Why am I attracting the wrong men and how to deal with it? Jung's theory and advice from a psychoanalyst. Why women are attracted to "bad guys" & nbsp Psychology why are you attracted to such men

Surely you are familiar with beautiful, smart, decent women and girls who for some reason connected their lives with alcoholics, fighters, gamblers, revelers or absolutely irresponsible men. How do psychologists explain this phenomenon?

The acuity of sensations

According to experts, the attraction of women to bad guys (for such a special term - bad boys, was even coined) is understandable. First of all, this is the search for thrill emotional sensations

The most ambitious research on this topic was carried out a couple of years ago by Fernando Gutierrez. The study involved about a thousand men and women of heterosexual orientation. They all belonged to different types of personality, and some suffered from different forms of neuroses.

The severity of a particular type of personality is associated with the degree of neuroticism. In most cases, we are talking about healthy people who do not suffer from mental disorders. Neuroses are for them a standard defense mechanism that helps them cope with life's problems.

So, the most attractive for women were men with obsessive-compulsive personality type. They were also popular with their friends. According to experts, this was due to the fact that these representatives of the stronger sex, as a rule, had higher earnings and had a desire for order, as a result of which they gave the impression of reliable and serious companions.

However, although women viewed them as the ideal option for a permanent partner, strong love feelings were more often evoked by individuals of a neurotic and impulsive nature. Although neurotics are characterized by general anxiety and self-doubt, it was found that they are 34% more likely to be in long-term relationships and have 73% more children than other types.

In addition, impulsive individuals turned out to have more acquaintances and they more often entered into short-term relationships - apparently because impulsivity is usually combined with a desire for adventures. “Despite the fact that they are selfish and break the rules, they are brave, desperate and independent,” said Gutierrez.

A woman on a conscious level understands perfectly well that a neurotic is not the best option for a relationship. But on an unconscious level, she wants passions. That is why she enters into a relationship with an alcoholic, a fighter or an incorrigible womanizer. This provides the emotional intensity that many women need to feel fulfilled. After all, women are generally prone to outbursts of emotions.

Rescue object

Some women, psychologists say, it seems that only they alone can save the "bad guy", set him on the right path. So they forgive him for spree, pay his debts, treat alcoholism ... All this increases their own self-esteem, they feel like heroines. Often such a woman will justify the inappropriate behavior of her partner, even in situations where it seems absurd.

He is a "real man"

Bad guys, unlike good guys, often look and act like natural macho. They have an emphatically courageous appearance, they do not give themselves offense, they are not afraid to show aggression in relations with others. For some women, all these traits are just associated with real men. And it is the accentuated masculinity that usually triggers the sex drive.

Are Evolution Necessary Neurotics?

On the one hand, neurotics have an evolutionary advantage over members of the same obsessive-compulsive type, since they are more connected and attract more people, Gutierrez argues. But at the same time, neuroticism is not the characteristic that it is desirable to inherit. The situation, according to the scientist, is saved by the fact that, striving for intensive communication, neurotics come into contact with representatives of other types and give birth to offspring from them.

Meanwhile, some psychologists, notably Alfonso Troisi from Rome, disagree with the findings of Gutierrez's team. They believe that, firstly, the sample on the basis of which the analysis was carried out was too narrow, secondly, genetic factors were not taken into account in evolutionary forecasting, and thirdly, impulsive people could exaggerate the number of their connections and acquaintances, since prone to dishonesty and theatrical effects.

Well, maybe Troisi is also right in his own way, but it is enough to look around to see how often we make alliances with the "wrong" and inadequate people. Probably, there are still mechanisms that attract us to these partners.

The post Why women are attracted to the "bad guys" appeared first on Smart.

There are women who are always attracted to the bad guys. If you feel that you belong to this category, let's try to figure out what is the cause of your troubles.

You are too soft-hearted

You do not know how to refuse, and men, who are born manipulators, deftly take advantage of this. It is difficult for you to complain about feeling unwell, it is difficult to say no, and it is difficult to communicate your true emotions. You're too kind. Unfortunately, in the modern world, this quality is perceived as a weakness.

You are trying to make the world a better place

You notice that there are spoiled and cruel people with bad energy around you, but you see your sacred purpose in the desire to change them. Get rid of the savior complex, this will save you both time and nerves. You need the same open and bright partner with whom you can be on the same wavelength.

The desire to give oneself without a trace

Your self-sacrifice can be appreciated only by close relatives and trusted friends. But if you sacrifice yourself to a man whom you have known for half a year, it means that you do not respect your needs and desires.

You don't delineate boundaries

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, and if you fail to create them, the bad guys will always exploit this vulnerability. Creating taboos and prohibitions is not synonymous with bitchiness.

Excessive naivety

Naivety is your middle name. Your heart is open, and your trust in other people is so great that you give it to everyone indiscriminately. This excellent quality can turn against your interests if you have to deal with a manipulator. Don't let questionable people fill your life with toxicity.

Desire to be the tough girl

Sometimes you get bored of being a good girl and decide to try on the "tough girl" look. Bad guys can't wait to meet lost sheep who don't understand what they want out of life.

You can be convinced of the wrong

You cannot leave an explosive situation, as you are terrified of loneliness. This turns against you, as your partner can easily put pressure on your pain points. He will force you to admit that you are wrong when he himself is guilty. Break the cycle and stop lowering your self-esteem.

Fear of loneliness

It hasn't been long since your previous relationship ended, but you've already found a replacement for your ex-boyfriend. It never occurred to you that living for months without a relationship is okay.

You are not exuding confidence

Toxic guys notice that you don't love yourself, which is why they hover around you. If you were a little more confident in yourself, no one would be able to manipulate you.

Easy attitude to inconsistencies

You manage to calmly accept a man whose words are at odds with deeds. This discrepancy clearly indicates unreliability, but you do not notice it.

More and more often, women are discussing a topic that has become so popular in recent years: men become "shallow", become weaker, unreliable, soft, indecisive, etc.

What is it - a collective female hallucination or is there really something wrong with a strong half of humanity?

The three of us sat in a cafe, me and my two friends - such a little bachelorette party. What do we talk about when we see each other? Of course, about men.

Nastya today is just seething with irritation.

Can you imagine, I thought - he is a man, but he does not understand what at all! Until you kick him, he will not move ... But the worst thing is you know what? They are all like that! I remembered all my fans - they only looked male. And inside there is some kind of jelly ...

We have listened to her story for the hundredth time. Nothing new. Lenka, stretching languidly, remarked:

You are not catching up with something, Nastya. I just can't fight off these macho. One is better than the other. Come on, can I slip you someone? It's a pity, because the good guys disappear. All are so independent, with money, with their own business ... And why are they sticking to me? I'm married ...

As a psychologist, I have no task to justify men or condemn them. Let's just explore this phenomenon, because there is no smoke without fire, as they say. And if modern women complain that it is more and more difficult to meet a real "man", then there is some truth in this.

If you look at men in general, with an open mind, then they, for the most part, have not been so grinded. Among them there are many successful, wealthy, fully realized, many leaders, managers and business owners. The vast majority of key positions in all spheres of life, again, are in the hands of men.

Let's make an amendment to the fact that a woman, when they talk about men in general, always mean some specific men, namely those who surround her. It can be a husband, admirer, acquaintance, friend, colleague.

Please note that there are women in whose lives such a situation has developed when men are shallow and tend to sit on their necks. Up to the complete absence of men in the immediate foreseeable space. But this does not happen in all women.

Other representatives of the fairer sex are surrounded by rather strong, independent men. For some, there is openly a queue, and men compete for the right to be a husband or lover.

For every woman - her own type of men

Obviously, certain women attract their respective men. They attract unconsciously, as if by accident.

And the stronger the masculine principle in a woman, the more likely it is that there will be men in her environment who have this masculine principle suppressed or underdeveloped. And in this a kind of harmony of the Universe is manifested: in you there is what I lack. Man and woman are like communicating vessels. And if it has increased somewhere, it will certainly decrease in another.

To a woman, this state of affairs seems unfair: where have all the men gone? And why does she need a man when she herself is this same man? It may sound rude, but in fact it is.

Feminine and masculine are two opposite poles. In every person there are both poles - of course. But which pole is stronger?

Many modern women are more and more realized in life according to the "male type", moving away from the female pole. Such a woman positions herself in life as a man, appreciates and respects herself for male qualities and achievements. For example, for career achievements, for the amount of money earned, for the ability to lead people and manage projects at work.

Modern women are becoming more independent economically, legally and socially. And it's not that men are shrinking. And the fact that some women grow up. If a woman's balance of masculine and feminine is skewed towards masculine, then next to such a woman it is very difficult, almost impossible for a man to feel like a strong half. There is no space for him.

Here are some obvious signs of a woman's masculinity.

She devalues and criticizes a man's achievements, his personality and abilities.
She is in the women's club "all men are goats" and actively discusses the worthlessness of modern men.
She competes with men, proving to them that she can do without them easily and naturally.

And, as strange as it may sound, most women find it difficult to accept care and support from men. And although they declare that they are only waiting for male help, in reality this is not so. It is much more important for them not to be obliged.

In trainings, I ask women: how often do you let a man open the door for you? Get you out of the car?

It turns out that most women consider this a trifle and prefer to be on self-service. But little things only signal about something more important, global.

As a result, such women are attracted to men who are ready to hide under the wing. And even if at first it was a man with inclinations for leadership and independence, then gradually, next to her, he becomes a son, because it is impossible to do otherwise. She takes responsibility for him, becomes his mother.

Woman wants to be right

The more a woman is outraged by the weakness of men, the more likely it is that they will meet her on the way. Why? Because she needs them to prove her right.

This correctness is expressed in the following phrases:

"What a man went ..."; "Yes, they are not good for anything", "You cannot rely on them"; "He can do nothing without me"; "You have to control everything yourself."

They may not even be spoken out loud, this is not necessary. It's just a special philosophy of a woman, in which a man is seen as a source of problems. And since the world only reflects what we think about it, then men as part of this world manifest themselves in accordance with our views.

The weakness of a man is a question for each particular woman. And if men are like that in your life, ask yourself: what do you think of them? What is your philosophy, your beliefs about men? What are you doing to ensure that there is no room for a strong person in your space? Where do you want to be right about men?

And if you are not too happy with your rightness, do you really need it? Maybe you should reconsider your attitude towards yourself? Maybe it's time to see a Woman in yourself, and start seeing Men in men?

This can be tricky, especially if your mom has proven her life that men are weak, useless creatures. You don't have to take over this baton from her.

Perhaps your girlfriends are playing the same game. But you don't have to support the views of the people around you.

Try playing a different game.

Start with the little things. Do not grab the chair, let it move it for you. Let the man open the door for you. You can, of course, and most ... But then why do you need Him?

Mothers, grandmothers, teachers

Upbringing in childhood, as you know, also plays an important role. This number of "weak" men (as they are usually called) is the result of the fact that boys are raised by women. This happens in single-parent families or where the dad does not have the right to vote. As a result, the future man receives the whole portion of female love and affection, however, he is completely devoid of a model of male behavior.

"Don't run there"; "Don't fight"; "Be careful"; "Be a good boy"; "Don't upset mom (grandmother)", etc. - these attitudes may not be bad, but they do not at all take into account the fact that a man should have healthy aggression and an inner core. And with such upbringing, it is almost impossible to get and develop.

In addition, if a mother has an incomplete family, then, as a rule, relationships with men are a problem for her. And she unconsciously passes on to her son the philosophy that being a man (in the sense, a man) is bad. A good, gentle, intelligent boy grows up, accustomed to relying on women in everything. With age, he is likely to move to another mother, i.e. wife.

// Psychological center of sexual culture "Stream of love"

If you are unlucky with men, then you need to stop looking for them ... While looking for. Take care of yourself. To begin with, love yourself and become a self-confident woman. Then you will see how the space will respond to your changes. The world always reflects our inner state.

Often women talk about their disappointment with men. After some time, after meeting with men, it begins to seem to them that all men are the same, and someone doubts and thinks that they are unlucky with men. "Why do I meet moral monsters, losers, mama's sons?" Let's try to figure out if there really are no normal men or we just don't notice them?

All men are the same or I'm unlucky

Remember the main rule - thoughts are material. If you think about a toothache for a while, your gums will ache. If you constantly say that the world around you is unfair, you cannot trust people, the bosses at work do not appreciate it - life will go on in gray colors. The bosses will not notice your efforts, people will betray, life will not bring any joy.

One client of mine did not want to go to a dating site for fear of scammers. I kind of assured that they are, but there are not as many of them as she thinks. And what do you think, she met three men and they all turned out to be swindlers.

I'm not telling you a fairy tale, but real examples. Some only meet married men. And someone quite often comes across men who disappear after 1-2 dates. And some of my clients are getting married on the same dating sites. and there are a lot of such examples, I have 4 girls in one group who got married by the end of the course.

Why do some come across men with whom it is impossible to build a normal relationship, while others find normal and adequate? because we attract into our life what we ourselves want.

We are not realizing we are acting according to the scheme. In all relationships with men, we must reaffirm our childhood beliefs. Someone needs to feel betrayed and feel all the experiences of the "third superfluous". Someone needs to make sure that the partner does not love him and an emotionally closed man is found.

If a person likes to think that he is a sufferer, no one loves him - he will be alone. If you sincerely assert that all men are scum and freaks, only they will appear in your life. And after a failed relationship, you will exclaim: “I was right! And here it is - another proof! " Understand that each of us finds in life only what he believes in. We, from the mass of information received, dwell only on the one that is close and in tune with our inner world.

Women dream of a wealthy man, but deep down they do not believe that such a man can love them. On the one hand, they believe that they deserve the best, but in the hidden corners of their souls they are afraid of such men and feel themselves worthy of them. This splitting in the inner world begins in early childhood. From the age of three, a similar self begins to form. And then all this turns into pride, and a person can no longer live without comparing himself with others, without evaluating and criticizing himself.

Therefore, if you are unlucky with men, then you need to stop looking for them ... While looking. Take care of yourself. To begin with, love yourself and become a self-confident woman. Then you will see how the space will respond to your changes. The world always reflects our inner state.

Therefore, you need to rebuild yourself inside, work out your childhood attitudes, get away from the negative experience of love, make it positive. Think how many beautiful, wealthy men in the world are able to treat women like real gentlemen. Imagine how these men know how to love! And how nice it is to love them in return!

Changing your attitudes, you will definitely begin to notice in the environment of attractive, smart, real representatives of the stronger sex.

Don't fall in love with losers

Of course, all successful and wealthy men are not enough for the entire female half of humanity. But as you already know, it's not about "luck".

Let's divide the representatives of the stronger sex into conditional four groups:

Alpha males.

Strong, confident, knowing their desires, able to achieve their goals, responsible, able to provide for their family. Here are all the men who on their own were able to achieve certain heights, became businessmen, entrepreneurs. Next to them, women can be sure that no matter what happens, they will be provided with everything they need for life. As a rule, men from this group lead a healthy lifestyle, which means that the chance to give birth and raise healthy and successful children is very high.

Beta males.

Men in this category are no less self-confident and capable of reaching a certain level in society, but they have not yet reached the first category. These include managers, directors, small entrepreneurs. A woman next to such a man can also be confident in the future.

Free workers.

This group makes up the majority of the male population of the planet. They are hired to work for the first and second groups, they are attracted by a stable and even income. Most often, they are not ready to take risks, so they receive an average wage and are content with it. In some cases, men from this category have a strong character, and they have the ability to get to a higher level, and some will not even strive. They are content with little and especially strain themselves, and do not want to overwork.

As a rule, these are representatives of the stronger sex, who do not possess any strength at all - neither spiritual nor physical. They like to have a good drink with friends, including drug addicts. This also includes mama's sons, who live quite comfortably under the wing of a caring and thoughtful mother. This group must be bypassed - pity and the desire to “save” the lost soul will not lead to the expected result. The woman will only sink to his level. The offspring from such men will be painful and just as weak morally.

Choose only men equal to yourself - then you will really be happy in family life. As a rule, most women strike up relationships with the third and fourth groups of men - they somewhat correspond to their internal attitudes, the images of companions preserved in childhood.

Therefore, on the one hand, a woman chooses a man with whom it will be easier for her, but this is seeming simplicity. Because emotionally, there are much more problems with such men. They, like no one else, know how to inflict pain and suffering on a woman. Self-love leads to promiscuity of men, I want to attract "at least someone." Anyone who pays attention can become the chosen one.

And if the habitual image of a partner in the subconscious corresponds to the third group, and you consciously want a man of the first or at least the second type? Then you need to work on yourself, overestimate the stereotypical image and avoid meeting potential losers in life. You need to be able to weed out the men you do not need. Do not rush to cheap attentions, and even more so to words.

Defining the Typical Loser

All women represent their own ideal next to them. And he has a common feature - self-confidence, the ability to act. After all, we want to see a strong man next to us, whom we can rely on in a difficult situation, provide him with a solution to the problem, provide for the family, the functions of physical and material protection.

You can determine for yourself whether a particular person will be able to achieve something in life at the very first meeting. It is enough to pay attention to how he talks about his work and likely career prospects.

As a rule, a weak-willed man does not see the prospects for his development. Of those who manage to move up the career ladder, he speaks with disdain, describing them as deceitful, calculating individuals. He treats successful people with irony - he believes that they have achieved success only thanks to lies, cunning, resourcefulness, the ability to go over their heads. He justifies his inaction, lack of desire to develop, by unfortunate circumstances, and finds those guilty around him. But he really believes that failures are only temporary, and soon fortune will smile at him, and then opportunities will fall right into his hands.

Surround yourself with people who know how to create favorable circumstances, and not always whine about failure.

Unlucky dreamers of wealth that will fall right on their heads are easily recognized. Just ask what is his main goal in life and what he has done to achieve it, at what stage he is at the moment. All the details that a man will tell - terms, possible ways of achieving, probable difficulties - show that he approaches his goal seriously, studies it from all sides, and takes steps towards achieving it.

A loser talks about his ideas of achieving the goal, and a successful and acting man - what he has already done and what still needs to be done.

If a man wants to open a small hotel, he already knows exactly in which area it is better to do it, what floor plan to use, what material is best suited for construction, and what are the current prices for the services of builders, a designer, and so on. The dreamer can only paint his image as the owner of a luxury hotel, which will be visited by crowds of guests. Know how to see the details and then you will not think that you are unlucky with men.

Do not fall for provocations

For a man, his woman is like a visiting card. By her appearance, one can judge about his success and attitude towards her. If he loves her, then he strives for a high level of income, so that his beloved can afford to take care of herself, dress with taste. An insecure man will pull his woman “to the bottom”, prevent her from developing, shake her nerves and “drink all the juices from her”.

Don't let a man destroy you. And do not shift responsibility for yourself, your state of mind and appearance to him. If you feel bad with a man, your eyes do not shine, and there is no joy in your soul, then he is not to blame for this, but you. You are next to him. He will not, is not obliged, does not know how, is not capable of and should not take care of your soul. Only you yourself must love yourself and, out of love for yourself, do not allow a man to hurt you.

A person who loves himself will not constantly subject himself to suffering. Moreover, this is the suffering that you have chosen. No man, no suffering. So why live suffering. Find men with whom you will feel happy. Which will catch you "for the good." And if they cling, but with suffering, then this is a question for you and your childhood. Why do you need this partner? What does he confirm in the relationship? And what are the unconscious goals you pursue in the relationship.

Do not fall for provocations “we don’t have money for expensive clothes and manicure in the salon”. A confident woman will be able to earn money for herself, and not wait from a man. And in this case, the question will be completely natural, why then do you need a man. Think about it, you need it.

It depends on you what kind of man will be next to you. Also, it will depend on the man what you will be in the role of his life companion. Choose your surroundings carefully, your life partner. And if you are unlucky with men and you have a dream to be confident and successful lady, come to my long program: "The Road Home"

Having made the right choice, you will ensure yourself a happy and interesting life with yourself, first of all, then with your beloved, capable and successful man.

Irina Gavrilova Dempsey

If you have any questions, ask them