Little kids are fighting. What to do if a child fights: advice from a psychologist. Child fighting in kindergarten or school

The crumbs always touch their parents. For one toothless smile, they are forgiven a lot. But not all. And for the time being. Some parents are faced with completely different behavior of the child, which they dreamed about. A kid at a certain age begins to beat his mom and dad. About what to do if the baby fights, moreover, with the closest ones, says Evgeny Komarovsky.

Why is this happening

By fighting, kids express their accumulated aggression. Many mothers notice the first attempts to do this as early as six months. The child does not yet know how to speak, but he already knows how to arch his back with a “wheel” and desperately and rather viciously yell if something is not for him. A little later, the children may begin to pinch. After a year, the baby knows how to bite perfectly, and a one-year-old baby does this not out of malice, but because it is not yet able to cope with negative emotions adequately.

The most “problematic” protest age starts at the age of 2, closer to three years. Here, even the previously quiet and calm children can begin to show aggression and irritability.

However, a three-year-old fighter, who is used to solving problems with his teeth and fists both at home and in kindergarten, should alert his parents more seriously. Only one age stage and petty hooliganism cannot explain aggression at 2-3 years old. Usually this is an insufficient development of speech, which makes it difficult to find words to describe their feelings, a chronic lack of attention from adults, and sometimes symptoms of a nervous or psychiatric disorder.

Psychologists are almost unanimous - the main reason for children's unconscious aggression is the irritability of parents, especially mothers. According to the statistics available to child psychologists, four out of ten children have ever tried to use force against loved ones, in half of the cases the problem has become catastrophic when the child has become a real tyrant in his family.

Most often, parents of such aggressive children complain that the baby bites, spits, and also beats adults and even throws various objects that come to hand.

Komarovsky about the problem

The authoritative pediatrician Yevgeny Komarovsky has seen such children in his practice, and more than once. He categorically disagrees with the assertion of psychologists that you need to be patient and peacefully exhort the little tyrant and convince him (in words!) that “it hurts mom and grandmother.”

All aspects of child aggression will be discussed with Dr. Komarovsky in the next video.

Soft and democratic pedagogical measures do not work in this situation., says Evgeny Olegovich. And if they work, then in exceptional cases. This is because aggression is nothing but an instinct, one of the strongest ancient human instincts. And it is impossible to fight instincts with any pedagogical methods.

In most situations with little fighters, only one thing works: to answer identically. Not a single manifestation of child aggression should be left without the attention of parents; an adult “victim” should immediately respond to every bite or blow.

If bitten, Komarovsky advises to bite back, if hit, do the same. Naturally, adults need to measure strength, but the answer should not be too sparing, since the child must understand from his own experience what is painful and insulting.

Moreover, Evgeny Olegovich advises mothers to comfort a screaming or whimpering child as little as possible after this “identical answer”.

If you are interested in the question of how to deal with an uncontrollable child, look at the next issue of Dr. Komarovsky on this topic.

Yevgeny Komarovsky emphasizes that the reciprocal, necessarily controlled aggression cannot speak of a mother's lack of love for her child, and even vice versa.

If you love him very much, you are unlikely to want to grow up a pathological personality with a sense of your own impunity and permissiveness.

Important

Outside of a conflict situation in which, according to the Komarovsky method, you gave a tough rebuff to a small aggressor, the behavior towards the child should not change. Mom should remain the same kind and affectionate, always ready to help. Then, according to the well-known pediatrician, the child will begin to form another very useful instinct - he will learn to respect the elders and the strong, he will understand that it is better not to provoke pain reactions, and he will also be able to quickly draw a parallel between his pain from your bite and yours during it. aggression.

Gradually, attacks on adults and peers will become less and less frequent, and then they will completely disappear and be forgotten.

Quite often, parents suffer from misunderstanding on the part of their child. If a child at the age of 2 fights with parents and other children, such behavior often causes bewilderment and confusion on the part of mom and dad. Parents simply do not know how to properly respond to such behavior, what needs to be done so as not to aggravate and reinforce such a behavior pattern. Of course, it is recommended to consider each specific situation separately. But there are patterns in the behavior of all children of this age period, and each baby just goes through them differently. The family plays a big role: if a child has brothers and sisters, then most likely the relationship model will be completely copied from older brothers and sisters.

In order to better understand your child, it is worth familiarizing yourself with the stages of his mental development in two years. This will help not only to understand him and realize how best to build relationships with him, and what measures in education are best used.

So, the child in this period undergoes the following changes in development:

• The beginnings of self-awareness and self-acceptance as a separate person are born. It is easy to understand: in infancy, the baby and mother are one whole, and the child does not perceive, there is not even a germ of the thought that the mother exists separately, and he is separate. If breastfeeding occurs for a long time, then this relationship is prolonged. But starting from the moment when the child learns to walk and the first attempts to speak appear, a crisis arises. There is a separation from the mother, and the process of self-consciousness begins.
• At this age, active speech develops. Another very difficult and important moment for the baby is when he masters speech and is already learning to interact and come to mutual understanding. Indeed, quite often parents meet with aggression and even tears of the baby when they do not understand him. He can easily come up and strike out of indignation. Parents in this case should take the baby by the hand and explain that this is very bad behavior, and mom or dad does not like it at all. And in order to understand his desires, it is necessary to ask the child to show or ask leading questions, but just does not seek to guess. Otherwise, the expectations of the baby will always be tuned to the fact that parents should immediately guess what he needs.
• Thinking in children from 1-3 years old is visual and effective, and here, perhaps, the whole secret is hidden. See and do, repeat the same actions several times, consolidate your knowledge through actions. Gradually, intellectual development takes place, and at the age of 2-2.5 years, the baby already has an internal plan of action. Moms and dads should clearly understand that for a baby to think means to understand the emotional connection and take certain actions in a certain situation, as he himself perceives it.
• And of course, emotional development at this age stage plays a big role not only in relationships, but also in understanding one's desires. Toddlers of this age are all self-centered, in other words, only their desires exist for them. Parents need to be understanding and patient about this, but methodically and without negativity explain how the baby should act and react in a given situation. Yes, you should not expect that mom and dad will be heard right away, but repeated repetition and the same reaction of parents to the baby’s behavior will help develop the right reflex and eventually understand the situation itself.

If parents understand how the baby perceives this situation, how exactly he sees it, then it will be much easier for them to choose words and, accordingly, respond to his behavior.

It is necessary to understand some common situations of aggressive behavior of two-year-old children, and how a parent should respond to them.

At this stage, children, as already mentioned, are egocentric, and they simply do not yet know how to empathize. Now in their life is the most opportune moment for mom and dad to teach them precisely empathy, the presence of their own boundaries and the boundaries of another person. Of course, no matter how trite it may sound, but this is exactly how a child should at least know and constantly hear that others also have their own desires and feelings.

For example, a kid tries to get a certain object out of his toy box, but he doesn’t succeed, he starts to get angry and, most importantly, this anger has no direction yet. He's just angry that he can't get what he wants. Because of this, he begins to cry and hits a nearby parent or a rushing to his aid. At this moment, the child splashed out anger specifically on mom or dad. And another very important point: he probes the boundaries of what is permitted.

It is advisable not to react strongly and emotionally to this and, of course, in response. You can stop the blows with a strong grip of the hand. You should sit down at the level with the child, and looking into the eyes, strictly say that you do not like this behavior, as it is very bad. It is important not to give a negative characterization to the child himself, not to say that he is a bad boy or girl. These words act as labels and can adversely affect the formation of self-esteem in the future.

There can be many examples. Often, moms and dads get lost when they encounter this problem in a public place, such as a store. The child fights, demands and screams, rarely, but still it happens. The best way is to ignore or calmly explain your position. If there are two parents, then it is better for one of them to take the baby in his arms, hug him with love and take him out of the store. Children at this age switch very easily. Going out into the street, you can offer to see what kind of cars or birds, or supposedly a running rabbit, or anything that can distract him from the current situation.

It is more difficult for parents when there are several children of different ages in the family, and each has its own claims to parents, toys and other things that have to be shared. Because of jealousy, children are often angry at them for hugging a brother or sister. There is already a need for attention and the constant presence of parents in the actions, games of the baby.

Co-creation helps well, for example, where parents with a child draw their family. It is important to portray everyone close to each other holding hands, and at the same time tell a story and repeat how much mom and dad love their child. It is impossible to spoil a child with caress and love, but it is very possible with excessive demands or a negative attitude. Sometimes parents should watch how they communicate with each other. Quite often, children simply copy and repeat the behavior of their loved ones, only their negativity can also manifest itself with fists.

The child fights with peers

Starting from this age, the baby can already attend kindergarten, early development groups and increasingly play with children on playgrounds. A completely new stage of relationships begins for him: he learns to behave in society. In a child, communication is still based on emotions, and cooperation with others is not yet clear to him, in connection with this, conflict situations often arise. Communication with other children is just beginning, and it is important to help the baby learn how to build it correctly. It must be remembered that emotional reactions at two years old are a natural phenomenon, and they are directly related to his desires.

For example: summer, children play on the playground. They did not share the toy, one child beats the other, and then the conflict arises not only among children, but also among mothers. To avoid this, parents should do the following.

The child is small, and therefore it will not be true to believe that he can already play on his own with children. Mom should be nearby, but it is to be and control the process. If the baby is on the playground for the first time, then you should take him by the hand and, leading to the children, greet the kids and give your child the opportunity to inspect everything and choose what to do for himself. Further, it is better to play the role of an observer, and at the right time to advise or show how best to behave.

What can be done?

What to do if a child at 3 years old constantly fights and bites? Beating mom and dad, kids on the playground? Despite the fact that children at this age can show aggression, teaching them how to properly communicate with others should begin immediately. Let's try to figure out why children at the age of three can fight, and what parents should do about it.

A three-year-old child does not yet understand the limits of his own freedom, but he is well aware that there are ways to make others fulfill his desires. Why are the kids fighting? Let's talk about it.

3 year old child fighting with children

The way a three-year-old child beats other children can be observed quite often. Especially in kindergarten or on the playground. Usually in this way children demonstrate their own strength or attract attention. In both cases, we can say that the child has chosen the wrong way to adapt in society. He resorts to his strength for any trifles.

3 year old child hitting mother

Why does a child at 3 years old beat his mother and fight with his parents? This phenomenon also occurs frequently. To understand why this happens, it is necessary to follow the onset of attacks of aggression. Often the reason that a 3-year-old child beats parents is a response to any punishment, including physical ones. In addition, a three-year-old child fights with mom and dad because he perceives it as a game. He likes that the blow is followed by resentment, and then the long-awaited reconciliation and kisses with hugs. That is, the kid is attracted by the process itself, and he starts to fight again and again. Therefore, his attempts to strike must be stopped immediately, in which case he will begin to think.

Why does a 3 year old fight?

So after all, why does a three-year-old baby show aggression? In general, there are several reasons for this:

• Your child is not familiar with other ways of expressing feelings. At such a young age, children sometimes do not have enough words to express their feelings, so they express them in this way.
• The child wants something forbidden. At this age, they want to get everything at once and often, if you forbid it, they begin to assert their rights.
• The kid needs the help of parents. Sometimes children fight if something doesn't work out for them. They feel annoyed and begin to show aggression precisely because of this.

Why does a 3 year old bite?

Babies usually bite to show their helplessness or fear. For example, if they lose in a fight with a peer. Also, the habit of biting other children and adults may be associated with problems in self-expression or self-control in the baby. That is why it is best to show the child to a child psychologist so that he gives an accurate answer to your question.

How to wean a child at 3 years old to fight

What to do if a child fights at 3 years old? First of all, parents should be patient, as they will need time and energy to fight pugnacity. No need to show a violent reaction - it will not help. If children fight among themselves, they need to be separated, and then pay attention to the victim.

If a child beats his parents, you need to take him by the hand and move away from him. In no case should you punish and beat the baby.
Also, with manifestations of aggression, you can distract the child with something. A new activity will quickly help him switch.

Also, be sure to talk to your child. Tell him that you are upset by his behavior. Ask why he shows aggression and attacks with his fists. Do not forget that your baby simply does not yet know how to express his emotions in other ways, and your direct task is to teach him.

Young mothers, observing manifestations of aggression in their babies, often do not know how to react to it. In most cases, everything ends with a prolonged hysteria of the child after a “deserved” punishment. We have collected information that will help parents of children-fighters aged 3-5 to identify the causes of aggression and respond correctly to its manifestation in children.

Why children fight: causes of aggression in children 3-5 years old

It is generally accepted that aggressive behavior is a child's reaction to external stimuli. In most cases it is difficult to disagree with this. In those moments when the child is just learning to interact with the outside world and people, aggression serves as a certain defense mechanism. Therefore, its manifestations are natural, but should disappear within a short period of time. If attacks of uncontrollable rage become more frequent and last unreasonably long, then specialists diagnose a pathology in the social development of the child.

Causes of aggression in children 3-5 years old:

• A kind of exploration of the world. It is with the help of blows or pushing of peers that the kid learns the reaction of parents, just adults who are nearby and the "test subjects" themselves to such behavior. It defines the boundaries of what is permitted and it is not worth calling these manifestations of aggression. Usually, the child himself does not change his mood during such experiments, that is, he remains calm.
• The manifestation of aggression and anger. Often, aggression in a child appears if what is desired for a toddler is not achievable. Find out the need that the child has at the moment, and explain why it cannot be satisfied or, on the contrary, satisfy it, if possible. Offer a replacement, such an exchange can calm the child and show that his opinion is important to parents. Children easily agree to compromises offered by adults who are authoritative for them. Do not try to respond to the displayed aggressiveness with your own irritation, as this will develop into a clarification of "who is in charge", and the suppressed emotion will do the child a disservice in later life.
• At the age of 3-5 years, expressing his opinion, the child is very egocentric. That is, he still cannot agree with his peers, but in general he needs clear guidance from his elders. The planning of the situation and the vision of the future have not been worked out, the line between fantasy and reality has been erased. A child, seeing on TV how an adult defends his territory, believes that he should do the same. Aggression in this case is just a peeped skill. Next, we will describe what methods of explanatory work will be effective in this case.
• Misbehavior of parents and adults that are near the child. Inadequate behavior of parents in everyday life, in front of the baby, dislike expressed by parents too clearly, resentment arising through the fault of parents or circumstances, insults from elders or threats can negatively affect the child.

A small child fights: what should parents do?

To help a child overcome aggression, parents will have to learn to be patient and talk to their child correctly, listen to him to the end and use simple ways to distract attention. The practical advice below has been developed by professionals working with aggressive children. All of them have passed the test of time and are recognized as the most effective for solving such issues.

To prevent aggressive behavior in a child of 3-5 years old, experts advise:

1. Teach your child to express anger , choosing an acceptable form for this (we work with manifestations of aggression).
2. Show baby how recognize your own anger and control yourself.
3. in a playful way develop empathy and compassion for others.

These general recommendations are implemented in a variety of ways. Talking and playing, modeling similar situations using favorite toys or fairy tale characters, sports games and switching attention - each of these methods is effective in dealing with aggression in a baby.

Examples of effective methods to eliminate aggression in children:

• When a child feels irritation, anger, resentment, invite him to draw or what he feels. But at the same time, be sure to ask to tell what he does and feels at the same time. Most likely, the story will be about the real causes of aggression in a child. Focus your baby's attention on feelings, so that later you can help him identify them and control them on his own. Distracting his attention, you will not let scandal and hysteria flare up.
• Sew a pillow and announce that it is a "piss bag". Ask the baby to beat her as soon as he is annoyed, that is, put the bad in a bag. This will protect him from injury during a tantrum, will not allow him to beat and throw dishes or things.
• Explain that in the long run, pugnacity is not beneficial to him personally. . If he beat a peer, then he will no longer play with him. If it hits adults, then they will not want to communicate with someone who hurts them. As a result, one will be much more boring than in the company. You can approach the child whom your baby offends, hug and kiss him. Thus, attention is not paid to the fighter, and he quickly realizes that he can be left alone.
• Be sure to convey to the child the rules of behavior in the house and on the street. For example, “when we don’t fight, they don’t fight with us either”, “if we don’t offend, then they won’t offend us”, “toys can be taken when they are free”. Children strive for order and direction because it is difficult for them. So use persuasion with words and rules.
• Praise your child if he listened to your instructions , but do not use the word "good" (according to the observations of psychologists, babies do not react to it). Focus on how much pleasure he gave you with his restraint.
• Come up with joint fairy tales, where he is the main character . This will help to better understand the feelings, as when drawing and sculpting. Using effective methods, you will help your child understand how to behave and how to behave.
• Participate in competitions more often and arrange sports games, physical fatigue leaves no room for mental irritation.
• Leave paper or old newspapers in an accessible place for the child to tear. Explain in advance that in this way you will find out about his anger, and he will not break anything. Stomping your feet or strong breaths at the moment of an attack of aggression, as well as boxing with sofa cushions and rubber toy hammers, are considered to be similar in strength.
• Recognition of anger can be taught with the help of posters or drawings that the baby will draw. Ask to depict different emotions and do not remove the drawing. Agree that the baby can show you on the poster what he feels. This will help prevent outbreaks of aggression.
• The kid will learn to sympathize and empathize with the dramatizations that he will conduct with his parents. Any toys and objects will do, because the imagination of children is much more developed than that of adults. Ask him to invent and talk about fictional characters. Discuss with the children who is right and wrong in the situations they invented. During the game, information is perceived better than during a lecture about misbehavior.

Sometimes let your child make noise, run, jump and yell. It is better to let the baby throw out energy under your supervision than in a fight with other children.

It is necessary to show the child to a psychologist if fights, manifestations of aggression continue regularly for six months.

How to wean a child to fight: the opinions of psychologists

Anna Berdnikova, psychologist:

Before you react in any way to your child's aggressive behavior, listen to your feelings: what are you experiencing? This is important because by the feeling you experience, you will determine what is really happening and how to respond to what is happening.
During the next outbreak of aggressive behavior of the child, listen to your feelings. What do you feel? Bitterness and resentment? Or anger and desire to defeat this little villain, to show him who is in charge here? If the latter, then you have firmly fallen into the trap of a struggle for power.
What to do in this situation? The very first step is to try, as far as possible, to evade the struggle. Because by continuing to fight, you start the situation in a circle.
If you feel resentment, then you need to ask yourself: what made the child hurt you? What is his own pain? How did you offend or constantly offend him? Having understood the reason, it is necessary, of course, to try to eliminate it.

Child psychologist T. Malyutina:

If (a child) bites or hits you, an adult, stop it. Don't be patient! Show that you are hurt, shout, cry. And then explain. If a child of 2-3 years old hit a child in the sandbox, take his hand, apologize to the mother of the victim, take the child away. But do not forget to praise when the child plays calmly, shares toys. Show that feelings can be expressed in words. Until the baby himself has learned to explain what is happening to him, do it for him. “I don’t like that you beat me, it hurts me, but I understand that you are angry because I forbade you ...” When the child grows up, just ask: “You don’t need to beat me, better tell me what you don’t like?” Until the age of 4, until the child is aware of his feelings, speak for him, and then he himself will be able to express dissatisfaction with words, and not with his fists.

Psychologist Olga Tseitlin about fights between children in the same family:

Often parents protect one of the children, usually the weakest or youngest, and ask the children to do as he wants. In the elders, this causes resentment and a desire to take revenge on the younger. They can do it unnoticed by adults. If the parents protect the younger, he feels like a winner, and he continues to pester his brother or sister. Parents do not understand that by such actions they only fuel the rivalry between children. Parents often fail to notice the provocations of a "nice" child who provokes his sibling by kicking him under the table or whispering offensive words.

E. Komarovsky about the aggression of kids towards their parents:

Again, my attitude to how to correct such behavior does not correspond to what psychologists recommend. My opinion: if a child shows aggression towards adults, then this is the realization of certain instincts, but he also has another instinct: the child concedes if he sees that the one against whom he uses physical force is stronger. Therefore, whenever a child raises a hand (or a foot) against his mother, one must allow oneself to respond with controlled aggression. Not a single aggressive physical action of a child in relation to adults should go unpunished. Adults have a huge number of ways to control the behavior of children, because the whole life of a child depends on an adult. It is you who give your daughter sweets and goodies, buy toys, perhaps turn on cartoons - and in all this you can limit the child if he does not behave the way you want. In any case, the topic raised is not pediatric, but definitely psychological. This I mean that everything you have now read is not the advice of a specialist, but the opinion of your doctor friend, who is not an expert in child psychology.