How to live with mother-in-law under the common roof? How to get along with mother-in-law in the same house how to get along with a boring mother-in-law

To understand the reason for the appearance of conflicts with Mom's husband, you need to mentally put yourself in her place. Immediately becomes clear that the appearance of daughter-in-law in the house violates the usual course of things. The mother-in-law shutdered his home and life for years, and now a person has appeared who is trying to make his adjustments to the already established lifeguard. It is clear that you need to do it, because it also has its own habits and preferences. It is such a thought and you need to convey to the mother-in-law.

The bulk of conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law does not occur due to dislike to each other or complex, but due to the violation of the family rules.

How to survive in one house with mother-in-law

With mother-in-law it is necessary to try to establish a psychological distance. No need to behave unnaturally to seem better. She will still notice this and will not appreciate such efforts.

You should not begin to bring your orders in the house of mother-in-law on the first day after moving. In this case, it is worth the patience and wait time.

Even before moving to the mother-in-law, it is important to discuss household moments. With this conversation, you should not be ashamed to ask questions and put forward your suggestions. It should be clearly understood how the housekeeping will be distributed: who will be responsible for food, and who is washing.

The financial question is of great importance. It is necessary to agree on who will buy products, household chemicals and other things for general use. By the way, in this case, it will be much wiser to conduct separate budgets.

Moral need to be ready for the fact that the mother-in-law will begin to learn how to conduct a household. She can do it delicately, with a smile throwing meek comments or, on the contrary, a snap-up long fiery speech, in which a sharp emphasis on the things that did not like her. But in one case, it is important to show calm. Perhaps even, mother-in-law will try to specifically bring the daughter-in-law on emotions, then the more worth to keep himself in his hands. In more precise, it is possible that after a while mom her husband calms down, noting that the daughter-in-law does not respond to her negative.

And, of course, not to configure mother-in-law against themselves, it is necessary to remember and observe one, but an extremely important rule: under no circumstances to find out relations with her husband in the presence of mother-in-law. It should be understood that she is a mother who will always be on the side of her child. And if even the mother-in-law will not interfere with the exchange between its

It tells the associate professor of the Department of Psycho-Logic HSE and the Department of Children's and Family Psychotherapy MGPPU, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Family Psychotherapist Elena Chebotarev.

Does not let go of the son

Julia Borta, "About Health": - Why suddenly between two women - daughter-in-law and mother-in-law - the most irreconcilable conflicts flas out?

Elena Chebotareva: - Let's start with the fact that the daughter-in-law builds his family, trying to somehow establish life as she represents it. And her husband was brought up in another family, where other ideas about family life reigned and, among other things about the role of spouses. Two are facing in many ways contradictory worldview. For both women, this is an important area: Mom is baked about the fate of the Son, a young wife is about the fate of his family and its future children. It is clear that no one wants to give up. The most difficult thing when young spouses still live with her husband's parents. Then there is a lot of confusion in the relationship: it is not clear where whose territory, and most importantly, who in which role acts? Who for mother-in-law Young wife son is a full mistress or another child on a par with your own? Many even speak about their daughter-in-law: "We have now appeared another daughter." However, to build a marriage relationship in the role of "one more daughter" in the family of a husband is not very comfortable. Young spouses, both physically and psychologically, need their own territory for life - to discuss the problems, in something even argue and torture. When mom interfers, everything is complicated.

- Yes, when mom is not especially designed ...

- Sure. Almost always can be agreed with each other. But psychologically more difficult, when one of the opponents are still a group of support with its worldview. Contract with mother-in-law about living together with her husband a little strange. But sometimes it is necessary. Especially if a new family is not perceived by the older generation as an independent cell of society. The situation where the mother-in-law constantly interferes with his son's relationship with his wife, trying to manage them, in psychology it is called "unfinished separation". The fact is that in adolescence, the child should emotionally separate from the parents and start learning to live their lives, make independent decisions. At the same time, parents learn to let go of the child "to freedom", allow him to fill their own bumps. And when this is the only or youngest child, it is more difficult to let go. So if this "branch" does not happen from parents and they still tie up a stupid child, constantly controlled him, dictate him that he should think and feel what to want, the child, instead of living his life, begins to serve the needs Adults - emotional, domestic and other. The source of such hyperteps is their own fears of parents. At the subconscious level, they are disturbed, for example, what will be with their lives when they as parents will no longer be in demand. Who will need them? When the spouses parents stay alone with each other and discuss children's problems will not be relevant, will there be at all what else to discuss and do together? And at the level of consciousness, these deep fears are poured into more rational: "What if it will contact a bad company, suddenly will not cope with responsibility, will not find a good job or wife?" And they try to prevent possible mistakes with all their forces, protect against difficulties and dangers.

- Now it seems that all these are the problems of mother-in-law and she and to decide?

- Not. A boy who has not emotionally let go of the parents, is a feeling of insufficient freedom, close in relationships. He gets used to fighting freedom. And since he did not fulfill this task in the parent family, he will subconsciously try to do this in his own.

- Will quarrel with your wife, even if she is not to blame?

- Yes, a failed teenage riot turns to his relationship with his wife. He begins to prove his freedom and independence, the right to make independent decisions and live, as I want. It turns out that the Son struggles for independence from the wife and the right to be the head of the family, and his mother supports it. But this right is committed not through the adoption of some responsible decisions, but through such a teenage rebellion. All this happens unconsciously on both sides: people sincerely want often better - mother-in-law for their son and his family life, a wife - for their own family life. But it is "the best" every every way, and adequate ways are not always taken to achieve it.

When mom is jealous

- Revolution and the fight for freedom is a man how can manifest?

- It depends on the style of early children's and parental relations, on how they have developed in a very young age, as well as from what kind of model of cooperation by the boy he watched between his parents. Either a man avoids close relationships and is trying to keep a distance, perceiving any attempt to talk to the souls, to ask about what he worries, why he was delayed and so on as an encroachment for personal freedom. Either trying to suppress, impose his opinion, believing that everything should be as he decided, and only so correctly. And if the wife resists and disagrees - it means that he does not like.

- Can there be a cause of confa-liks of a girl with her mother-in-law Jealousy Mom to his son's son?

- Including. But more often refers to jealousy in a broader sense - to another lifestyle. All parents perceive the child as a successor of their family values. For example, Ivanov, the representative of the Ivanov family, bears family ideas, family worldview in life. And when the grew up child turns out to be a little bit like that, it also worries. How like this: we have some values, and he lives differently? It turns out a woman to blame, the carrier of these very values, which in the perception of parents knocks down the Son from the path of the true? That is, he seems to go into some other, not ours, "clan", not our worldview.

Sometimes literal jealousy when Mom has a very close relationship with her son. If the mother lacks closeness with her husband, the son emotionally replaces the mother to a man, compensates for the shortage of heat in relations. Let's say you want to talk to someone, it's impossible to talk with my husband, but there is a child - he trusts the secrets to him, we spend time with him, communicate, having fun. Of course, it is scary to lose, give to another family, because emptiness arises and with her jealousy.

Kitchen wars

- They say, most often with mother-in-law quoted in the kitchen. Two mistresses in the table and the slabs simply can not calmly get along. So?

- Life is a zone where there are a lot of copies in families breaking. Jealousy, emotional attachment, lack of proximity to her husband and other internal things still need to be aware. And life is obvious, it's every day. Everyone has their own habits: how to make tea, clean the dishes. And if it is done not as you used to, each thinks that behind this is worth: a slope, the inability to keep the economy and so on.

- Why so often quarrels and swearing arise about the upbringing of children / grandchildren?

- The ideas about the upbringing of children also belong to the worldview. After all, grandson is another opportunity to create some kind of alliance in the family. And the grandson gives it more rights for it, because when a wife appears in his son, she, as it were, a foreign person, not a relative. To intervene in her life, by and large, less rights, although each mother-in-law looks at it to the best of his ideas about good and evil. And grandson is already a blood relative. Therefore, in their opinion, gives more rights to intervention. Some mother-in-law begins to use it, A-fightingly introduced into the life of a young family. At the same time sincerely wishing the best.

7 ways to avoid quarrels and hostility with mom husband

1. Try to live separately from your parents. Even if it is not possible to move to your own accommodation and have to live in the same apartment, maximize the territory and lifestyle. In essence, it should be a communal apartment, not a general farm.

2. Having quarreled with her husband, do not run the mother-in-law on him. She will still support his son, and also thinks that he chose a bad wife. If you want her to do not interfere in your life, make decisions yourself, find a compromise with each other.

3. If you appeal for help to the mother-in-law, do not rotate that you then indicate how to live. Be sequential. If you are independent, then in everything. If grandchildren entrusted the mother-in-law, then take help with gratitude to.

4. To withstand the borders of communication, do not go down to mutual rursing. Mom husband - older man. Try to understand why she behaves anyway, what he wants and what is waiting. Maybe she just needs more attention?

5. Build the external borders of your new family. It is clear that the first time the parents will actively intervene. They are accustomed to that their son is a member of their family. It is necessary to calmly delimit the spheres of influence and establish new rules - where is the common, and where is just your life.

6. Tune in to positive way. Try to notice that good that mother-in-law brings into your life. And be grateful for it. Do not forget to praise and say thank you. For example, for the recipe for delicious cookies. Even if you yourself cook well.

7. Support your husband if you have to take a difficult decision. The mother-in-law, most likely, will put pressure on the son. It is important that the wife does not drag him to his side, but chose the role of the cathedral. Then there are chances to avoid open confrontation.

The first thing from what I started: I configured myself for love. When I have a negative in relation to someone, I always say myself: Lena, Stop. In every person two sides. Now you see only bad. Let's look at this person with a good side.

Most often, the soul after that softens, and even appears shame for itself. And as a result, pity for the person, whom I grooved in my eyes and saw only bad in it.

This is an excellent condition that helps to find the truth. That is, not your own truth, but the truth of both sides. After all, as you know, two are always to blame. And the one who is smarter is guilty more.

After that, I configure the position of an proactive person. Not reactive, which responds to the situation, meets its actions on other people's actions, and a person putting his own way for which you need to go after.

So. We live together. There are advantages and cons. We will leave our pros and cons. Ideal when some advantages, there is no one in life.

In order to determine their actions, you first need to decide on.

Apparently your husband is good in the parent house. And you are not so bad. Only the emerging situation with homework interferes. Apparently you do not have complaints about the mother-in-law.

And mother-in-law, just tired woman, who gave the joy of rest for a moment, and then quickly selected. She was offended. But not for you. And that she will be hard again. See the situation correctly. How much time did the farm placed? And how many years I fed, I poured, raised, and I also worked.

She is just tired. And it does not find the strength to go back.

When you have children, you too, as you cook, clean, wash. Because it's your family. And this is a very strong motive.

And the mother-in-law with the mother-in-law is not your family, so the motive is weak and you are a beast.

But for the mother-in-law, you are not her family, and your husband is already now more than yours than it, so her motive is also not strong.

What a resume: Neither you nor your mother-in-law do all the work on home are not ready.

What to do? You can, as you have already tried to "leave the ball to each other." Such a solution leads only to conflict. What you actually came to.

And now simple psychological movement.
Never! You can never criticize a person. Nor husband, nor daughter, not a friend, no one! This causes offense, a protective reaction and a guaranteed conflict.

It is necessary to discuss actions.

The child is not a sludge, whose always dirty hands, and: look, blurred handles, they are dirty, let's wash them. Do not forget when you blur the handles to wash them. And I will suggest you while while you yourself will remember.

Technically looks like this: Sit at the table. Put the sheet of paper in front of you. And "draw" a mentally problem on the sheet. The main thing: without people.

Morning. Buck. Cooking, cleaning.
Evening, dinner, cooking, cleaning.
Saturday, shop, market, wash, big cleaning.

You can draw it on paper in a circle. And in the second, larger mug, draw people to which it is related.

Get four people. Who solves all these questions? For one person, any, too much. For two easier. For four, just lightly))).

Collect the whole family, put the leaf on the table, warn that no one can talk about a person, and can only speak about the actions of a person. Does not talk about the past, but speaks only about the present and the future.

Here we have such things. We all use it. It's four of us. Wake of business in the column and in the graphs, each. And now what kind of cases are affected by what emotions.

Washing dishes? I- 2, mother-in-law - three, petroleum, husband- 4. Oh, her husband is less than others disgusting dishes. My husband washes the dishes. Etc.

Another way.

At the moment when you love and regret my mother-in-law, call it to joke. Do not say that in the focus I did not take into account how it is already hard for her already four adults to drag on themselves. Tell me what is hard for you. Make sure how to share duties for two. She is preparing_y you clean, she erases, you go to the store. Yes, still arrange a joint conspiracy against men: What are these such Bugaev to serve? Let's wisely wisely their teaching dishes to wash, garbage to take out, walk behind potatoes.

I do not know the features of your family, but I know for sure that with a positive setting you will come up with your scenario, which you will not only help overcome the crisis, but also give a chance to improve what is: to get close to your mother-in-law, for example. And the husband will appreciate you anymore, and this is not so unavailable in great life.

And if you disappear, you will lose both.

Is that to cook every one of you will be less than two portions. But so a full complex of affairs will make each. What fought for? And as a result, a complete set of housewives for each. And so there is a chance of each of you make your life easier.

The daughter-in-law is often asked to ask how to live with mother-in-one house, while not quarrel.

Help in this tips of psychologists.

Life under one roof - Psychology

You moved to the house to the mother-in-law - and here practically probably problems will arise, especially at first.

1. The mother-in-law is on its territory. She feels like a hostess at home. Here are acting its rules, routine.
2. Mother-in-law got used to a certain rhythm of life, and a young couple violates the current atmosphere.
3. Two owners problematic to get along in one kitchen. Most likely, mother-in-law will be critical to the daughter-in-law. Perhaps she thinks he wants to do good giving advice, not always realizing that his son's wife can annoy it.
4. Most Mother Mothers unhappy with the daughter-in-law. This is primarily due to jealousy, the fact that the Son no longer belongs to her.
5. Important ability and desire of both sides to compromise.

It often happens that mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are trying to interfere in their man, hoping for his support.

He is forced to be between two lights, loving both women, and it is difficult for him to take one side, not offended by another.

How to get along in the same apartment?

Some simple rules help make a joint life easier:

To break from constantly presence of mother-in-law, spend time with her husband together - rest, restaurants, walking in nature.

How to find a common language?

Your mother-in-law has a great luggage knowledge, and you may well move this experience. Ask her to teach you to prepare some delicious dish. It will be nice that you ask her advice.

If you just settled in the apartment, do not start immediately actively defend your rights, give the mother-in-law to get used to the fact that you now live in their home.

However, it is important to make it clear that you are now full member of the familyYou have a personal space with my husband, to interfere in which is not always correct.

A joint business unites. Offer your help in cleaning, climbing vegetables, in the country.

If you live together, you will have to help mother-in-house mother-in-law, since now you are a full-fledged family member and leads a joint life.

Mother-in-law is a mother who loving his son, and like any mother, she is experiencing, because now another woman has taken poses with his attention.

She will have to acceptwith the presence of daughter-in-law, but it does not always happen. Some mothers do not want to compromise, take their son's wife, and no action, attempts to establish contact do not help.

How to endure my husband's mother?

Annoying mother-in-law, live together: how to be? Your task is first learn to cope with your own emotions. Another person is not responsible for your condition and mood, as you do not answer for his feelings.

Try to abstract if the mother-in-law is constantly picked up. In the end, you are not obliged to react to its accusations, screams, complaints. You can pretend what are listening, but perceive and memorize information is not necessarily.

It is likely that without meeting the response and resistance, the woman after a while will soften and wants to come to contact.

Excellent reception - try to find in the mother-in-law. In each person there is something positive. Perhaps your mother-in-law is an excellent teacher or she cooks well, and maybe she is a creative person.

Find positive qualities in it, And then it will be easier to communicate. Ask her about the years of youth, as she met her husband, let him tell about the childhood of his son.

Good memories soften people. If you are tie to one wave with my mother-in-law, it will be easier for you to find a common language.

Another way- Build relationships as if you are employees working on one territory. In this case, you do not need to show bright emotions - joy or anger, you simply organize communication on the business principle.

You meet in the morning, breakfast, solve joint questions, keeping the business style of communication. Over time, relationships can go to more friendly when the mother-in-law will understand that its daughter-in-law is, as far as she is successful in family life.

Learn to stand up for yourself. Once felt weakness, the mother-in-law will use it, and each time its pressure will increase. At the same time, it will begin to criticize you already in the open, discredit before the son, pointing to any your shortcomings.

That is why building relationships with relatives is important From the first day of co-stay.

However, the ability to stand up for itself does not mean scandals, conversations on elevated colors.

On the contrary, your speech must be as calm and convincing as possible. Tell the mother-in-law that you don't like and why. Be sure to indicate the cause, not just: I do not want.

How to diversify family life? You will find on our website.

I can not live with mother-in-law: what to do?

It also happens that conflicts of daughter-in-law and mother-in-law occur daily. To live together is no longer possible - husband suffers, children, wife. The mother-in-law survives daughter-in-law from home, climbs into relationships, trying to destroy them.

Attempts to remain calm, we do not behave patience. In this case, the most acceptable option is to move to another apartment.

The health of your family should be in the foreground, so if the situation came out of control, then it is better to find separate housing. You can rent an apartment or take a mortgage.

If you all the time were as calm and reasonable, then the tactical step will be a conversation on elevated colors.

Once your emotions are glowing so much that they need to throw them out.

Express in the open What does not suit you, show your anger that has accumulated inside.

Tactics are not suitable for everyone - it is important to take into account the character of a person and its possible reaction.

After such rapid manifestations before the mother-in-law can finally getthat there are moments that you are not satisfied.

A short and acute conflict must be single and not erased into habit.

How to convince the spouse to settle separately?

The husband does not want to go away from Mom - this is a big problem.

Woman wants to live with us: what to do?

The mother-in-law decided to live with you, and you, of course, do not want it.

This desire most often arises from lonely women or those who want to fully control their sons even after he married.

What to do in this case:

• let the Son directly explain the mother that it is impossible;
• explain to her that you have your own rhythm, your own life, and you have the right to independence;
• a young family should live separately from parents - this is one of the factors of family happiness;
• talk to my husband and tell me that you are not against if my mother will come to visit, but do not want her to live with you for specific reasons - these reasons must be voiced;
• if the decision is made, and the mother of her husband moves to you, try to calm down and think over the tactics of communication with it - do not let her opportunity to pick up power in your home in your hands, immediately set the borders.

How to survive it from our house?

If the mother-in-law appeared in your home and stayed there to live immediately set the borders.

Do not let it command them, change the location of things in your home.

Not necessarily roll the scandals, it is enough to talk to talk that here your territory and hostess you.

There are more stringent measures, for example, turn on loud music, to bed late to go, invite guests, that is, to do everything so that the mother-in-law felt the maximum discomfort.

The main thing is to do it so that no one is offended, but at the same time give to understand the person that he is superfluous and does not fit into your lifestyle.

One of the right ways - spent directly. It is necessary to decide on the conversation, and better if the husband will support you. Explain the mother-in-law that you appreciate it and respect, but a young family wants to live separately.

In communicating with mother-in-law, the main thing - be able to be patient, stay calm and not respond to provocations from her side.

How to get along with mother-in-law? PSYCHOLOGY AND RULES OF THE CONFERENCE OF RECENBER:

Hearing that coming married, you are going to settle in the house of the mother-in-law, married girlfriends are likely to come to horror. However, it happens that the opportunity to live separately with a young family is still not. How to be?

The main problem is to divide with the mother of the sphere of influence with her husband. Any woman needs her home, and since you leave a "coupled" place for the sake of her husband, you have the right to expect that the new place will be for you a new home. However, mother-in-law lived there long before you and with the household coped well.

Love? Just - respect

If you decide to settle in the house of mother-in-law, you become a member of her family. Determine for myself, does the mother-in-law suit you, as a person as a whole? Ask yourself, are you ready to consider my husband's mother's member? Are you ready to say every morning with her, and if possible, friendly? Are you ready to sincerely choose a birthday gift for her? Are you ready to share her son with her? If you are internally considering it, as the "extra" person, how to interfere with your family happiness, - your imaginary idyll is under threat. Weigh all healthy, before the wedding.

Definition of borders

At the stage of entry of the "New Mistress" into the house of her husband, all conflicts between the bride and mother-in-law occur at all because one of them did some specific "not that", but due to the violation of one side of the borders of the personal space. For each person, these boundaries are located in different places, and to determine the "Scientific Put" method - flammable. To live in one house with a new person who belongs to another generation, and formed as a person in absolutely different than you, conditions, perhaps only if you remember every minute: you and mother-in-law - absolutely different.

Do not rely on intuition, especially - to your own opinion, it only hurts to you in this situation. Discuss a joint life in advance, and as far as possible, find out everything openly and to the smallest detail. Remember that your family status is lower than that of mother-in-law on a variety of reasons: she is your husband's mother, she is older, she is a housewoman at home where you are going to live. The point is not that the role of Cinderella is forever prepared. However, it is you should ask my mother-in-law, how she sees your participation in the household. First of all, you yourself are interested in building a good relationship with my mother, so do not wait for it to share with you with your views. Start the conversation first

Financial issues with her husband discuss even before moving. You must clearly know, in which direction in the family flow financial flows. The difference in age and tastes often prevents the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law to have a common budget and live peacefully at the same time. A young woman is much more important as she looks like, as far as the greenhouse is at the dacha. In most cases, a good output from the position is, still, a separate budget with a common economy, and many mother-in-law insist on this. You will find yourself at the same time get rid of the title of "spoiled Motka" and from the need to remember all the time about gardening inventory. The mother-in-law will be insured against the receipt of the shock due to the fact that it will learn the ticket price for the fashionable theatrical premiere.