How to help your daughter get over a breakup. Daughter suffers terribly after breaking up with a young man What to do if a daughter is abandoned by a boyfriend

My daughter broke up with her boyfriend. It seems to be none of my business ... But I can’t come to terms with it. The guy is good. She flew for a year and a half and was happy. In the summer, they began to quarrel, she began to take offense at him for the fact that he began to pay less attention to her. He really does not like these showdowns, he was silent, or promised to change everything. In September, she decided to break up with him, but he asked to give him a chance. For more than two months she simply mocked him, no matter what he did, no matter how he ran, she didn't give a damn about everything. A week ago, she just kicked him out. I know that the guy is very hard, we communicate with him. I am very offended by my daughter for her attitude towards him. I saw how she loved, wanted to be with him. How could she fall out of love and hate so quickly? We had the funeral of my grandfather, my father, the guy helped with everything for three days, was next to his daughter, he was ready to redo all our affairs, help in everything, be with her every minute, get married, she wanted all this so much. recently, but here it became all the same. We made friends with families, went to visit each other. Yes, I know that everyone will tell me that this is none of my business. But there is such pain in me that even breathing is difficult. I see how my daughter falls in love with the guys and leaves them, hurting them, she just plays in love, and then she sees nothing, but only a new relationship. More than a year she spoke of her love, and it was evident from her. I don't understand how you can forget everything at once. And I cannot understand and forgive her. I know that I cannot part with my dream, that she will be happy with him. I consider her angry, I take offense at her and this offend her. I know this is her life. And I cry, I hope that it will be reconciled, I hope for her kindness. I know that he is very bad. And she seems to be all in new dreams, constantly hanging on the phone, drastically changing her style, hairstyle ... And I cry in the evenings and try to convince her to make up, annoy her with this. I think that she acted badly, wrongly, cruelly and that's it. I am writing all this, probably to get a portion of negativity to myself, to somehow sober up from these thoughts. Am I wrong?

Olga, Kazakhstan, 44 years old / 18.11.16

Opinions of our experts

• Alyona

  Olga, yes, you're wrong. This is not her dream, but yours. You liked the guy so much that you yourself would have married him if you were just as young. And you are trying to make your dreams come true, trying to make your daughter change her mind. In my opinion, you just need to let go of the situation and let your daughter figure out who she loves and who she was passionate about, but no more. The fact that she may not know how to build long-term relationships and twists the guys, playing with feelings is your fault. The girl learns from her mother's example. Hence, the example was unsuccessful. And now she needs to grow up, break wood and fill cones in order to understand herself and understand what she needs from a man with whom she wants to stay and patiently build a relationship. It’s quite obvious that the guy you’re talking about doesn’t inspire her anymore. So why was she wasting time on him and, most importantly, why should she be encouraging the guy himself? They are still so young. Let them figure it out for themselves. And at 44 you need to remember your own personal life and your own "I". You started living the life of a daughter early. Remember yourself. Why cry about your daughter's failed wedding? Where are you in a hurry? Live for yourself, remember what is interesting to you in this life.

• Sergey

  Olga, you are really wrong. It is wrong that you refuse your daughter to make her own decisions and do not accept them. No, I understand that you liked her old boyfriend. He's so positive and correct from the point of view of the mother-in-law. But maybe that's the point? A young man who does not have his own opinion, who is ready to obey his elders in everything, who resignedly endures bullying at himself and even asks for forgiveness for this, may well just get bored with a young, active girl. At first I liked it with a balanced approach, but, as we talked, I began to annoy. Alas, it happens. This is called - do not agree. And you shouldn't regret it. Believe me, it is much worse when such guys, under the influence of their parents, create a family, give birth to a child, and then shake their nerves to themselves and those around them, and still part. So it's not a bad thing that your daughter broke up with this guy. Worse, she has no support at home. Maybe that's why she behaves in this way, that she wants to prove her adulthood first of all to you? What to do? Maybe you should take care of yourself? Judging by the fact that you never once mentioned your daughter's father in your letter, you have no husband. Perhaps it is for this reason that you react so sharply to how your daughter picks out applicants. You are afraid that she will repeat your mistakes. But this is not her problem, but yours. And since yours, then you must deal, and first of all with yourself. Of course, it's not easy at the age of 40 to admit that you are wrong. Moreover, in front of her daughter, who is younger and looks, respectively, better, and even juggles with men, as you never dreamed of. Most likely, you are subconsciously jealous. And envy is a sign of weakness that has never led to anything good. That's why you get annoyed with your daughter. Personally, I believe that to reduce the degree of aggression in in this case, you have to take care of your own appearance. Perhaps I am banal and speak common truths, but I know for sure that a woman who likes herself, likes those around her, and treats the world around her in a completely different way. You obviously don't like yourself. So start changing the current situation. You are only 44 years old. Just believe that if you wish, you can quite bring your body to a state where those who are 10 years younger will be envious. The main thing is to do. And, accordingly, finding a worthy companion is also real. Then the daughter's “problems” will fade into the background until the grandchildren appear. This is much easier said than done, of course. However, anything is possible. The main thing is to want and not be lazy. Although, on the other hand, everyone is free to grow old when he wishes, and spoil his life to the best of his own views. But is it necessary? In Europe, about 40 women only give birth to children, and you already behave like a grandmother.

Dear mother, I sympathize with you and your daughter. Unfortunately, we cannot solve their problems for our children. We can only support them. Here are ten ways I can help you deal with breaking up with your loved one. Gently invite her to taste them.

1. First of all, you need to stop all contact with him. This applies not only real meetings but also social networking and text messaging. It is impossible to forget the person whose page you visit every day. As soon as the daughter ceases to be interested in what is happening in his life and takes care of her life, she will immediately feel relief.

2. Persuade her to try something new. The more interests she has, the less opportunity she has to think about failed relationships and feel sorry for herself. Moreover, new hobbies should be useful and positive. Yoga or other physical activity is good.

3. Try to discuss as little as possible with the daughter of her ex. Talking about him all the time will only exacerbate this unhealthy addiction. Any obsession is a path to anxiety, depression and loss of interest in life. Now your daughter cannot clearly explain to herself why there was a break in relations, but something often happens in life that does not depend on our desires. But such events help us to become more resilient and flexible.

4. Don't offer"Knock out a wedge with a wedge". You should not rush into a new relationship without recovering from a breakup. Otherwise, the likelihood of a new parting and disappointment is high.

5. Remind to her that she is young and there will be many more events in her life. But try not to discount what happened to her before. Show that you respect her and that you value her relationship and her choices.

6. Convince her not interested in the affairs of a former boyfriend with mutual acquaintances. This leads to new experiences.

7. If these acquaintances themselves seek to tell their daughter about him, try to convince her that such conversations should be stopped. If she firmly says that she is not interested, acquaintances will tell common acquaintances about this, and gradually the interest in the personal life of your daughter and her ex-boyfriend will fade away.

8. Discuss what is happening in her life now. Let her try to find at least one event every day for which she is grateful. Gratitude makes us feel positive emotions even during the most difficult periods of our lives.

9. Talk about friendship and about which of her friends is truly dear and close to her, with whom she is pleased to communicate. Encourage her to meet new people. New people and talking points are a good antidepressant.

Parting is always painful at any age. But it is especially difficult for adolescents. To add even more drama to this situation, many teenagers begin to act out in public (among peers, at school and outside, in social networks). Their behavior can include gossip, rumors and other lies. As a loving parent of your teenage daughter, chances are you will want to help her get through this pain. Talk to her, let her talk about her feelings without judgment from you. In the coming weeks, try to provide your daughter with emotional support, persuade her to go out more often, and give her hope for a bright and happy future. If this situation is accompanied by special circumstances (such as depression or any type of addiction), seek help.

Steps

Part 1

1. Try to be neutral about the situation. Even if you didn't like your daughter's boyfriend, you shouldn't tell her about it now. If your daughter is still a teenager, her relationship can be completely unpredictable. Perhaps your daughter will even return to him later. Therefore, refrain from negative judgments. Even if your daughter's boyfriend treated her badly, now is not the time to take sides. Then it can turn into unpleasant consequences for you.

   • You want your daughter to calmly tell you about her romantic relationship, especially when she is very young. But if you throw mud at her ex so that they don't get back together, in the future she will not turn to you if she has problems.
   • If your daughter starts to say something bad about her ex-boyfriend, do not answer her negatively. Better to say something like this: "It's okay to feel angry after a breakup."

2. Share your own love story. After a while, when your daughter gets a little burned out, she may want to look at the situation from a different point of view. In this case, you can tell her a little about your love story. This will help her understand that partings are completely normal and natural, and people always have to go through it.

   Give your daughter hope for the future. Once your daughter has calmed down a bit and wants your opinion on the situation, give her hope. Remind her that things will work out over time. But this must be done in such a way so as not to accidentally belittle her feelings that she is experiencing at the moment.

   • You don't have to say, "At your age, I went through the same thing, and I never even thought about it. Everything will work out for you."
   • Instead, understand how she is feeling and say something reassuring to her. For example: "I know that now you are in great pain, but remember that this is not forever. I also went through a similar breakup, but in the future you will have a much happier relationship."

3. Inspire your daughter to get active. She may want to sit in her room for a few days. It's okay to want to be alone with herself after a tough breakup, but don't let her worry too much. An obsession with relationships and breakups can even lead to more serious problems (such as depression). Therefore, try to somehow gently convey to her that she needs to continue to do her usual things and see friends. This will help her recover faster.

   • At first, you can allow your daughter to skip various extracurricular activities and activities, but it is important to make sure that over time she returns to her usual sports activities, to her communities of interests and hobbies. Being busy will help her get rid of the obsessive thoughts about the relationship and show that life goes on.
   • You can try inviting her friends. Being hospitable to your daughter's guests will help her become more outgoing.
   • Help her develop her hobbies. If your daughter enjoys sewing, consider buying her a new fabric, or help her with a new project. If she loves to get out into nature, organize a family picnic or hike.

Part 3

1. Pay attention to any warning signs that your child needs professional help. It's okay to feel a little sad after a breakup, but it's not normal for teens to have some sort of depression after a short-lived, frivolous relationship. Therefore, it is worth paying attention to signs that your daughter's reaction is outside the normal range or dragged on for a long time. Perhaps she needs the help of a psychologist.

   • If even after a few weeks your daughter seems very sad, she most likely needs professional help. If she has lost interest in her hobbies, she still cries a lot and shuns people, she needs a psychologist's consultation.
   • Be sure to contact a psychologist with your daughter if you notice that she began to harm herself or began to use alcohol and drugs after breaking up.
2. When your child is in pain, it is normal to feel upset and sad about it. No one likes to watch their child go through a breakup. However, try to control your own emotions when talking to your daughter. When helping your daughter, it is important not to upset her or make her worry more.

• Make sure your daughter knows you are caring for her. This topic is very personal, so you need to show your attention and care all the time.
• Let your daughter talk to people who have gone through a similar situation. Your daughter needs to understand that she's not the only one going through difficult times.

Warnings

• Don't be too pushy. If you know your daughter is uncomfortable talking to you about this, step back. Perhaps she will open to you when she is ready.

Hello, please give some advice in this situation. My daughter is 16 years old and she has no luck with guys. The first time a boyfriend left her because her grandmother decided that my girl was not a match for her grandson. his daughter was then 12 years old (he told her about the separation on her birthday). There was depression, disappointment in relationships, and a complex of unattractiveness to boys. After 9 months, in the camp, my daughter met the boy. Good boy, studies at a cadet school, 1 year older than her. He somehow immediately fell in love with her, admitted this to her. They began to meet, but the daughter treated him like a friend, nothing more. On his part, there were confessions in eternal love... His mother called me and assured me that this love is for life, that her son is monogamous. Under this onslaught, my daughter began to thaw, From her side, too, there was a feeling, the boy, you can say, fell in love with her. This lasted for about two years, and now, like thunder in a clear sky - my daughter receives an SMS from him - we need to melt. No reason given. My daughter was dumbfounded and tried to find out the reason. They communicated on the phone, tk. it was summer and there was no possibility of meeting. As a result of the correspondence, we agreed to meet and talk, my daughter insisted on this. After this meeting, at which it turned out that he wrote it all simply because he felt bad, and he still loves her, the relationship resumed. My daughter was happy. This happiness lasted 7 months. Yesterday he came, the day before he said that it was necessary to talk. As the daughter says, at first the conversation was about the pros and cons of each other, about how to change their relationship for the better. And then, after a minute's silence - well, that's it, we're melting ... When my daughter came home, she didn't have a face. She again did not understand why she was abandoned. Yes. due to her busyness, there was not much time for meetings and communication. Yes, and he also has problems with this - graduation class - admission. The daughter is not inclined to express her emotions violently in her attitude towards him, too, and the boy wants a stormy relationship - to meet more often, to communicate - and if he does not have the opportunity to meet - this is ok, but if the daughter does not have time, it is a crime. Yesterday we both roared with her, She is from resentment, pain and misunderstanding. I am out of my own impotence that I cannot help her and my daughter's lack of faith in a good future. I can’t support my daughter, I don’t know how to get her out of her stupor. I catch myself on the fact that I treated their relationship as a relationship 100% leading to the creation of a family. On the one hand, the daughter wants to return him, on the other, she is afraid that everything will happen again. It's good that yesterday I erased the phone numbers of both him and his mother, otherwise I would have called today and tried to return him back. I took my daughter to school ... Again I roar, it’s very hard on my soul and it hurts, as if it was me who had strength and faith in a good future?

Answer:

Hello. Thanks for sharing. You can only help your daughter if you yourself are in a "working" condition. Therefore, first you need to figure out with yourself - why do you react so sharply to this situation. I can only assume that this has happened to you in your life. Otherwise, it is not entirely clear why you react so emotionally to a seemingly ordinary life situation. My daughter is 16 years old and has her whole life ahead of her. And you have already glued her a bunch of labels and complexes. It is very easy to help survive this - you have to go about your business, think about studying, meet other guys, in general, move on. It's just that your daughter was unlucky with her boyfriend and that's it. Here it is just not necessary to dig and look for some deep reasons. And you shouldn't treat yourself as a victim, that is, your daughter shouldn't be allowed to think that she's been abandoned. And that's all. The boy may have his own problems, and because of this, you should not hang a stigma on yourself. In general, you first of all need to calm down and try to philosophically look at this situation. Anything can happen in life, and if someone doesn't like you, this does not mean that you are a schmuck.

Hello!
I do not know what to do.
My daughter broke up with a boy a year and a half ago (she is now 18 years old). Since then, she stopped going outside, constantly sits at home, her self-esteem has fallen very much due to the pounds she gained (a consequence of the fact that she hardly moves), does not want to go to college (she says that there cannot be people), she began smoke. I try to talk to her, she answers in a playful or, on the contrary, aggressive form, refuses to go to the doctor, says that she is fine, and then I lie at night and hear her crying behind the wall.
When I say that the light did not fit like a wedge on that boy, she just covers her ears.

I was very worried about her and read her virtual diary.
I read and cried. It's very scary to read how his own daughter writes:
"I want to disappear.
Abyss from this world and leave no memory of yourself. "

"aggravation begins at night.
The pain is as if everything is turned inside out.
Almost normal during the day. Sometimes I even laugh.
And at night I really want to die.
I'm scared. I'm afraid of nightfall, but I can't sleep either. Does not work."

"I'm broke. Not at all. It's time to throw me in the landfill."

And in every new topic there are similar thoughts.

This is what she once wrote about that boy:
"It's been 8 months and 10 days since we parted ...
It would seem - so many.
And for me these 8 months were like 1 day.
Prolonged terrible day. Day without you. "

I'm very scared for her. I read how she casually and indifferently writes about her death and I want to bind her to me and not let go of her even a step.
I'm desperate. Tell me, please, how should I behave? How to persuade her to see a psychologist?

Irina, Kiev, Ukraine, 40 years old

Art psychologist's answer:

Hello Irina.

Best regards, Maria Pugacheva.