How to stop following my husband's ex. Why Follow Friends on Social Media? Suppressed desire for revenge

Marina, in a relationship with a guy, you are controlled not only and not so much by love, but by your fears - loneliness, being unloved, unappreciated, unaccepted. You pass them on to the guy, he is already intuitively possible and moves away, moves away from you, unable to withstand the tension. We choose partners, as mature individuals, for their qualities, for their attitude towards us, for their energy, for their actions, we meet and live with them because of this, we try to see and support all the best in him. You, plunging into his past with that girl, are subconsciously constantly in search of some kind of negativity on his part, in anticipation of the bad, in tension, thus taking energy, time from yourself, your beloved, from your couple, suffering and torturing him . What for? Take care of your feelings, yourself. In no way am I going to blame you, this is just a view from the outside, you may not agree. But everything around us, our whole life, its circumstances depend on our perception of them, on ourselves. It is we who, with our thoughts, actions, desires, decisions, words, even with our appearance, attract a certain environment, events and people, form our own little world, attach semantic meaning, tone, color to an event, phenomenon, program our future. As you want to see it, it will be like this: expect the bad - it will happen, believe and wait with all your heart for only the good - it will definitely come into your life. Why such prejudice? Your suspicion, anxiety indicates at least some self-doubt in you, because you feel a threat to the well-being of your couple. In general, jealousy, in relation to whomever it manifests itself and whoever experiences it, is a person’s fear of being abandoned, not appreciated, offended, not understood, and most importantly, not loved, lonely. Jealous is not confident in himself, in his value, the importance of necessity, in his strength, attractiveness. But all the problems are actually only in our heads, we usually create them ourselves, believe, feel, and then heroically overcome them. Think about whether the person you have chosen really deserves such an attitude? Try to put yourself in the place of your loved one (remember the phrase "treat the person the way you want them to treat you"?). Imagine that he will begin to suspect you, for example, behavior, opinions that you express, your meetings, views, conversations, correspondence, any communication, control, prohibit. Would you like to constantly make excuses? Expressing distrust to a person in any form (and its outcome depends on the style of communication, conversation, chosen words, intonation), you can push him to those actions that he was not going to carry out, but if you insist so ... Always live in the present, rejoice relationship with your loved one, establish an emotional connection if he is really dear to you. Because in relationships on the side, a person always gets, first of all, the emotions that are missing at home, the confidence that he is valuable in himself, like a man (this also happens with a woman), is interesting as a person. Each person has a past, you cannot change this, but creating your joint happy present is quite realistic. Trust your loved one, praise him for his achievements, for his care, help, deeds, make surprises, for example, romantic dinner, stroll. What is positive about your man (maybe he is smart, kind, caring, cheerful, attractive, generous, reliable, calm ...), for which you fell in love with him, remember those moments that he brought into your life, making it better, brighter , richer - appreciate these qualities, support and develop in him, they will manifest themselves. Focus your efforts on harmonizing your relationship with him. Express your emotions and feelings. Do not forget to talk about how dear he is to you, loved, valuable as a person, as a man. Do something nice every day, something that will bring joy to him and you. Tune in to the positive and radiate it - you will see how good it is to live in an atmosphere of trust, joy, warmth, kindness. This will make you happy too. Do not forget about yourself either, because you are very good, the guy appreciates it, he is with you, because for him you are the best. So keep it to yourself. Treat yourself with care, appreciate, love and respect - the same way others will treat you. In any situation, be sure that you are smart and beautiful, worthy of being happy and loved, without doing anything specifically for this, not deserving, but simply because you are exactly the way you are. If you lack an expression of love from him, then in order for the guy to understand how valuable, beautiful you really are, worthy of paying attention to you and spending your energy, begin to respect, pamper, cherish and cherish - start all this, the best, to do first of all for themselves. This does not mean to stop loving or caring for him, but only to shift the focus of relationships, stop focusing only on them, on control, checks - take care of yourself, make your life more diverse, find your occupation that can always keep you in a joyful state, give internal energy, self confidence. This is the most important strategy for you now - to become self-sufficient, interesting for yourself, to make your life the same, so that he feels it and begins to appreciate you as a person. Invest attention, energy in yourself, be good first of all for yourself (he will also switch), become the main value for yourself, an object of effort, a life guide, you are worth it. Each person chooses whether to be happy or unhappy - allow yourself to be whatever you want. If you need professional advice, if you have any questions, if you want to clarify the situation, get answers, understand everything, find solutions, write to the chat, I will be happy to help. Good luck, love, mutual understanding and harmony with yourself. I would be grateful for the answer.

Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer "Marina, in a relationship with a guy, it's not only and not so much love that controls you, but your fears - one ..." to the question http://www.. Can I discuss this answer with you?

Andrey, 25 years old.

How to stop spying ex-girlfriend and forget her?

I broke up with a girl whom I met 2, 5. I fell in love and became attached and now it's hard to forget. There is one thing but she is now communicating with another. And in my opinion he likes it. I talked with her on this topic more than once, and she told me several times that she had no feelings for this person. She has known him for more than (3 months) even when we were paired with her.

The reason for our separation was "I have no feelings for me." When asked why she dragged on for so long, she said that she didn’t want to quit hot, but tried to find them all like that (in general, she doubted). In fact, it was clear from her that everything started for us even before we met this dick. They also see each other once a week, as they go to youth at the church (she likes this topic)

The bottom line is that after our breakup, I started spying on her and him on social networks. And he noticed that he began to appear online only when she was also sitting. It blows my mind. I called her once again to put an end to this and not bother her anymore. She again replied that she had no feelings for him and that something was unlikely to happen to him ... In our relationship, we never lied to each other (I never caught her in a lie, and if she said something unpleasant, then it was honest) and after parting, we also remain honest.

The problem is me. I invested a lot (I fell in love) in it and now I suffer so much. I have already made the decision to let her go and move on with my life. But it's not that easy

Rsoinvi

Olesya Verevkina

Andrey, hello! I have respect for your determination to find a way out of this situation by asking for help. This is a powerful move for a man. Let's try to understand what keeps you from letting go. Let me ask you a few clarifying questions, okay?

I would ask you to tell us about yourself: do you work or study? Who is educated? By specialty? How do you like to spend your free time? Do you live alone or with family? Who is in your inner circle?

It is also important for me to know what stages your relationship with the girl you broke up went through. When you felt that you were interested in her, where did you meet? What attracted you to her? What did she appreciate in you?

For you, is this the first relationship in which there are such painful feelings or have there been similar situations in relationships before?

About myself:
I work in IT. I live separately in an apartment. There is a higher education (technical). I try to devote my free time to something, Lately I go to the gym, I go out with friends, I go to visit my parents. I try not to sit at home for a long time (sometimes I sit at home for one day).

This is not my first relationship. This is my first sincere love (perhaps I confuse this with a strong attachment)
Relationship stages. We met. Then she moved in with me (at that time I lived with my parents). Six months later, they rented an apartment. We lived in it for 2 years. Never quarreled, there was mutual understanding and trust.
About myself. It didn't take long for me to realize that I loved her. It happened 1.5 years ago. Our first year, I did not have strong feelings for her, she is the opposite. Then came the moment when I realized that I love her and became softer with her. What a period of time we had on feelings). I began to see her as my future wife, the mother of our children.

A little history from the very beginning. When I met her, she was cold (unemotional). But I was able to melt her heart and she changed.

Somewhere since the beginning of the year, everything began to crumble. The girl began to grow cold towards me (it was unpleasant for her when I kissed her, she began to look for flaws in me, like you have dandruff (even though I washed my hair every two days, took a shower, took care of myself.).

I know my reason. I am just very attached to her, because I opened myself completely to her and let her into my heart. Now I suffer. But with already, as it were, resigned to the fact that we will not be together.
After all, love should be mutual, and not only on my part (I want to be happy like that all the time)

I don’t give me one thing so far, that in time she can be with this new friend. Who are now so actively communicating with her and sharing with her their former relationship. I have a very big aggression towards him and I would like to deal with him physically, but I understand that this is wrong, because the girl makes the choice.
I talked to him and he answered that he understands everything and that he likes her more as a person. If that he is a Baptist and believes that everything comes back in twins.
She says that she does not meet with him and that he does not stick to her ... Well, my friend is like that. But all in all, it worries me a lot. I just have a dislike for this person, I know that others write to her, but for some reason they don’t excite me ...

My jealousy interferes with both me and her. I want to stop it, I want to leave her alone.

This is the first such excruciating suffering in a relationship.

Rsoinvi

Rsoinvi, you know, I'm trying to listen to your story and all the time I feel some kind of emptiness, the overall picture does not add up. Help me better understand what happened in your relationship with a girl? I will write what I understand, and you try to supplement or clarify, okay?

I realized that you met with her for 2.5 years. Most of this time you lived together, rented an apartment. Who is your girlfriend by education and profession? Is she working now? Does she rent an apartment herself or lives with her parents?

How did you meet her? Did you share common interests with her? Which means she "likes the topic

youth at the church

Click to reveal...

I have not yet understood how you met, but you said that at first the girl was cold to you. How did you manage to win it? How long after you started dating did she move in with you? Where did she live before? After you started renting an apartment, did you share housing costs with her? Did you have a general budget, how did you solve financial issues?

It didn't take long for me to realize that I loved her. It happened 1.5 years ago. Our first year, I did not have strong feelings for her, she is the opposite. Then came the moment when I realized that I love her and became softer with her. What a period of time we had on feelings

Click to reveal...

I can’t yet figure out how the emotional balance was arranged in your relationship: at first she was cold, but you conquered her, right? Then she began to have feelings for you, but you don't? And after a year of relationship, you realized that you love her, and she just cooled down. It turns out that in your couple all the time someone is trying to win a partner emotionally, while the other keeps a distance. It seems? Could it be that now another period has arisen when the girl distanced herself, and you succumbed to the scenario as a catch-up? Was there a period when both of you were attuned to each other and the balance was kept symmetrical?

This friend, who has now appeared with the girl, and who irritates you so much, is he familiar to you from some former company? Have you crossed paths with him before? How do you explain such a clear on your part sense of danger emanating from him? Does something seem familiar to you, understandable in his behavior patterns? He is somewhat similar to you, maybe? Or, on the contrary, is it very different from you? Do you have a feeling that such a guy can please a girl?

Please explain what is the reason for the fact that the girl continues to be frank with you and answer questions about whether she has feelings for another guy? Why do you think she thinks she can share this with you? It looks like some kind of sophisticated mockery: she broke off relations with you, but continues to reveal her emotional experiences ... What do you say about this?

Are you endlessly interested in the former and monitor his new photos? Trying by hook or by crook to find out how his affairs are? Do you periodically remind yourself of yourself, although you yourself don’t understand why you need it? The desire to be aware of the personal life of an ex-boyfriend or ex-spouse makes you kill time and does not lead to anything good. So be patient and find out why you fell into an addiction in order to successfully get rid of it before it turns into a real mania. And the advice of a psychologist will tell you how to stop following your ex.

Reasons for this behavior

Concerns

If you are a typical girl with low self-esteem, it is not surprising that your attachment does not want to disappear. Admit it: it seems to you that no new relationships are expected anymore, and your ex turned out to be the only chance, and now you will remain useless to anyone.

When such thoughts live in your head, you have to cling to the past - so you are watching the departed love on the sly, somewhere in the depths of your soul cherishing the thought that everything is possible to return. In general, you look for secret signs on his pages in social networks that could become proof of your conjectures, you track the right moment to remind you of yourself.

Lack of interesting events in life

The cause of manic behavior may be banal boredom. You lived together, received vivid emotions, there was always something to do, the cultural and entertainment program was scheduled by the hour. But suddenly everything was over and it became unclear what to do.

In the midst of despondency, you grab onto something that used to cheer you up, and this is your ex. However, now your life is brightened up by jealousy and adventurism - why not a variety for every day? Espionage is a “peppercorn” that helps to cope with longing, get a boost of energy and new sensations.

Suppressed desire for revenge

Was your breakup not pleasant? Everything happened on his initiative? Did he find a replacement for you? Of course, you have a good reason to hold a grudge against him. As a well-mannered or fearful person, you do nothing, but you still hope that the offender will be punished by higher powers. So you sit like an owl on the pages of the former, enthusiastically waiting for failures to befall him: the girl will turn out to be a dummy, her friends will leave her, and her career will fail.

possessive jealousy

It is possible that a black feeling of jealousy gnaws at you. Because of this, you endlessly follow the fate of the former in order to compare yourself with his new passions. You look and understand: it would be better for him with you, well, let him suffer!

Nothing escapes your critical eye. Where they go, how she dresses, what he gives her - everything is subject to revision, and no matter how wonderful reality is, you will definitely conclude that new girl the former is completely unworthy of him, but they live so-so. Possessiveness speaks in you, which means you have not yet let go of the past.

Unwillingness to lose a person

While you are aware of everything that happens with your departed lover, the illusion appears that you did not part at all. This is the norm if several weeks have passed after the break, a maximum of a couple of months. But when this behavior is observed after a year or more, you definitely want to return it.

Probably, you are hoping to resume the broken connection, or you subconsciously want to figure out who is to blame for the breakup of the couple. For you, this issue is still not closed - it gnaws from the inside every day, although the former has already found new passion and lives happily ever after.

The usual interest in the enemy

According to sociologists, people tend not only to monitor the events of their comrades - they no less want to know what is happening with their enemies. For the sake of this, a person is ready to transfer unpleasant acquaintances to him in a group of friends in social networks and see their updates in the feed.

There is nothing shameful in such espionage; abroad, it was even given a separate designation “shadenfriending”, which is simply understood as “gloating”. Watching the moans or complaints of the former on the Internet, you can experience this particular emotion, which is a normal human feeling.

The real mania

Sometimes the usual surveillance of the former develops into something more and becomes an alarming symptom. Fortunately, this happens very rarely, so you do not necessarily have this particular disorder. As psychologists explain, when tracking the life of the deceased young man becomes part of everyday "duties" and takes many hours, it's not fatal passion that's to blame.

V this case you're trying to regain lost control. Yes, it was control, not the boyfriend himself. You want to know something that has long been lost from your area of ​​​​interest. Information bulimia appears out of nowhere: at first you just spy on a person, and then you definitely need to see his photo, know all the events to the smallest detail. This goes on for a long time, and suddenly you catch yourself paying more attention to this, and not to the lives of your loved ones and friends.

How to quit surveillance?

Reflect on your own actions

To begin with, answer the following questions for yourself personally: “What am I striving for?”, “What do I want to achieve?”, “Why do I need this?”. Understand that your behavior is humiliating and it's time to take responsibility for your actions and thoughts. Whatever your reasons for being in the know about your ex, you can't make him come back. Therefore, overcome yourself: live cheerfully and brightly, strive for new relationships, avoid unnecessary stress and unjustified suffering. By stopping thinking about the past, you will finally become truly happy!

Get rid of any reminders

Feel free to erase joint photos, ruthlessly remove an unnecessary number from your notebooks, cruelly delete your ex from contacts in all social networks, communicate less with his friends, and then everything will be fine with you. By destroying any threads that connect you with old feelings, you can more easily concentrate on something more important.

love yourself

Take up new hobbies, useful, developing things: take up the study of any foreign language, read literature, focus on hobbies, devote maximum time to work and everything that is connected with you. So you simply won’t have a single minute left for surveillance, and the former will fade into the background.

Get rid of jealousy

If jealousy devours you, again direct this energy in the right direction, make it the main incentive for self-improvement. Does your last boyfriend or spouse's latest crush look super stylish? Accumulate enough money and outdo it in this one. Is the rival slender, like a quivering doe? Do not suffer in front of other people's photos, but do fitness. Is she smart and educated? Go to courses, get new knowledge, change your profession. Such activity will help you rise in your own eyes. In terms of life achievements, you will be higher than your ex and one beautiful morning understand that he doesn't deserve you.

Don't settle for being friends

Forget about correctness, take pity on yourself and generally stop communicating with the departed young man, no matter how good a friend he turns out to be. After all, if it gives you great stress, why torture yourself?

Just stop following

Pull yourself together already: not doing something is easier than doing it. So why don't you enjoy free time away from the source of irritation? Show, finally, willpower.

The girl writes that she follows the life of the ex and asks how to stop following life ex boyfriend. There are rules that women all over the world follow, voluntarily or not. If not willingly, it turns out for a long time and with suffering. But if you follow the rules intentionally, then the question "How to stop following the life of an ex-boyfriend?" disappears by itself.

I follow the life of the former.

The former stands before your eyes? This is fantasy. You add to the real past the dream of what that past could have been. Hope is added to the desire to see him “Only with him happiness is possible! Without it, it hurts."

But pain is often subjective. Remember the kids on the playground. One hurt his knee and whimpers. Another rubbed the bruised place and ran on. It's funny that it can be the same child - he was yesterday and he is today.

Breakups are NOT always painful. In a year you will remember and it will be easier for you. And now it's hard. What to do?

How to stop following the life of an ex-boyfriend.

1. Distract: friends, work, hobbies, books, movies and music. Just be in the present moment. Don't let your mind wander in fantasies about him. Watch a movie, watch a movie.

2. Your fantasies are only yours. How much they annoy you is up to you. Ask yourself “What exactly do I want to get from him right now?”. And give it to yourself! Want sex? Find it for yourself. Do you want romance? Organize. If you want hugs, hug. Take yourself to the movies, finally. Here's a good movie:

3. Naturally! And definitely! delete it from your social networks. Cut the whole tail - once it hurts and that's it. If you cut into pieces, it will hurt more. Or do you want to get hurt?

4. Limit the time of suffering. Suffer according to plan. A week from seven to eight. You can't miss. Cry on schedule. Stick to the schedule.

I follow the life of the former.

The persistent need to check his profile on the network is just a desire not to end the relationship. While you're peeping, you feel like you belong.

The other side is the need to compare. You are comparing yourself to the girls that might be in his life right now. “Am I good enough for someone like him” You seem to think that by discovering the secret of his current girlfriend and applying it to yourself, you can get a chance at a re-relationship with a former sweetheart. And then you turn your life into an arms race. And the measure of success here is the conquest of the former. Remove him and her from the mythical pedestal.

Painful experiences after a breakup can lead to vengeful desires. I want to make sure that he is bad without you. The female imagination tends to see this “bad” even behind a happy selfie of the former against the backdrop of the sea. Not only do you accumulate aggression in yourself, but you also attribute your suffering to him: “Does he suffer like me?”

Do you want to make sure that you were not a passing episode in his life? Realize the connection: you feel your value through the positive evaluation of the other. Important: the assessment of the situation depends on the comparison you make. Resentment and everything you feel depends less on the action itself than on who does it and in what context. If you are offended by a sworn enemy, you just shrug your shoulders: “What else could you expect.” If I am offended by someone whom I considered myself betrayed, then I compare this with a list of how friends should act. Then it hurts me.

You need to accept that a) you are no longer friends b) he lives his own ordinary life. And his photos are not intended to infringe on you. Allow yourself to look at his photographs just to hasten the realization: he is no longer mine. Do not idealize: remember not good and happy moments, but the reasons why you broke up. A person is not free over the feelings that he experiences. But having realized the feelings, it is in your hands to nurture them or let them go.