If the husband is a whiner and condemns everyone. Bores, Whiners, and Complainers: People who are disappointed. Become more attentive to him

Have you ever seen a man crying? They may have seen it, but this is a rather rare occurrence. But whining is usually enough.

The men whine, whine, they are unhappy with everything: “Oh, how hard it is at work. The chief nagged, and walked back, it rained so much that I got wet all over. And besides that, I got hungry, and at home there is nothing to eat, but can you imagine my colleague ... and so on. etc."
Whining should not be encouraged. Even, one might say, it is impossible in any case. Do not fall into the standard female pity: “My poor little one, tired, frozen, no one appreciates my genius, because they are all stupid. It's hard for you. Come here, I will feed you and sympathize. "

Why not encourage whining, and how do you do it?

Whining is one of the biggest causes of failure and unsuitability for life. After all, what is nagging? It is focusing your thoughts on your own or someone else's failures, instead of focusing on your goals and plans.

Accordingly, a person cannot achieve anything significant in life by his own efforts and ceases to believe in himself. And the consequence of this can be disappointment in life, cynicism, constant lies, illness and even alcoholism and drugs.
In addition, living with a person who constantly complains and whines is very difficult. Therefore, if you have such a problem, then it makes sense to pay some attention to it.

How to do it? Here are some working tips on this topic.

Disable your listening skills.

The skill to listen carefully to a man (and not only) is generally very valuable and can bring many benefits in family life. This skill implies that you actively encourage the other person to talk about themselves. You need to ask some special questions, paraphrase, take a certain position, look in the eyes, etc.

However, it is important not only to be able to actively listen to the interlocutor, but sometimes to be able to actively “not listen” to him. If your man starts whining, then you don't need to keep the conversation going. Do not ask leading questions, do not paraphrase the interlocutors. Do not look in the eyes and turn sideways, perhaps even do the cleaning or some super important, urgent business.

After some time, the man will begin to speak less and less emotionally and quite often ends the conversation. It's time to move on to the second step.

Change the conversation to another topic or start talking about yourself.

Maybe you were told that it is ugly to transfer the conversation to other topics when the interlocutor is talking about something important to himself? Ugly. I agree with that. When my wife tells me something, it’s ugly to translate the conversation. And I try to listen to her carefully.

When you translate a man's conversation, especially when he tells all sorts of his complaints and unnecessary things, then, in my opinion, it is quite ethical, beautiful, and most importantly - reasonable to translate the conversation to another topic.

It is also important that in 90% of cases it is not difficult. Just ask a question on a different topic, and that's it. It is desirable, of course, not “Did you take out the trash?”, But a question regarding his goals or hobbies.

You can just start talking about yourself. After all, listening to others a lot is harmful, it tires you and does not allow you to focus on your thoughts. You also need to be able to tell about yourself. So start talking about your affairs and interests. If a man doesn't know how to listen, then it's time for him to start learning.

Tell them bluntly that you are interested in his affairs, not excuses.

Or say that you are tired of a particular conversation, and you want to talk about its goals, about yourself, about raising children, etc.

It happens that a translation on another topic does not work. The man again and again returns to his petty grievances, excuses, constant discussions of some rumors, etc.

Then you can talk directly to the man and tell him that you are not interested in conversations on some topics.

For example, a man constantly talks about some disasters and murders that he watched on TV. You can say and repeat directly that you are not interested in disasters. You can't do anything anyway, and you are not interested in chewing the same thing several times.

Or, if a man is constantly whining about work, then you can say something like the following: "Darling, I realized that at your work there are some people who do not understand you who do not appreciate your genius. I am no longer interested in this. Tell me what you are going to do. to do with it. "

Forget empathy and help.

This point, because of its importance, needs a dedicated article or even a series of articles. The only thing I would like you to remember is that by compassion and help to a man you make a man a loser who does not feel even a gratitude towards you and will leave you at the first opportunity (will cheat).

In fact, a man does not need to give and borrow money, you don’t need to give up your hobbies for him and devote your career to him, you don’t need to help him dress, you don’t need to sympathize with him if he hits or fails. (If only just a little, for example, if a fracture, or a major failure). You can cite a dozen more things that do not need to be done, but I think the general meaning is clear.

It is better, for example, after a failure (when a man comes to his senses, of course) to say that you believe in him. Transfer his thinking to the future, let him be alone, periodically give him some tasks, etc.

Ask about what he really did during the day.

It rarely happens that a man does nothing at all and does not strive for anything. He usually does something at work and at home. Something he succeeds, but something does not. Ask more about his affairs. Particular attention should be paid to new or changes, where the results may not be great, but the difficulties are significant.

That is, in fact, all the tips. What more can be said? The habit of whining in a man is precisely a habit, often instilled from childhood by too compassionate mothers. But to some extent, this is even a habit of two people. A woman has a habit of listening to whining, pity and sympathy, while a man has a habit of whining. With all your desire and the desire of a man, she will not disappear in 1 day, even if you give her all your attention.

Therefore, of course, these tips can be used occasionally, to interrupt a specific conversation. But it's best if you devote a month or a month and a half to it. Get in the habit of talking about yourself and your business. About what you want, what you dream about, how it can be done, etc. Appreciate yourself and your life more, do not encourage a man's nagging and do not be "mummies."

It is believed that a man should be stronger than a woman in everything, should protect and protect his chosen one. But what to do if a man whines endlessly and needs protection himself? Let's whisper?

How to recognize a whiner

Sometimes a man's complaints are due to real problems - the death of a loved one, dismissal from work. The black streak can last long enough, and the wife needs to help her beloved overcome the difficulties that have piled on her. But more often than not, complaints are common whining, which should serve as a wake-up call for the spouse. So how do you distinguish a whiner from a person in a difficult life situation?

The first sign. The whiner is always unhappy with everything. Government, work, weather, food, health. Even if he receives a good salary, has a loving wife and wonderful children, such a person considers his life to be a failure.

The second symptom. He constantly presses on pity. Whiners are born manipulators who achieve what they want by putting pressure on the emotions of others.

The third sign. You have to spend a lot of energy and effort to comfort your man. You can no longer fully feel like a woman, because it is you who become the main person in the family, and not your spouse.

The fourth sign. In all the problems of the whiner, it is not himself who is to blame, but those around him. At the same time, every insignificant problem in the whiner's mind swells to enormous proportions.

It happens that a man's behavior changes due to disability and acquired disability. He begins to feel flawed and dependent, which is why he often complains about life. This is a difficult situation in which you need to see a psychologist.

If your loved one is healthy, but at the same time does not stop whining, you should think about whether you need to spend time on such a person. Whiners can turn a spouse's life into a real nightmare, and re-educating them can be problematic.

Psychological problems are always rooted in childhood. People who grew up without a father have a tendency to whine. And the mothers of such people were often overprotective of the child.

Should this behavior be encouraged?

The answer is unequivocal: No! The more a woman regrets her husband, the more he begins to whine. Whiners over time often fall into bad habits, because alcohol is a way to forget about life's disappointments for a while.

Endlessly wasting energy on supporting a person, you yourself will become exhausted and angry. And anger, as you know, leads to quarrels.

The whiner, accustomed to blaming others for everything, will soon begin to blame you too. It doesn't matter how much care you give to him and how much you strive to support, anyway, sooner or later you will be guilty of his troubles.

A strong man will be ashamed if he makes his wife feel sorry for him. A person who takes advantage of your pity is unlikely to be decisive and independent.

Another problem for couples in which a man tends to whine is the lack of sex life. After all, a woman begins to perceive her partner as a boy who needs to be taken care of, while she herself turns in the eyes of a whiner into a mommy, and not into a passionate lover.

One of the mistakes women make when confronted with whiners is competing in complaints. The logic is simple: “Are you bad? Look at my problems. " This behavior in a relationship usually ends badly.

How to wean a man from being a whiner?

Here are some tips from psychologists for those who want to retrain their partner to whine:

1. You are a woman, and you must show your husband that you are weaker than him. If he starts whining, say that you are very sorry, but you cannot help, because you have less strength and cannot cope with such difficulties. This behavior makes the man understand that he should solve problems on his own, and not rely on you.
2. Ask how the spouse is going to solve problems. Support him, but do not regret. “I know you are strong and you can handle it” - support. “Of course, they are all to blame, you cannot fix anything” - pity.
3. Share your joy with him, praise him for the positive. Let him know that happiness attracts you much more than endless discouragement.
4. Listen to him. Maybe he is in really bad health and should see a doctor? If he complains about your actions, then think - what if you really are not always right in your behavior?
5. Nothing helps? Ignore it. Don't get fooled by provocations, don't keep talking about how bad things are. Soon, your partner will realize that it is useless to share complaints with you.

Whiners are one of the most dangerous male psychotypes. They know how to hurt their loved ones and use it skillfully. And if you can't re-educate a whining man, maybe it's time to say goodbye to him and start living for yourself?

Most of us have traits that can annoy others from time to time. In the same way, your young man sometimes turns from a man of dreams into a terrible bore, whose girl you would not wish for an enemy.

Bored type

Excessive pedantry is a characteristic feature of those young people who had to grow up early. These are a kind of "Uncle Fedora" who became assistants to their mothers, playing the role of comforters and advisers for them. They felt loved and valued only when they could provide “adult”, intelligent support. And now they project onto others the image of a mother from their childhood, for which they were obliged to solve problems. In the psychological game "Persecutor - Savior - Sacrifice", bored men always try to play the role of the Savior. They unconsciously seek a Sacrifice that will need their wise guidance and which they will teach. Sometimes such help seems excessive, even persecuting, especially when the Savior is too persistent in his "teaching." In this case, do not be afraid to say "Stop!" To the bore. Thank you for the advice, say that you value his opinion, but you will make the final decision on your own. For a while, he may be slightly offended, but if you behave firmly enough and follow your decision, gradually your relationship will improve.

Be happy!

Psychologists say that building a strong relationship with a bore man, or other most dangerous psychological types of men, can be a woman who is ready to lay down the responsibility for her life on other people's shoulders and does not want to think and act independently. However, if for some reason the man also needs support, and the girl cannot provide it to him, their union can crack.

Cry and cry

Psychologists note that being dissatisfied with something for such people is a normal physical reaction to external stimuli, which originates from childhood. The inner child of this person is crying not because something terrible has happened to him, he just needs an emotional release.

Whiner men usually grow up in a family where the father is absent either physically or psychologically. And the mother is overly caring, trying to protect her son from all problems as much as possible. And at the same time, she is very anxious and, perhaps, even slightly jealous of her son's attempts to do something on his own. Mom and son are in a kind of symbiosis, in which, by default, the roles are distributed as follows: she is strong, smart, caring, and he is the one who takes this care, needs her. Growing up, a man is looking for a relationship that is familiar to him from childhood.

Unfortunately, the whiner never managed to grow up. And I haven’t learned to take responsibility for my life. He cries, whimpers, like a small child desperate for a caring mother to help him cope with this difficult life. As a rule, in a relationship, such a man takes the position of the Victim. And she always needs a Savior. A girl who is not ready only to support and be a kind of muse for her beloved, without asking for anything in return, is unlikely to be able to stay close to a whiner for a long time. Even though he will charm her with his sensitivity and sentimentality at the very beginning of the relationship. But if it is more important for you to love yourself than to feel a strong male shoulder next to you, then your couple has a future.

Will not forgive!

You are doing great with him, until suddenly something happens. But what this "something" is and why it touched him so, you have to guess for yourself. Perhaps later, the beloved will talk about how not to act so as not to offend him in the best feelings. But this will happen later, but for now, for several hours, you will see the displeased face of your man and hear only one answer to all questions - “normal”. And also to suffer from a misunderstanding of what in your behavior did not like him so much.

Excessive isolation in a conflict situation, unwillingness to talk, as well as a frown, most likely indicate that he lacks attention. Often this behavior can be quite deliberate manipulation. Your partner's resentment makes you feel guilty, and you are ready to give your warmth just to cope with this unpleasant feeling. The reasons for being too touchy, like many other problems, are in childhood. Perhaps the parents were restrained in their feelings and rarely praised their little son, each time preferring not to notice that he was trying to get their attention with the help of resentment. And instead of loving himself and accepting for who he is, it becomes very important for the child how others evaluate him. Not getting what he wants, he accumulates annoyance for the whole world, which in adult life he demonstrates at every opportunity to those who could not give him enough attention and love.

The little boy in the grown man is too scared to ask for something openly and survive his own failure, and suddenly he is rejected. Therefore, resentment becomes, albeit strange, but a way of communicating with the outside world and a partner. Those who are often offended often think that they are underestimated, and need constant confirmation of their own worth, praise. Such a man is pre-configured for a negative attitude towards himself. He himself can initiate situations in which he will feel rejected and unrecognized, receiving a kind of masochistic pleasure from this.

Another common cause of resentment can be unjustified expectations. Your man was expecting from you, for example, an invitation to a party or to visit friends and, not receiving it, all his appearance demonstrates a universal resentment. He sincerely believes that you, like many others, should have guessed about his desires.

If a young man is too touchy, then you should be patient in dealing with him. Praise him for his achievements and successes, but avoid comparisons with others, for you the best is he, and only him! Try to find a "golden" middle between constant admiration and avoiding provocations on his part. Shift the man's attention from problems to the positive aspects of life. Show him that talking about hurt feelings can be less scary and dangerous! And at the same time, do not forget about your own feelings in communication - you should not make excuses and constantly apologize where you do not feel guilty.

He's a whiner! It's almost a verdict. The fact is that a whiner man causes much more rejection than a constantly lamenting woman.

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He's a whiner! It's almost a verdict. The fact is that a whiner man causes much more rejection than a constantly lamenting woman. Who is it for? Yes, from anyone you meet, not to mention those close to you. According to archetypal ideas, a man should be strong, smart, perspicacious, and preferably an alpha male. All this is wonderful. But, meanwhile, the type of "whiner" is alive, well and does not intend to disappear.

Between whining and real powerlessness, inability to accomplish something, one cannot equate. Whiners are able to move mountains, make a career, travel. And at the same time - to complain to everyone about their hard lot. And no matter what they say, whiners lack two things: self-irony and faith in a happy ending.

Whining is not self-doubt. This is pity for yourself, your beloved, who is the center of this fragile and unreliable world. But even whining can be done in different ways.

Type one. Common whiner

Its principle is simple: you cannot keep whining to yourself, it exhausts. His whining is a normal physiological reaction to external stimuli: frosty morning, cold coffee, unwillingness to leave the house. Anything can get under the distribution. With his grumbling, the whiner seems to be making a description of the world. But with purely negative characteristics.

How to communicate. There are two pitfalls you can fall into when dealing with an ordinary whiner. The first is to be too rude to him. That is, scold for whining. The whiner will crawl into his cozy shell and begin to feel sorry for himself with renewed vigor. Or even pour out your regrets on more kind-hearted fellow citizens. The second trap is to seriously delve into the problems of the whiner and try to provide him with real help. The difficulties of a whiner are most often metaphysical in nature: I chose the wrong specialty, I have no real friends, I am so lonely ... That is, problems for which there is no one to blame but myself.

That he is, in principle, very pleased with the alignment. The longer and more plaintive the whining, the less likely the whiner is going to change anything in his life. In other words, there are no real difficulties in his life.

Therefore, there are only two ways to behave with an ordinary whiner: to ignore him (in terms of the earliest possible break of all contacts) or to arrange real difficulties for him. One day we had to take a classic whiner with us on a mountain hike. About whom it was known in advance that complaints about an uncomfortable life were his main number. We took him not without apprehension, wondering what we would do with him in the middle of the road if he suddenly bored out of self-pity. But miracles! - our whiner, as soon as we left the threshold, he became unusually caring - and with everyone at once: he ran for water, made sure that no one was tired, distributed vitamins and redistributed the load. And about how he became a whiner again, as soon as we returned home, I will not tell you so as not to disappoint.

Type two. Whiner-Kassandra: "Well, I warned you"

As you know, Cassandra was able to predict only bad things. The good news is not her role. The classic "Cassandra" of the new era is Gromozeka from cartoons or books about Alisa Selezneva and the XXI century. The motto of the whiners-Cassandra is choosing the postulate: "Whatever is done, everything is for the worse." Therefore, as soon as the slightest trouble happens, a whiner of this type begins to overflow with a nightingale: after all, he warned! Why didn't they obey! Now blame yourself! And if with small troubles such behavior is rather amusing, then with large troubles it can greatly infuriate.

As evidenced by his nagging. He lacks attention. He lacks respect from interlocutors and attention to his expert knowledge. Grandmothers behave in the same way, telling you: “Have a cold? This is because you disobeyed when I asked you to wear a hat. "

Type three. Peacock Whiner: "I suffered so much, let's have sex"

He is courageous and immediately attracts attention. But on the very first evening of acquaintance (after the third glass, after the twentieth anecdote), he will rub his stubble dejectedly and confidentially inform you about his troubles. He is able to present his numerous rake trips as an exclusive life experience. You will have to listen to how his first wife left him, what failures he suffered after that, how he once got into a sobering-up station and how yesterday he had a fight with the boss, whose beefy self-satisfied muzzle asked for a brick.

As evidenced by his nagging. This whole epic of suffering is nothing more than his favorite form of self-presentation, an attempt to press on pity. Most often, female pity for such men is expressed in instant sympathy and a desire to become a mother and a savior to the sufferer. Well, in the future, good sex in the next few hours.

How to communicate... Don't bite this bait. Otherwise, after a while, you will have to witness how he again got into a sobering-up station, that his best friend turned out to be a scum, and that the boss's face at the new workplace again asked for a visit from a brick. And after a while he can be found in the company of a girl you don't know, pronouncing a text about how he suffered, and what a bitter experience he learned from this.

Candy-bouquet period. This is a sweet time when a man and a woman have not yet recognized each other. A man tries with pleasure to please his chosen one, and a woman is drowning in courtship, flowers and compliments. The first touches, sighs on the bench, an exciting kiss. Even if the relationship did not work out in the end, both fondly recall the period of courtship, when everything was fabulous, and the bad had not yet surfaced.

However, dear women, the courtship period is a very important time for you. It is at this moment that you must turn on your head and carefully look at the man's behavior. Everyone can buy flowers; even a mentally retarded person can learn some compliments. But actions always betray a man with his head.

This article will focus on a very unpleasant type of men - whiners. A whiner is not just a sucker or a rag. A whiner is a person who does not hesitate to complain about fate. In general, the wildness is blatant! For a man, in principle, a crush to cry. A man can cry without shame only in one place: at the reception of a psychotherapist. For money. Farther. Crying to a woman who is not even a wife yet - what does he even want from her? Is he so? Lost all over? My wife doesn't have to cry. Go to a psychotherapist! And here - to the woman, whom, in theory, he is courting.

In fact, a man is looking for a woman. But he immediately and deliberately looks for that very dray Russian woman who will stop a galloping horse, into a burning hut, and the borschik will cook, and will lead the tank. And he will drag a peasant drunk from a puddle of vomit home, and wash it there, and wipe someone else's lipstick from him sparingly, and will earn money herself, and give him money for the prefix. Each person, when they start dating someone, emits certain waves. Consciously or not. Such a man emits a wave of "I'm so pathetic, take me under your protection." On dating sites, whiners can often be found by the phrases: "I will give myself in good hands", "Take me to you", "I am looking for a woman who will take someone like me into her hands."

In a normal woman, who herself expects protection from a man, a whiner will cause disgust and a gag reflex. And rightly so. Because he himself asks for protection - this time. He is not trying to dissolve the feathers in, which means he is not trying to get this woman - he wants to get him - that's two. What normal woman needs this?

I had a case - ridiculously. The man called in a cafe for coffee. Like a date. First. We sit, and he starts a bagpipe about how difficult life is, how difficult it is to earn money, but also the salary was not paid, and such and such difficulties ... After 15 minutes of this gimp, I said that I had come on a date not at all to serve a drain pit for someone's bad mood. And a man with a claim to a relationship. He was very surprised and said - Achetakova, we are friends, and friends help each other. I told him that becoming a friend to him is not at all in my plans - for this he has his sidekicks. And he, it seems, was going to look after me, and not to sit on my neck. Another, after a single meeting, decided to call me already at 3 am (I don't sleep at night - I usually work) and ask me to look in Google how he can go from the place where he is to the house. When asked why he didn’t do it himself, he replied that he didn’t really understand where he was. This is Peter. Navigator? Geolocation? Ask people? Ask your comrades. in the end - no? Why is it necessary to fiddle with the one for which he would, in theory, take care of, since there are claims to a relationship ?!

But that's not all. Throughout my life I have met men with ... very disabilities. So limited that simple movement is very difficult for them. Can you imagine a person for whom getting to the restroom is a great feat? Do you know how you can live when your hands and feet hardly obey you? But you can, both cheerful and optimistic. And at the same time, find ways to earn money, not complain about life and not particularly resort to the help of other people. And then healthy, mentally full-fledged men begin to wiggle snot on their fist, how hard and how bad everything is. Yes, let them shake as much as they want, but these are not at all the guys who need to be chosen as husbands or lovers. I hope you do not have this female "reeducate and rework" bug? You can only remake those who want to remake themselves. And it is convenient for whiners. They are used to living this way. Before that, they somehow managed to cut down nishtyaki by whining. So they continue. And they will continue until the system gives a serious failure. And your "stop whining" is unlikely to be such a failure.

Complaints during courtship, a woman's requests for help (especially when a man is able to solve these problems without a woman), requests to borrow money from a woman (in general, FUUU is disgusting!) Are clear and direct signals that this is not your hero. Either a man is knowingly looking for a woman-savior, or he does not see a woman in you, but sees an ordinary korefan. Do you need it?