What to choose a child or a job. Child or career? You can have both! Which way to choose

Hysterical under my windows. Many blame the grandmother - they say that she does not hear the child and should be pitied. The momentary post continues.

Just now, returning home, my ears reacted to the whining: “Grandma, you’re bad, get out of here...”. I look around - the same boy. Grandma is different. Today there was no rolling on the ground, but the child’s speech is not replete with new words. SHOULD I SORRY HIM? The child's psyche is clearly disturbed. And it seems to me that it has been broken for a long time. Because a child receives such disorders at birth. Or even in utero. And in the first year and a half, all this charm of psychos Always shows. The pediatrician and neurologist told me about the difficulties that I would encounter with the grown-up Tanya during the first examination of the girl. And they were not mistaken. Unfortunately. Such children should be taken/carried to the doctor in infancy. Whoever didn’t look away and didn’t give a damn is late.

Returning to the situation with the boy and the fact that “they don’t hear him.” Two different adult women cannot fail to hear a child in the same way. They cannot react equally incorrectly. The child does not understand that THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. Either this is the norm in the family, or the child was not taken to the ICP on time. Why feel sorry for him? And, most likely, there is little that can be done. I feel sorry for myself. Yourself and your child, who will someday encounter such an idiot. And God forbid, he falls in love with such an inadequate person.

And now about the parents. Not about this boy's parents - I don't know them and will never know them. About parents on a global scale. What is more correct - to work and earn money, or to take care of the child, his development and health? A question to which everyone has their own answer. Even my husband and I have radically different opinions.

You can take care of your child, develop it, treat it (if necessary), etc. and so on. The diagnoses, if they do not disappear, will definitely be smoothed out by school. In the process of treatment. A child, as a result of regular developmental activities, can become a genius, at seven years old talking about the nuances of the Gothic style and speaking several languages. Can be. Or maybe it won't. He might get tired of it and adolescence, when he achieves relative freedom, the same child, whom his mother took care of day and night, will go into all serious troubles. And he will hate school. Although he will still know languages. He may not go into all serious troubles, but grow up to be a smart, reasonable and selfish person, but he doesn’t give a damn about his mother, who, according to his holy conviction, MUST devote all her free time to him.

If the parents do not care for the child(they work a lot or simply don’t want to), then he won’t know languages ​​other than Russian before school. And he won’t be able to skate, and he won’t be able to tell the difference between a movie and a theater. Such a child may become behind in class. Or he can become an excellent student who opens up a huge world of knowledge. He can become a rude brawler, sending everyone around. If such a child had any mental abnormalities, they would develop into God knows what. This is already an incurable sadness.

For the same working mothers and fathers, who don’t care about dancing for two-year-olds and Chinese from the cradle, who find it more interesting to go to work, a child can become a person with a healthy psyche, who is not overloaded with unnecessary knowledge and is not tormented by the fact that “this is necessary.” Such a child will be able to entertain/occupy himself, because he knows that mom and dad have no time to play trains with him and let him go bubble. The main thing is to hear a neurologist in the first months after the birth of this same child and draw the right conclusions.

What am I talking about? Besides, we don’t know what our children will be like in ten years. Genius or slow-wittedness is already in their genes and nurtured by the peculiarities of pregnancy, and this can only be corrected, but not changed. Mothers may reproach the teenager that “I gave you all my strength, but you are ungrateful.” Mothers can boast “I worked and raised you.” Mothers can tear their hair out: “I shouldn’t have worked, but taken him to doctors.” We don’t know what five-year-old Tan, Mash, Slav and Sash will grow up to be. Will they become diplomatic representatives in China or go rob a Chinese bank?

Whether or not to engage in developmental activities with a child is decided by each individual mother. This may or may not lead to genius. Mom herself decides what is easier for her (not the child, but her!) - to work, or to study which tree is the last to lose leaves. Ten years later, we will be rewarded for our own mistakes in upbringing and choosing a life direction.

The only thing I don’t understand and refuse to understand is, this is that you cannot help but take your child to specialists in the area in which the child has obvious deviations. This is unforgivable. But you can live perfectly well without applications.

I will not feel sorry for children who cannot control their emotions if they have passed the age of three. Because it is these children who then send teachers, bring gas canisters to school and beat old people on the streets. It is too late to feel sorry for such children and pity is already useless. The mothers of such children worked and had no time. Or they didn’t work, but believed that they could limit themselves to explanations and pronouncements. There are things that can only be corrected in the first years of life. Something like this.

My thoughts are aggravated at the moment by the fact that I was returning home after a business meeting with a friend. A friend of mine is smart and a hard worker. He plows like a horse, 25 hours a day. He builds a house and makes deals worth millions. Her son is diagnosed with hydrocephalus. The child has problems in many areas, including behavior. In the garden they complain, they kick you out of circles. Mom is working. Mom enjoys working. Even my Keshka uses such a mother as an example for me. I ask: “How do you have time to study with Kirill if you’re so busy?” "It is dealt with by speech therapists in kindergarten and I give him pills." Who will be more adequate at 15 years old, my Tanya or Kirill, time will tell. I don’t renounce anything.

There is such a concept as “damned questions of existence” (Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky). They are insoluble in our lives. One of them is probably: “Should a young mother work or not work?” Will my relatives curse me, call me a careless mother, will my child reject me? Will I become an unclaimed specialist, will I lose my qualifications, will I become completely stupid? Do I want to work at all, and if not, what do I want?

There are two views on motherhood and work:

1. “The main role of a woman is to become a mother, this is happiness and calling - to give new life. A child cannot live without his mother, she gives him confidence in the love of the world, she gives him a charge of inner peace for life. Mother and baby are connected by an invisible umbilical cord, and this connection is indestructible.”

2. “Mom needs to earn money to provide a decent life for the baby. Children always need toys, clothes, food. Paying for studies, courses, and entertainment is not a cheap pleasure. So we stayed at home for a little while, and it’s time to work. No one will wait for me at work for a long time, I must not lose my place.”

Two very reasonable options. Different and both correct. Here are a few more questions with complex answers:

Which modern mother felt inner harmony while constantly being with her child?

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Which modern mother suffered from the feeling of her own powerlessness and dullness from the daily routine?

Who struggled and couldn’t give their child anywhere: neither to grandmothers, nor to the kindergarten?

Who decided not to repeat their mistakes with a second child and sometimes live for themselves?

It's all about me. I have problems with the vessels of the head and chondrosis of the neck. So I sometimes go to the chiropractor. One day I went to see an osteopath and he said that the blood in my head was not circulating quite as it should. The doctor noted: “This is because you have to live at a fast pace, but you are artificially slowing down your life, adapting to an unusual rhythm. This happens to young mothers. It gives you a headache." I was so hooked by this. It hit me very hard. Why am I just helping a small and wonderful man live, but not living for myself? Is it so selfish and bad to want to live the way you want? Shouldn’t I want to go out somewhere by myself or with my husband, go to horse riding, go to another city for a concert? Or is this all childhood? After all, you never know who wants what. And the husband probably wouldn’t want to go to work either, but would rather play basketball with friends, grab a beer, and pick up girls. And it’s unlikely that he wants to go from his hectic work to our screaming house, where everyone needs something. Yes, we don't always do what we want. We need to do what we need to do.

But on the other hand, did I in vain receive a gold medal, a diploma with honors, and my favorite profession in order to “waste it” while my childless colleagues climb to the “peak of Olympus”? But I wonder if they would trade their work for a family? Maybe. But perhaps they will still start their own, and I will still have time to achieve heights at work. Definitely need to check it out.

My eldest son is almost 6 years old. Previously, he always wanted to be with me, cried, could not sleep without me. I rarely left him with his grandparents, and then only for a couple of hours. He was never able to go to the garden, so he sits at home with me. So now he needs me about a million times less than he did a couple of years ago. Why did I shed liters of tears over him? He doesn't remember it and doesn't appreciate it. He remembers that I didn't buy him ice cream last weekend. Yes, he doesn’t need me as much now, and in the future I will be even less so. He's already burdened by me sometimes. It turns out that too much effort goes to waste. But now it’s clear to me: I need a gap, air, not complete immersion in the child. Otherwise, I’m all such a motherly mother, living exclusively for her child, but I’m depressed. The child moves on, grows, but I don’t. I don’t want to do this again with my second baby. Otherwise, both of them will never see a happy mother. And if mom needs to work to be happy, so be it. Or whatever else mothers need to be happy. But, of course, we must try to remain a good mother. Not ideal, just good.

So, answering our reader’s question, I’ll summarize: try to be happy mom. Someone will always reproach you for either caring too much or not caring enough. But neither your health nor your child will appreciate extra efforts. Being a good, happy mom is better than being an ideal and unhappy mom.

Do you agree? Write in the comments!

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How to arrange it so that a child does not perceive his business mother as a bad mother?

We all remember the deplorable fate of Scarlett O'Hara... Remember? She, in full agreement with her solemn oath, set to work so zealously that the shops and sawmills absorbed all her attention, and it ended with her own children becoming afraid and tried to stay away from her, preferring the company of those “who understand.”

But this happens very often. Nowadays, many people believe that all sorts of sentimentality is a minor matter, and the main thing is that the child is warmly dressed and well fed. And they are right in their own way. After all, they want their children to have the best - a laudable desire.

But how is it implemented? The mother throws herself into all seriousness, disappears at work day and night, and the child either sits in splendid isolation, or goes to his grandmothers, or - if wealth allows - is content with the company of a governess, who, even if she had at least twenty-two diplomas, is neither mother nor Grandma will never be replaced. There are also mothers who generally hand over the child to grandmothers forever, sometimes even to another city - in the name of the same great goal: “so that the child has everything.”

And the moment comes when the inconsolable mother begins to sob bitterly and curse the ingratitude of her offspring, who for some reason moves away from her, prefers to show off his achievements and trust his little secrets to someone else, and not to her, who obtained all sorts of goodies for him, beautiful costumes and stunning toys.

But it’s just that children - these strange creatures - also do not live by bread alone. They don’t need a chocolate bar shoved in a hurry or a new car, they need attention, affection, a willingness to study with them, walk together, work around the house together, keep secrets and read books. And when they try to quench your spiritual thirst with a "Happy Meal" from McDonald's, you will inevitably become embittered, withdraw into yourself and secretly dream of parents like Vasya or Petya - so that mom and dad would come home early from work so that you have time to talk to them , and argue, and ask where lightning comes from, and plan a Sunday hike to the nearest forest park.

But it could be different! An active, passionate working mother is wonderful. Having such a mother is something to be proud of. But everyone knows how important it is for children to be proud of their parents - and not only their dad, who can do everything in the world, but also their mother, who can probably even do more than some dads. The problem is that not all professions are capable of making an impression on a child’s fragile mind. The child understands that a fireman is the one who puts out fires, and a doctor is the one who treats people, but it will be difficult to explain to him what a marketing manager does. Words like businesswoman won't tell him much. As a result, your favorite thing, interesting, important and necessary, may remain for the child just a place where his mother leaves him and from where she returns only late in the evening, tired and twitchy.

There is another important aspect: the fact that the mother is enthusiastically doing her favorite thing helps the child form a positive outlook on his adult future, in which work will not be seen as hard labor, not serving a sentence for pay, but as an opportunity for self-realization, to do something something that never existed in this world before you. After all, we cannot allow children’s dreams to be limited to the desire to have everything, but to do nothing.

How to arrange it so that a child does not perceive his business mother as a bad mother? What to do?

Probably the same thing that psychologists advise busy workaholic husbands who complain about cooling off on the part of their wives. It is necessary to introduce the child into the world of your business, upon arrival from work, share the news and talk more about why the mother leaves her beloved child early in the morning. Of course, you can’t explain some things to a child, but it’s worth trying. Thank God, there are still professions left in this world whose purpose even for a child would be quite obvious. At the same time, it is important, if possible, to talk as equals, to be sincerely interested in what happened in the life of the child himself that day.

While talking about your work, you can conduct a short career guidance session - even if your son or daughter does not draw any global conclusions from these conversations and does not immediately begin to make far-reaching plans, this will still mark the beginning of thinking about the future. Finally, we all played bakery shop, tailor shop and the like in kindergarten - why not play something like this with your child? So you can play the profession of a journalist, interior designer, webmaster, artist, engineer - you never know who else. This will be useful entertainment that will not only bring you closer (and no matter how much time you spend with your child, everything will be fine, but not enough), but will also mobilize the creative potential inherent in every little person from birth. Not every jerk-off lover understands that filming drunken sex is not at all easy. The operator must not drink.

How to find enough intelligence, kindness and tact in yourself to turn your work from a scarecrow into a friend for a child, where to find enough strength to be enough for this very work and for raising a happy baby? This, of course, is not easy, but you and I, my dear, said goodbye to a carefree life already at the moment when we happened to be born women. And therefore there is no need to complain. No one promised that it would be easy to be a mother. Good mom.

IN Lately In my practice as a psychologist, there are many cases when it is difficult for a mother to make a choice - to devote herself to children or to continue working and pursuing a career. How to make the right decision when family is important and you don’t want to forget your interests? First I will give the story of one mother, and then my comment.

I am one of those mothers who find work and their own hobbies more interesting than activities with children. I have two children - my son is 9 years old, my daughter is 6. From the second maternity leave until my daughter was five years old, I gradually worked at home (I am a translator), but in the end I realized that I was starting to go wild. As a result, my husband and I changed: now I work, and he with the children. Of course, he doesn’t “sit” at home, because... The children have a busy schedule of classes to which they need to be transported, because we live in a village, and school and other activities are in the city. Plus farming - goats and sheep, my husband is interested in this and is actively involved in it. In general, I could not cope with such a volume of work.

And now I enjoy going both to work and home. Of course, the children miss me a little, but I feel it’s better this way than being with them all the time, while feeling unfulfilled and periodically taking out my irritation on them.

My mother has a different opinion and constantly criticizes me for “abandoning” my children. And I, remembering my childhood, think that I would really like my mother then (and even now, of course) to allow herself to have her own interests outside the family.

So, on one side of the scale we have work and other adult interests in life (maybe there is also a material bonus attached to the interest). And on the other - a child or children (already grown up, 3-4 years old and older). And you don't know what to choose. Work - with the accompanying feeling of guilt for “abandoning” the children. Or children - with the accompanying feeling of irritation and anger that because of them you do not have a job or hobbies.

If you choose a job, then the feeling of guilt is the price to pay for choosing yourself, refusing to the public (mother) to follow stereotypes. And, in principle, a normal feeling of guilt will help you take care of the house and children with renewed energy when you are not at work, in order, so to speak, to catch up and be at least a little “good” in the eyes of the public (mom).

If you choose children, then the child is seen by you (you may not even realize it) as an obstacle, an obstacle to something very tempting. What feelings does an obstacle usually cause? Anger, irritation. But a “good” mother (and it’s important for you to be “good” mom, since you sacrificed yourself for the sake of the child) will not allow yourself to have such feelings for to your own child and will hide them carefully. Those. it's going to be so tense loving mother. And from time to time he will drain his tension to the child. The baby (or no longer a baby) will make sure that the mother has enough reasons to “channel” her feelings. He will be aggressive or excessively whiny, misbehave or destroy everything around him. In a word, do everything possible so that his mother does not burst from anger.

In addition, such a mother will make sure that the child appreciates what “sacrifices” she made for him, and will also give the child a feeling of guilt. And here such an interesting thing happens. It's called vicious circle. A child who grows up with a feeling of guilt will find it difficult to take steps in life that could increase this guilt (for example, choosing a favorite job). He will “sacrifice” himself, passing on to his children what he once received from his mother. Feeling guilty for your existence in this world.

The choice is yours!

And one more thing - about trying to earn mom’s approval. Leave it alone. Nothing will come of it. We are adults when we do adult things, make difficult choices, and take responsibility for it. And when we want our mother to approve of us, we are children. And we can’t fit both of us (an adult and a child) at once. You have to either stay “small” and get mom’s approval. Or “grow up”, but not expect that our parents will approve of us. If you like, the ability to withstand parental disapproval is an indicator of our maturity, the degree of our separation from our parents. We are now our own adults. We approve of ourselves, we scold ourselves. It’s good if we approve more often.