day will be held at educational sites in Moscow, St. Petersburg and Ulan-Ude.

You may not be an oligarch ...

Each person has a sense of their own dignity, the only difference is that it is different for everyone, said psychotherapist Konstantin Olkhovoy. "One of the main determinants of the size of a sense of dignity may be the size of the line beyond which a person is ready to cross or not ready to cross and considers it unworthy of himself. Some consider it unworthy to humiliate and offend other people, while others believe that they should not reckon with the opinion strangers, "Olkhovoy noted.

According to him, the sense of dignity is determined by the upbringing of a person. A janitor's self-esteem can be much higher than, for example, an oligarch. "I think that the material side here plays a secondary role. It's another matter if a person, for example, from childhood was brought up so that only the rich can have self-esteem, then poverty for this person will have a determining factor," the expert believes.

Olkhovoy believes that in order to cultivate the correct sense of self-dignity in a person, it is important not only to love the child, but also to respect his views. “Too often we forget that a child is an independent person, with his own problems and joys. And the more we respect our own children, the more the child develops a sense of his own dignity. If the child sees that they are treated with respect to him, to other people , often it forms a sense of self-worth, not infringing upon the feeling of other people, but supporting oneself and others, "Olkhovoy said.

Decent upbringing

One of the main life lines in the development of a child is his relationship with his mother. In this relationship from the very early childhood either a basic trust in the world or distrust is born, says the vice-president of the Russian Society of Psychologists, academician of the Russian Academy of Education, Professor Alexander Asmolov. "Any sense of dignity is based on trust in the world and faith in yourself," he said.

He also believes that in a child, from early childhood, it is necessary to bring up responsibility for the actions that he commits. "Love alone without generating responsibility will not lead to the formation of self-esteem attitudes," the professor added.

From childhood, a child should learn not only to sympathize, but also learn to be happy for the people around him, the psychologist explained.

“We know that children from 5 to 7 years old can empathize enough with other children when they have a misfortune. However, children are very poorly able to rejoice for other children. , - added the psychologist.

Independence and autonomy

According to Mikhail Novikov, project manager of the regional public organization of disabled people "Perspektiva", a person acquires a sense of his own dignity when he feels independent and independent.

“A disabled person in Russia cannot fully feel independent, and it is independence that is the basis of self-esteem. Unfortunately, in our society there are many barriers for people with disabilities that they constantly have to face. who will help: climb the steps, go down from the curb, get into the building. You constantly have to look for someone's help. And this hits the dignity, the pride, "Novikov believes.

Nikolay Morzhin, executive director of the regional public organization Center for Curative Pedagogy, agrees with him.

“The level of dignity of each individual depends on the state of society as a whole. It is no longer so important whether he has a disability or not,” he is sure.

"It is important to find something to do in life. Nothing raises self-esteem like the opportunity to earn money. When you can invite your mother to a restaurant and pay for dinner, you rise not only in her eyes, but in yours too," says Novikov.

He also noted that the development of inclusive education, when children with disabilities can learn with their healthy peers, will allow children with disabilities to reach their full potential. Specialized correctional schools and boarding schools, he said, can lead to suppression of a child's self-esteem.

“Children in the boarding school are obliged to listen to their educators in everything, to follow the routine, not to contradict. And most importantly, their own opinion is not perceived by anyone,” he is sure.

An important role, according to him, is also played by upbringing in the formation of personality.

“Recently I witnessed an unpleasant scene. Mom brought her son with cerebral palsy to restorative classes, and I was struck by her conversation with the child. She told him:“ Get used to it, now we have to crawl like this all our lives ”... The child cries, she is harsh with him and constantly reminds him of his disability. This, of course, is wrong, "Novikov said.

We all live in a society and connect with a huge number of people. But, you must admit, it is different with everyone: you will never hear the word “no” from some, while others need an individual approach. It depends on the character in which self-esteem is laid as well. What is meant by it? To begin with, this is a kind of inner strength, self-esteem, an adequate level of self-esteem, an individual's awareness of his own significance and value. In relationships with the outside world, self-esteem manifests itself in a sense of internal boundaries and susceptibility to outside influence, including dubious actions.

Why you need to cultivate a sense of your own

Advantages of the child?

Your child's self-esteem needs to be nurtured for a better future for your son or daughter. Experts disagree on whether self-esteem is innate or acquired. But since this skill is tested in practice in society, we can say that self-esteem can be developed.

Scientists are sure that a person with low self-esteem, who is insecure, has an underestimated coefficient of self-esteem.

Parents who do not love and respect themselves cannot love their son or daughter either. At the same time, by developing a child's self-esteem, mothers and fathers, from childhood, lay the foundation for him to become an excellent father or mother in the future.

If a baby is abused, physically or psychologically, he does not develop a healthy concept of his “I”. In the future, it will be difficult for him to defend and protect himself, because his "I" associates him with humiliation. Typically, these children do not complain of pain, resentment, or even their parents. Such a child does not value or care for himself. We can say that he has no self-esteem at all. A humiliated child is more likely to treat their children as well.

How to cultivate a sense of dignity correctly?

Parents need to know how to build self-esteem in their child. All of our psychological trauma comes from childhood. Only mom and dad with self-respect can instill this necessary quality in a child by their example. That is, to teach the kid to accept himself as he is, to respect himself and appreciate his talents and skills. For example, if your daughter is artistic, energetic, knows how to communicate, is not shy about other people, then you can send her to a theater studio. If your son likes exact sciences, he is fond of computer science and physics, then it is worth considering computer courses or a robotics circle. That is, if mom and dad support the baby's talent, treat him with attention and respect, then in the future such a person will have self-confidence and self-esteem.

What to do if the child has formed

Low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem in a child is a reason for parents to think. To fix this, there are several recommendations.

How to deal with low self-esteem in children?

If a child has low self-esteem, parents need to know what to do.

Teach your toddler to notice the positive. For example, teach him to play the following game. Before going to bed, ask your child to recall five great things that happened in his life that day. It doesn't have to be big. A delicious breakfast at home or a good essay mark is enough. Thus, the baby will understand that good things always happen in his life.
Give your son or daughter the freedom to choose. If the child is independent, he realizes that most of the things in his life depend on himself. Ask him for advice in detail: what to do for lunch, how to celebrate New Year... But do not confuse freedom of choice and permissiveness. The main decisions in the life of a child until he comes of age must be made by adults.
Stop conflicts. They correctly point out that words can hurt and even kill. If you have a quarrel with your baby, do not blame him and make a scandal. Better to come to your senses and discuss the problem. You do not need to say the word "guilty (a)". Replace it with “responsibility”. Instead of “You are to blame,” say, “Any action has consequences. We need to be responsible for them. "
There is no need to demand more from the baby than he can give. Measure the number of years of the baby, his abilities and your desires. A 5-year-old child will not be able to take care of a newborn; a 15-year-old child is quite capable of doing this. If the baby is not able to do something because of his age, he will be depressed, he will think that he can’t do anything and nothing will come of it. Although in reality he just needs to grow up a little.